15 Signs You Are Having An Emotional Affair Outside Your Relationship
Are you really just friends? Have you crossed the line? If you are asking yourself these questions, you may be engaged in an emotional affair. Affairs that are not physical or sexual in nature may seem harmless at first, but they can have a devastating impact on relationships in which one or both partners believe fidelity is a mutual value or expectation. An emotional affair may never turn into a sexual affair, but emotional infidelity may still turn people who are married or in committed relationships into “cheaters”
Sometimes it is very clear that your spouse is cheating on you: you find lipstick on his collar, someone tells you they saw her with someone else in a hotel, the unexplainable credit card receipts, or you have that nasty gut feeling and the stories just aren’t lining up. There are also times when you wonder if your partner is cheating but the signs are not so clear: they are always wrapped up on their phone, they often talk admiringly about a work colleague, or weekends now involve more “work projects” than usual. Is it possible that your partner may be emotionally relying on someone else? This is typically referred to as an emotional affair or emotional infidelity.
Unfortunately, emotional affairs are quite common. Researchers report that 35 percent of wives and 45 percent of husbands admit to having emotional affairs, according to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.
An emotional affair takes longer to develop but it is a consistent effort by both people involved that keep it growing. You may have a great partner already but somewhere along the line you got lonely or started talking with someone of the opposite sex until eventually, you realize you need to have this person in your life. An emotional affair doesn’t mean that you want to have sex with this person either.
It means that you’ve created such a strong bond and connection with this person that you cannot go a day without thinking about them and ultimately needing to hear from them.
Even just a text from that person can change your whole mood. The following is a list of 15 signs of an emotional affair. You can decide for yourself if it’s “just friends” or if it’s an emotional affair
1. You’re suddenly defensive about everything
Whenever we believe deep down inside that we’re doing something wrong by talking (and only talking) to someone else outside of our relationship, it takes a toll on us mentally and we suddenly find ourselves becoming defensive over every little thing. You think that everything coming out of your partner’s mouth is an accusation of sorts, even if it’s just a “hey, whatcha been up to?” or “Yo, what’s on your agenda for the day?” You think they must know something is up so you go on the defense and attack.
If you find yourself doing this a bit, you need to self-reflect because more often than not, emotional entanglements can be much more destructive than physical ones and the effects can be catastrophic for both of you, your partner, and quite possibly the other party.
2. You’re feeling distant from your spouse
Your marriage just doesn’t feel as exciting to you. You don’t look forward to going home at the end of the day or feel like putting it off. Relationships have highs and lows, and emotional affairs often start during a rough patch in a marriage. But when you’re investing so much of your time and energy outside the marriage, the rough patch has no space or time to recover from what was likely a normal low in the relationship. Are you getting your emotional needs met somewhere else, and is it damaging the connection you once had? If so, you’re likely in an emotional affair.
3. You’re complaining to them about your significant other
You’ve started telling them way more information about your marriage/relationship than your spouse/partner would be comfortable with. This is especially true if that’s all they know about them. You’re always complaining, but never praising. Every relationship has ups and downs, and having the occasional complaint about your partner is normal, but if you’re not sharing the highs as well as the lows, take some time to identify the reasons for that.
If they know all the ugly details of your husband’s or boyfriend's grossest habits or your most recent fight, but don’t know how amazing he was at surviving the weekend with your parents or the amazing dinner he cooked for you last night; you might be having an emotional affair.
4. Things are getting flirty
Things have not moved into sex territory yet, recovery from that is a whole different post, but they have gotten intimate. You’re sharing intimate, emotional details, and even if it’s done with a wink and a joking attitude, you’ve crossed the line into flirting territory. You’ve already established some of those emotional bonds, the step into physical intimacy is not very far. You might be touching this person more than you normally would, a playful punch on the shoulder, messing up his hair, or laying your head on their shoulder. Even if it’s not focused on sex, these subtle moves are flirting. Emotional affairs often become sexual, and this is the first of the warning signs that it might
5. You find that it’s easier to open up to the other person than it is to open up to your partner
Even if you do have better communication with the other person, there’s probably a good reason why: You don’t have to talk to that person about kids, or finances, or all the other un-sexy topics you talk to your partner about.
So instead of pursuing that freer relationship with the other person, “what needs to happen is rather than using [the other person] as the outlet, you need to get help so that you have better communication at home.”
6. Weird change of attitude
Normally, you’re perfectly fine with your quirky and sarcastic nature and your playful attitude with your partner but lately, you find yourself more irritable when it comes to certain things. Especially that playful part. Suddenly, everything your partner does is annoying or just plain ridiculous, so you begin to nag a little more or just plain snap at them. You realize that you’re more quick to anger than you used to be whenever you’re around them. It’s almost like you’re trying to convince yourself that THEY’RE the ones being irritating so you act out as well.
When you begin to compare two people in your head subconsciously, you start to turn on the one you’re actually in a relationship without realizing it. Perhaps you’re even trying to sabotage the relationship you’re in because of this new person?
7. You’re going out of your way for them
You know surviving the morning meeting without their favorite latte is impossible, so you just happen to pick one up on your way to work. You find yourself taking note of things they like and bringing them treats or doing nice things “just because.” Watch out for motivations to go out of the way in a way you wouldn’t do for just anyone in your office. Watch this sign especially if you find yourself throwing out receipts or wrappers to hide evidence from your coworkers or partner. Not only is this a sign for you or your spouse, but one of the signs that your whole office will pick up on
8. Self-deception
Deceiving yourself into believing that you’re as wonderful as your emotional affair partner sees you is absolutely necessary to obtain maximum benefit from your newfound relationship. Affair partners attempt to convince you that they’re better than your mate and that you’d have been far better off if you’d married/dated them.
Marriage/relationship partners are the makeup mirrors of our lives. They highlight every flaw and blemish. Affair partners are vanity mirrors. We look amazing in their eyes. Self-deception requires we suspend reality and imagine ourselves as seen through our affair partner’s eyes. Failing to deceive one’s self makes entitlement almost impossible.
9. You’re keeping secrets from your romantic partner
If you’re texting, emailing, or DMing, and then going back and deleting those messages, something’s not right. “The secrecy is something that’s really key for an emotional affair…That’s always a red flag because you know you’re consciously telling yourself, ‘OK, my partner probably wouldn’t be OK with interactions that I’m having with this person.’”
If you’re looking for emotional fulfillment in someone else — and exhibiting the above signs — it could be because you’re not getting the attention you’d like from your significant other, or you’re unsatisfied with your sex life.
Sometimes typical life stressors can lead someone to emotionally stray, like problems at work, planning a wedding, or a big move. When it comes down to it, the affair stems from some sort of unmet need in your current relationship. Once people get married or date, they have a particular ideal of exactly of what a husband and/or a wife is supposed to do. What they’re supposed to look like, what they’re supposed to say. And if those things don’t match up, a lot of times that’s where those problems arise.
10. You look at your significant other as a third wheel
So you’ve made a new close buddy at work that you’re enormously fond of (but you don’t think IN THAT way, even though people around you start to pick up on some vibes) and they invite you out for an innocent cup of coffee. You tell your partner because you have nothing to hide and invite them to tag along, but you become irritated when they do actually come. If the one you’re in the middle of an emotional affair with is a co-worker and you happen to find yourself looking forward to attending fun work functions with them, you’ll attempt to downplay it to your partner because you don’t want them to go.
You find yourself having more fun and letting loose around your work buddy whenever your partner is not around, which can be a massive pitfall in your real relationship
11. You’re spending time together outside of work
It may seem like a friendly work happy hour, but spending time with a coworker outside of the office can blur the lines of your friendship.
Most people have emotional affairs with someone they work with or spend a lot of time with. It just so happens that this person turns out to be a really good friend. But a friend can turn into something more when your spouse isn’t your number one anymore.
12. Feeling understood
You believe this person really “gets” you. You start to feel like they really understand you, even better than your spouse. You might feel that this person has a lot in common with you or that you have a lot of shared interests. Because it seems that you have a unique connection, you might feel like this person understands you in a way that other people don’t, including your partner.
13. You’re having fantasies about that person
If you’re beginning to daydream about that other person, or even see them in your dreams at night, your subconscious may be trying to tell you something.
The biggest warning sign is when you start having intimate fantasies about that person. In my view, you’re already kind of hooked. When you have your first dream about that person, that is usually a very powerful sign.
14. You dress up for him
When you buy new clothes or change your hairstyle and wonder what he’ll think (instead of how your partner will react) that’s a danger sign. We all consider our audience when we’re getting ready to go out, but doing so with a particular other in mind — not your significant other — suggests there’s something more here than meets the eye.
When you buy new clothes or change your hairstyle and wonder what he’ll think? That’s a danger sign.
15. You tell others, “we are just friends.”
A big sign that you are more than friends is when others bring it to your attention what they are seeing. Don’t ignore what others are saying. If you are defending your relationship with him with your friends, that’s an issue to look at.
So we’ve helped you identify that yes, you are having an emotional affair, what next? The good news is you haven’t crossed the line into a sexual affair; the bad news is recovery from an emotional affair isn’t easy, especially if you continue to see the person you had the affair with often. First, examine your actual relationship. Affairs, emotional or otherwise, don’t happen in relationships where both people feel emotionally supported and fulfilled. Start to reconnect with your partner, emotionally and physically, and remind each other of what brought you together in the first place.
So, Do I Confess?
It’s up to you to decide if giving your spouse details would help or harm your relationship, but taking the time to look at why you were seeking emotional support from someone else and what you lacked in your relationship is important. Using that information to start a conversation about strengthening your relationship is the first step to getting things back on track.
Emotional affairs are about getting your needs met. What did you need that you felt like your spouse wasn’t giving you? Would you like more attention? More compliments? More laughter? Being able to identify those things this person gave you that your relationship hasn’t will allow you to start recovering.
Repairing the Damage
The after-effects of infidelity can be devastating to deal with, but there are ways to make the journey back to wholeness easier.
- Work through the issues of betrayal and hurt with your partner. Attend couples counseling if you are both in the agreement or seek personal therapy.
- Reach out for support. Surround yourself with the people closest to you, who will support you despite your indiscretions.
- Take the time to process, heal, and reclaim your life.
- Let go of guilt. Forgive yourself.
- Search for that inner strength you once had. Rediscover your identity — maybe even reinvent it.
- Reevaluate and adjust your moral compass
The TakeAway
Do you think you’re having an emotional affair or you’re just friends? Don’t fool yourself. If you’re having an emotional affair now you will take it to another level at some point. The more you confide in and spend time with someone other than your partner you’re teaching yourself to feel attracted to other people.
There will come a time when talking isn’t enough to fill the void. My advice is, if you’re in a relationship and having an emotional affair with someone you need to get real with yourself and own it. Decide what you’re going to do about it. If you don’t know, talk to your partner about it because when they find out the truth chances are the decision will be made for you
