8 Men Reveal Exactly Why It’s So Hard For Them To Open Up

Men are less likely to talk or open up about their feelings; first, because they aren’t encouraged by society to tune into their sensitivity. Additionally, men tend to “brush it off” when they experience difficult feelings because they don’t see an immediate solution.

I’m not too great at opening up about my own emotions, so I can’t really be too hard on dudes who aren’t great at opening up about their emotions. That being said, the whole “men not being able to open up” stereotype isn’t completely unfounded.

Most people who have interacted with any male at one point or another have wondered to themselves, “What in the actual world is going through his head, and WHY will he not just tell me about it?” Then, you’re forced to wonder, “Does he actually just not feel any emotions or is he just not telling me about it?”

Well, a recent Reddit thread asked dudes to answer why they never open up about their emotions, and their responses are sometimes heartfelt, sometimes boneheaded, and always interesting.

So stop with your wondering and read for yourself what these guys have to say on the matter firsthand.

1. The worry of getting judged.

I think that most guys are too concerned about what the other person might think about them to really open up… Like, for example, if you tell someone on a date that you are really emotional and you cry watching a sappy movie, that person might find it either cute or completely judge you! So we hide our feelings to avoid being judged too soon.

2. No one cares.

First of all, nobody cares about men. Not even a little. We are disposable as fuck. Our problems only get fixed if they also negatively affect women.

And second, people (especially women) don’t deal very well with men who show emotions. They can get downright mean.

3. It’s not beneficial.

Well, we wouldn’t be secretive with our emotions if it were beneficial for us to be open with our emotions but it’s generally absolutely not benefical to be open with emotions.

A little is fine, but fully open and you’re basically considered weak and unattractive, a loser and undesirable, while there certainly are women who enjoy the more emotionally open type most don’t and since humans try to maximize their success you tend to behave in such a way that makes you attractive to the most women. That’s also one of the reasons men complain less about certain issues because you know that women won’t accept it and “oh booho grow a pair” and since men have an interest in women and women have more selective power in terms of relationships you’ll make the necessary compromise to be able to have a family with a wife and kids.

Where do you think does the nice guy cliché come from? Why do (some) women think it’s justified to kick a guy in the balls if he cheats even though this is technically a form of sexual violence because it is violence intentionally targeted at sexual organs? It’s a violation of human rights even.

There’s as much bias against men as there is against women.

4. It’s frowned upon.

Men are looked down on for being emotional, not only do we not get support and help for it, but (most) women genuinely don’t want to deal with our emotions or how we express them.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gotten angry and been told that’s childish, or that I need to calm down or be reasonable, or that I’m scary and dangerous. Fuck that. I’ve never hurt anybody else or anything else while angry. I’ve never hit somebody outside of self-defence. I’m not violent, I abhor violence. I’m not a threat. But when we men express our emotions, which are DIFFERENT than the female ones we get told we’re doing it wrong because it isn’t the feminine way.

So we learn that it isn’t worth it. Men aren’t out of touch with our emotions. WOMEN ARE. Overwhelmingly, and I have no idea why, women don’t get that male emotions are different and get expressed differently.

5. It’s much better to act aloof.

Because no one gives a shit about what we feel, and if we tell anyone the truth, we’ll get laughed at for being wimps. Of course, we also get shit for being stoic because apparently that’s regressive and patriarchal. Usually, it’s two separate groups saying each, but sometimes the discourse descends into pure idiocy and people simultaneously hold men to both standards. (A common theme for having a Y chromosome).

That said, if you’re screwed either way, it’s better to take the option that doesn’t give anyone else knowledge of your psychological weak points. Perfect example: If you aren’t extremely cautious with your romantic feelings, they’re probably going to get taken advantage of over and over again. That’s because society tacitly supports women doing this to men, yet rushes to the woman’s defence the moment she unleashes the crocodile tears. So it’s much better to act aloof like nothing matters to you.

The problem with that, though (and here’s where things get weird and complicated) is after a while of doing this, the nihilism sets in and you really do lose your ability to care about stuff piece by piece. In other words, the answer to your question of why we “seem” that way is because it isn’t entirely an illusion: we really are out of touch. Though what I’m telling you is it doesn’t start that way. Rather, it’s a process of slowly losing your ability to tell the facade` from reality.

Tacking on another layer to the issue, I think that a huge part of it is people over-analyze and over-exaggerate it when a guy is out of touch and secretive, but ignore it when a woman is the same way. For instance, I’m a melancholic, INTJ, touch-averse person with an avoidant attachment pattern who is probably somewhere on the spectrum as well. Yet there are even times when I’m wondering “Why are women so frigid and emotionless? Couldn’t they open up a bit more?” I’m not saying all women are like that, but I’ve noticed many who are and no one talks about it. It’s always “why are guys so out-of-touch” when in my experience, there have been many times that I’ve been the affectionate one (if you knew me, you’d know that’s REALLY saying something”.

So my answers are very subjective, sure. I think a lot of other guys feel the same as me though, just from little things I notice about the way they talk and act that I can’t really explain.

6. Some value “stoicism and rationality.”

I’m in touch with my emotions. I’m just not a super emotionally expressive person. I value stoicism and rationality, and being emotionally labile is opposed to that. But I still subtly express my emotions.

7. Because of culture.

I’m going to voice the unpopular opinion that this may not be entirely due to social conditioning. Nearly every culture practices some form of male stoicism; It's reasonable to speculate that there might be something inherent in the male brain that leads to reluctance in opening up emotionally. However, this stoicism varies across cultures, indicating that a significant part of it is also conditioned.

I know when one brings up biological determinism here there be dragons, but bear with me. In most palaeolithic societies men were responsible for hunting, you know what’s important there? Communication about the task at hand. You know what isn’t important? Feelings about interpersonal relationships. The opposite is true for the gathering and child-rearing side of things, communication about the specifics of the task isn’t nearly as important as communication about social cohesion.

I think our greater understanding of transgenderism backs up my way of thinking. If it was just social pressure why didn’t trans people get the memo?

There is more to gendered behaviour than just social pressure; there are basic differences in how males and females think, and not wanting to talk about feelings vs wanting to talk about them is a pretty basic thing.

Just like to finish by saying I’m only speaking in broad strokes. Everybody is different and I do believe nurture is stronger than nature; nature is just the starting point, and each individual comes from a different starting point.

8. Imagine this.

Imagine a world where as a girl when you cry everyone comes to help. People genuinely want to make you feel better. They have empathy and understanding and know it’s a release.

Now imagine a world that’s the opposite of that. Imagine when you cry people avoid you. If they can’t they’ll tell you that big girls don’t cry, or that what you’re crying about isn’t a big deal. Or that you lack emotional maturity. Imagine your boyfriend says something along the lines of “ you’re not much of a girl when you cry..” or that there’s nothing that turns them off faster. You’ll learn that showing just about any emotion isn’t really worth it. No one cares. Those that do and are helpful only come after you learn emotional discipline.

My Take.

Expressing emotions can be more challenging for men compared to women. Society tells men that they should be strong, tough, and in control at all times. Crying or showing pain is often seen as a sign of weakness and this idea is also reinforced in advertisements and other media.

The society tells us that we should express ourselves differently based on our gender. Unfortunately, this means that men may feel uncomfortable or ashamed when expressing their softer or more vulnerable side. This leads to a stigma around men sharing their feelings, which can make it even harder for them to open up.

The fear of being perceived as weak or less masculine can lead to a reluctance to seek support or talk about personal struggles. This fear can be particularly potent in environments that prioritise competitiveness and assertiveness, such as the workplace or certain social circles.

Men find it difficult to ask for help because they believe it makes them seem weak or incapable. They feel the need to handle all their problems on their own because they think that’s what it means to be a man. They believe they should have everything under control and solve everything independently. Unfortunately, this mindset can have negative consequences. Often, men wait until it’s too late to ask for help because they have already gone through a lot of struggles on their own.

In many instances, men face challenges when attempting to articulate their emotions, often due to societal expectations and limited tools for expression. Unlike women, who may find solace in shedding tears to convey sadness, disappointment, or even anger, men often lack the necessary starting point or vocabulary to communicate their feelings effectively. Consequently, some men may find themselves disconnected from their emotions altogether.

The Take-Away

Unfortunately, there’s more focus on how women handle their emotions, leaving men behind. We need to change this narrative and promote the idea that everyone, regardless of gender, should be allowed to express their emotions.

Emotions are like energy — they need to flow and move. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man, woman, or any other gender. Regardless of our differences, we share a common humanity and experience a wide range of emotions. Finding healthy ways to express them doesn’t make you weak; it simply means you’re being true to your human nature.