Are slow-burn relationships more toxic than we think?

Here’s how to survive one yourself.

When Colin Bridgerton finally confessed that he in fact preferred sleep because that is where he might find Penelope Featherington, fans of the hit Netflix show squealed and swooned.

After two and a half seasons of longing looks from pining Pen’s window, the Bridgerton’s neighbor at last scored the boy next door. And while it may be considered the grandest slow-burn of all the ton, one has to ask oneself, at what cost?

And when we take away the rose-tinted glasses, is Colin Briderton actually a walking red flag?

The ‘forbidden fruit effect’

“A big trend that you hear about a lot in dating is wanting what you can’t have,” Alice Child, a somatic sexologist and sex counselor, tells us. “It’s the forbidden fruit effect, and sometimes that’s depicted as a really hot, really exciting, really fun trope, and other times it’s depicted as really toxic.”

It all depends on what side of ‘the game’ you’re on.

“You know that feeling of the game and that people deliberately play the game to increase that yearning, that longing, that uncertainty, and that tension, when they don’t know whether that other person is into them,” says Child.

“It often intensifies people’s feelings towards them because when you yearn and long for something, you’re more likely to fantasize and idealize it. And then you’re more likely to put them on this pedestal and obsess over them as well.”

A lot of that, Child says, comes from the idea that the obstacles, tension, newness, anticipation, and uncertainty are all huge aphrodisiacs.

“So it‘s very, very common for people to get very turned on by what Penelope experiences.”

Playing the game

The slow burn is something that a lot of us know well, and — dare I say — play to.

“That’s why so many people say things like, ‘Oh, don’t show them that you’re too keen, play the game first’,” Child says. “And I think it absolutely can be manipulated if people know that that’s what’s happening.”

For example, if Colin knew — and surely, he had to have known — that Penelope was massively into him.

“You know, that can feel great for the ego,” says Child. Especially for someone who, until season three and his return from his travels, was potentially seen as the least sexy Bridgerton boy,

“Everyone to some degree has core fears of not being desirable or wanted by those that they desire,” the sexologist explains. “It’s a very human fear because a lot of people have been made to feel, at some point in their life, that they’re not sexy, they’re not desirable, and whoever they find sexy won’t like them.”

Maybe later in life they grow up and realize that they’ve actually got a lot to offer, but those doubts can remain.

“And those core fears of not being enough or not being desirable can sometimes play out in their behavior, consciously or unconsciously, basically proving to themselves and proving to the world around them like, ‘No look I am desirable’,” Child says.

“Then, as part of the game, proving that other people can fall for them actually becomes more appealing and they can get a bit obsessed over that.”

Just like Colin and his gaggle of giggling girls.

How to survive a slow-burn romance

On the marriage mart, or just doing the rounds, and found yourself at one end of the slow-burn romance?

Child has this advice on how to navigate your way through the heartache.

1. Disconnect the person from the fantasy

“There’s some research that shows that when we want something we can’t have, our brain discharges dopamine and we get hooked on this happy hormone and it’s almost like a drug,” the sexologist explains.

The first step is trying to override this and to stop thinking about the forbidden fruit.

“Take a breath and work out what it is about this person that’s leading you to feel this way, rather than focusing on the fantasy and the yearning and the longing,” Child says.

“What green flags are you seeing about their personality, about who they are, and about who the two of you could be together that make you think that if you’re in a relationship with them that it would be wonderful?”

You want to ask yourself what it is about this person that is so incredible, and why you’ve put them on this pedestal.

“Perhaps journal about that and take some time to reflect on who they are as a person,” the sexologist suggests.

“Is it really them that you’re feeling these feelings over, or are there attributes about them that you like and that you could go out into the world and see if there are other fish in the pond who have these attributes as well.”

2. Focus on yourself

Forget about trying to read between the lines of someone’s behavior or every text they send you because that will drive you crazy.

“Ultimately, we’re not mind readers and we don’t know what’s motivating someone else,” Child says. “They might not even know themselves what’s motivating them or why something feels so good and exciting.”

So rather than obsessing over someone else’s behavior, she wants people to out themselves first.

“Focus on your own wants and needs and boundaries and ask yourself, ‘Is this relationship net positive to me? Is it giving me more energy than it’s taking away? Or is it net negative? Has it started to become a distraction to my friends, my ability to do my job well, my ability to self-care, or my ability to look after myself?’.”

Get some distance and distraction

“Take some time to focus on other things that give you joy in your life and give you that lovely dopamine hit in other ways,” Child recommends.

Think exercise, hanging out with your friends, self-care sessions, and hobbies.

“Things that fill up your cup in other ways so it doesn’t feel like all of your happiness is just lynched on whether this one person replies to your text,” the sexologist suggests. “Get a bit of distance, take a bit of a breath, and focus on other things”.

Slow-burns can be a good thing

At the end of the day though, there’s no denying the fact that a slow-burn love can truly burn the brightest as friends turn to lovers.

“I am a bit of a fan of slow-burn relationships,” Child says. “You know, taking your time to learn about the other person and build genuine connections rather than jumping all in because of the feeling of fireworks and chemistry and all of these words that people use.”

She stresses that going slow is the responsible thing to do.

Too often we idolize the quick romance, the fireworks and the diving in headfirst

“Relationships are big commitments and if you’re uncertain about your feelings towards someone, I think it’s really fair on your own feelings to take as much time as you need before plunging into a relationship that you might not be ready for or want,” explains Child. “So taking the time to analyze your own feelings to see where you stand is pretty healthy, because I think too often we idolize the quick romance, the fireworks, and the diving in headfirst. But actually, I think taking your time and being clear with how you feel can be a really positive thing.