How to avoid habitual sex in the bedroom

Habitual sex is not a death sentence, and with awareness comes opportunity.

We’ve all heard of the ‘honeymoon phase’, but how about ‘new relationship energy’? And what happens when that energy runs out?

“Habitual sex is incredibly common — it’s seen all the time,” sexologist Coby Baker tells us. “It happens as soon as people get over that new relationship energy, where it’s all ripping each other’s clothes off and having sex all the time.”

“Couples kind of get into a routine. They get into their own kind of rhythm. And then that’s when they would have, what we would call, habitual sex.”

For couples who live apart, Baker says it can happen a year or two down the track. But if your relationship moves fast and you move in with someone soon, it can happen “quite quickly”.

And whether it’s going from having sex every day to once a week, or once a week to once a month, the sexologist says each couple is different, but it all comes down to “a lack of variety”.

“You’re really just getting in there, doing what you know and love, and getting out with not much exploration,” Baker explains.

How habitual sex can impact relationships

If sex with your partner is starting to feel like Groundhog Day, the chances are that it’s already starting to affect your time outside of the bedroom too.

“I think what happens is that people get into these routines in sex, but then also in the rest of their lives,” says the expert. “And that can be really comforting, but it can become kind of boring and no one wants to think of their relationship as boring.”

How to shake things up in the bedroom

The good news? Habitual sex is not a death sentence, and with awareness comes opportunity.

So if you’re desperate to snap out of the funk and add some spice to your romance, read on for Baker’s top tips to turn the temperature up a notch.

Have sex at different times of day

“I think when we’re thinking of habitual sex, we’re thinking that it’s come out of routine,” the sexologist says. “So a surefire way to mix things up is to change your routine.”

Literally.

“If you’re only having sex in the morning, have some sex at night,” Baker encourages. “Or if you’re only having sex on the weekends, have it on the weekdays and see what happens. Because just changing things up, even in slight ways, will introduce a little bit of excitement, and then hopefully that’ll trickle down and open it up to some more excitement.”

Have sex in different locations

Now I’m not saying that you have to take things outside (unless you want to of course and then go wild!) but moving things away from the same old mattress could add a new element of fun.

“If you’re only having sex in the bedroom, take it to the lounge room, take it to the bathroom or the kitchen,” says Baker. “As long as you’re not disturbing anyone else.”

So maybe wait until your housemates are out of town..

Google sex positions

“You have your positions that you know and love and you can still have those,” Baker says. “But I would get a copy of the Kama Sutra.”

“Or if you love being on top, just Google positions for being on top, and you will find so many — like there’s so many sex positions out there!”

Communicate your desires

If you want better sex, the first step is to ask for it.

“You need to communicate if you have any sexual desires,” explains Baker. “Because I feel like a lot of the time people just have the sex they like because they know they and their partner like it that way.”

“But you might be thinking, ‘Oh, I want to spice it up in this way’, but not saying it out loud. So I think just speaking to your partner would also bring some spark into it.”

Bring in toys and games

If variety is the spice of life, the key to mixing things up under the sheets is introducing anything that you don’t usually have.

“So get some toys like a vibrator or a cock ring or try out some sex games,” the sexologist says. “I think when we were younger, we all had a laugh thinking about our parents having sex dice or something, but actually that’s such a good way to just bring some spice into the bedroom.”

Build up the tension

Don’t ever underestimate the power of the flirt, even in a long term relationship.

“One thing I recommend to people I see is, build anticipation throughout the day,” Baker explains. “Send some risque texts, or when you walk past them, kiss their neck or maybe whisper into their ear, because if you’re getting into the mood the whole day leading up to sex, I think that’s going to bring some extra added spice into it.”

Schedule a sex sesh

While some people hate the idea of a sex schedule and would rather keep things more spontaneous, Baker recommends putting time aside for intimacy.

“It just gives you the time to build up to it,” she says. “Like you’re looking forward to it, but also you’re prioritizing it.

“If you’ve blocked out this time to have sex with your partner, it’s showing that this is really an important thing for you.

“And I think that’s why a lot of people start having habitual sex to begin with, because they’re not prioritizing their sex lives. They’re just thinking I can go in and get this done in 15 minutes with the positions that I like.”

But if you start prioritizing sex and prioritizing the exploration and playfulness of sex, well, according to Baker’s clients it really shakes things up.

Introduce kink

“I might be a bit biased,” Baker says. “But I really think that introducing even just a little bit of kink into your sexual relationships can be a really good way to spice it up.”

And it doesn’t even have to be anything really dramatic.

“Just get a blindfold and take turns touching each other in really nice ways, or get a pair of cheap plastic handcuffs and just explore, play and have fun.

“And I think the fun is where people get out of that habitual sex.”