In a new relationship but still miss your ex? Here’s why
It’s a dilemma as old as time. But thinking about your former partner doesn’t necessarily mean your new relationship is doomed. Here, experts unpack the allure of nostalgia, explain the biggest red flags and why looking back could actually be a good thing.
Ever found yourself reminiscing about an ex while happily in a relationship with your current partner? Or maybe you’ve been guilty of a cheeky late-night scroll through a former flame’s Instagram grid? Let’s be honest: even if you’ve convinced yourself you’ve moved on, it’s hard to ignore the endless reminders that pop up day-to-day — from that random iPhone photo memory to a run-in with mutual friends at the local pub.
Whether you’ve merely missed your ex once, or find them creeping into your daydreams on the regular, you certainly aren’t the first to fall into a nostalgia spiral about a past lover. “Is it OK to miss your ex while in a relationship” was one of the most-searched dating questions online last month, and there’s been an endless list of celeb couples who have broken up and then gotten back together again (we’re looking at you, Ben and JLo).
Sometimes, it can be tricky to tell if you’re really over someone if they keep popping up in your thoughts. But according to the experts, thinking about your ex is pretty normal — and it’s ‘what’ you’re missing (rather than the ‘who’) that’s the important question. Intrigued? Read on.
Separating fact from rose-tinted fiction
So you’re thinking about your ex. The first thing to work out is are you really missing them — or are you just romanticising the past?
Psychotherapist Dr Lissy Ann Puno emphasizes the role of selective memory in nostalgia. Our brains often wear rose-colored glasses when looking back at past relationships, conveniently glossing over the rough patches — including the reasons why you broke up in the first place — and magnifying all the good times instead.
“When a relationship’s over, we often remember the happy moments and push aside the not-so-great parts,” explains Puno. “This is especially true regarding our first love or a past relationship where we had many awesome memories. We just forget the toxic stuff and focus on the things that we miss about them.”
This psychological quirk can of course make you miss an ex, even if the relationship had significant flaws, but it can also highlight what you personally need in a relationship and what might be missing in your current partnership.
If, for example, you loved your ex’s vitality and lust for life and find your current partner more sedate and lower energy, this is unlikely to change and perhaps it’s a good reminder to consider your own level of vitality or even if it’s a good match long-term.
So, when is it OK to miss your ex?
If you’re not romanticizing the past and just think of your ex from time to time, that’s pretty common. Missing an ex doesn’t make you a bad partner, nor does it mean your current relationship is doomed. It’s simply a reminder of the journey you’ve been on romantically so far, and all of the experiences that have shaped you.
According to couples counselor and clinical psychotherapist, Jennifer Nurick, given the quality time that you shared with your ex, it’s only natural to think back to these times with tenderness — like you would any other impactful relationship and memory.
“When you’ve had an intimate, meaningful relationship with someone, they impact you,” explains Nurick. “These kinds of partnerships are precious and, in our lifetime, few. Often, you come away from them with happy memories, in-jokes, special places you visited, and things they did that made you laugh or feel special.”
“My experience as a therapist and a human is that it’s totally possible to be in a loving, intimate, and committed relationship or marriage with someone, and still think of your ex sometimes with care and fondness,” says Nurick, reassuring us that these thoughts aren’t a sign of betrayal or even a precursor to impending infidelity, but rather a recognition of a love that was once shared.
“You might think of your ex years later and still feel warmth in your heart. This is part of being human and a testament to the quality of connection you can have with another person,” she adds.
When the feeling becomes problematic
Where things can get a little murky, however, is when these contemplations transpire into a longing for something about your previous relationship that may be lacking in your current one.
“It depends on what you’re missing, how that makes you feel and how it’s impacting your current relationship,” says Nurick.
“If you find yourself comparing your existing partner to your ex, and in many different areas your partner is pulling up short, that is good information,” explains Nurick, adding that these kinds of thoughts can interfere with your present relationship if you let it simmer too long. Her advice? Engage in a little introspection.
“What was it about your ex and that relationship that you miss? Can those things be replicated in your current relationship? With a bit of focus and time, could you create the things you’re missing?” asks Nurick.
“If you’re missing the level of intimacy and connection you experienced with your ex, whom you were with for many years, remember that level of intimacy and safety takes time to create.”
In fact, most research indicates that it can take up to two years to develop a form of secure attachment with another person.
“If, on the other hand, you miss the amazing sex that you had with your ex, perhaps this is an area you could work on with your new partner over time?” Truth bomb: not all true love starts with an immediate spark of attraction.
While missing your old flame occasionally is normal, persistent thoughts about them might indicate unresolved feelings. If you find that thoughts of them are interfering with your current relationship, it might be time to communicate your feelings with your partner or seek the guidance of a therapist to untangle your mixed emotions. Engaging a neutral third party is one of the best ways to help navigate your feelings and, most importantly, provide strategies to focus on the present.
So, while thinking about your ex (or even missing them) doesn’t necessarily mean you’re still in love with that person or destined to eventually get back together, à la Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck (touch wood), persistent past-relationship nostalgia could be problematic.
Next time you catch yourself dwelling on what was, focus on the ‘what’ and the ‘why’. This should help you avoid unrealistic reminiscing or identify and communicate unmet needs before it spells trouble for your current relationship. Very sage romantic advice if ever we heard it.
