Is It Time For Single Women To Go #boysober?

Here’s why some women are trying it out.

“Trying to date as a young woman has gotten so bad it’s gone viral,” reads a headline from a recent story in The Cut.

The article details an all-too-familiar — and grim — reality for many women in the dating scene, and is just one of a plethora of similar assessments. As such, many have taken to social media to document their frustration and despondency. But in the face of romantic adversity, women are taking back their authority, with a new movement (and hashtag): #boysober.

What Does It Mean To Go #boysober?

“#boysober is the romantic equivalent of a dry July — taking a break from a potentially toxic substance (dating) to detox (be single) and figure out what’s important in your life — for you and free from the influence of others,” says relationship and sex therapist from Love Therapy Australia, Lauren Bradley.

With a simple set of rules — no dating apps, no hookups, no boys, no dates, and no exes — the trend is gaining traction on TikTok. Big time.

One woman, Hazel Kan, posted a clip of herself euphorically enjoying her freedom with the caption “the world when you have no Tinder or Bumble no Hinge no roster no crush no taking stages no situationships.”

The TikTok clip has over one million views and over 215 thousand likes, with similar posts from hundreds of other women across the globe also receiving similar numbers.

Like Kan, Bradley says much of the current dissatisfaction with dating is due to issues around dating apps and the men within them.

“Many people are fed up with the digital dating scene and are taking a sabbatical from dating aka going #boysober.”

#boysober: Tried and Tested

25-year-old Kira from Sydney is just one of these women who decided to take some “time off from dating” earlier this year, due to the “toxic encounters and men” she experienced.

“I’d been using a variety of dating apps for around two years and while some of the experiences were good, overall, the negatives far outweighed the positives,” she tells us.

Kira explains that throughout her time on the apps she was stood up twice, ghosted multiple times, lied to frequently and was even sent unsolicited nudes.

“While the issues weren’t mine, it still took a toll on me, I felt like crap most of the time and exhausted!”

Bradley says Kira’s sentiments are common amongst single women who are dating, which is a main driver behind the boysober trend.

“Situationships and ‘it’s complicated’ relationships still cost time and emotional labour, sometimes even more so than a committed relationship,” she says. “The cost of these part-time, partially satisfying relationships often outweighs the rewards.”

Bradley also believes that the sobriety reference in the boysober movement indicates how addictive (and problematic) online dating can be.

“People hunt for the high of intoxicating ‘new relationship energy’, often at the expense of long-term committed relationships.

This pseudo ‘addiction’ to online dating can leave people feeling really stuck and distanced from their self-identity,” she says.

Kira highlighted this as a critical element of what kept her using the apps for two years despite the negative experiences.

“It had become a habit, a part of my daily routine. I’d log on in the morning when I woke up like I did with social media, turned notifications on so I’d be alerted throughout the day and even after going on a really shitty date I’d just get back on the horse and keep going,” she says.

The Impact of Boy Sobriety

Five months into her boysober journey, Kirra says she can already feel the difference.

“Not only do I have more time to do the things that I want to do and to spend time with the people who lift me up, without the constant negative experiences bringing me down, I just feel lighter and more me.”

Bradley agrees that the benefits of going boysober can help recalibrate your needs in life so you can return to the dating pool more in tune with your authentic self.

“You can spend some time reconnecting with your interests, investing in yourself and the things you love, without balancing the competing needs of a partner.”

She also says that it is important to use the boysober period to reflect on why you are using dating apps.

“Are you trying to find love, are you looking for sex, are you seeking a confidence boost? Perhaps explore your own sexual self-pleasure or work on building your self-esteem,” she says.

Returning to the dating scene

While Kira has no plans to hop back into the dating scene just now, and is enjoying being single without the pursuit of a relationship, Bradley says the #boysober movement should be used in moderation, just like the apps themselves.

“Get out and meet people in real life, no filters, no curated photo gallery. Real effort, real conversation, real chemistry,” she urges, when it’s time to return to the dating game.

“Live your life how you want to live it and see if the person you connect with can also fit that life without you having to change everything to suit them.”