Is There A Psychological Reason Women Feel Bad After Casual Sex Or Is It Just A Result Of The Patriarchy?

For years, feminists have been fighting the sexual double standard, encouraging women to act like men and have lots of casual sex. They continue to blame the patriarchy for women feeling guilty after casual encounters, but is it possible there’s actually a good, psychological reason why women feel this way?

The sexual double standard is both biological and societal. It’s biological because men are programmed to avoid women who may cuckold them, and promiscuity is an indication that this may happen. But this paternity certainty instinct (the extent to which a man can be certain that a child his partner is carrying is his own) has contributed to the societal belief that women who sleep around are sluts, or unworthy of dating and marriage.

This is something that was covered in an It’s Me Tinx podcast episode recently, where a listener contacted the show to talk about feeling guilty after a drunken one-night stand. Tinx, the podcast host, told the listener that she only feels bad because the patriarchy has conditioned women to feel this way. Tinx’s solution for the listener was to encourage her to continue sleeping around and fight through the guilty feeling.

Just like many modern feminists, Tinx hasn’t stopped to consider the psychological or biological reasons why her listener may be feeling this way. For example, did you know that a woman (who isn’t on birth control) can literally smell the most compatible man for her? These biological instincts we’ve developed to protect ourselves and set us in the right direction are there for a reason — and a woman’s instinct to avoid casual sex is no different.

The Psychological Reasons Why Women Feel Guilty after Casual Sex

There’s no way around it — casual sex is riskier for a woman than it is for a man, and there are many reasons for this. This is partly why we feel guilty after casual sex — it’s our brain trying to dissuade us from sleeping with men we hardly know again. Here’s why.

Men Are Physically Stronger

As men are biologically stronger than women, it’s no surprise that going home with a guy you don’t know could be dangerous. Not only could a guy be very rough, but he could quite literally kill a woman. This kind of behavior has grown ever more common with the rise of pornography and the normalization of BDSM and other practices which advocate for the sexual abuse of women. This has led to women being coerced into performing sex acts they feel uncomfortable with. In fact, a UK survey of over 22,000 adult women reported 16% had been forced or coerced to perform sex acts the other person had seen in porn.

Women Become Emotionally Attached

Women simply haven’t evolved to enjoy casual sex like men. When we have sex, we release a larger dose of the “love hormone” oxytocin in comparison to men. It’s also released while kissing, hugging and cuddling, and during foreplay. And it doesn’t matter who the person is — it could be your long-term boyfriend or just some random guy — the hormone will still be released to form an attachment.

Women Are More Susceptible to STIs

Unlike men’s genitals, women’s genitals are a much more hospitable environment for pathogens which can easily make their way through to a woman’s body. As a result, women have an increased risk of catching sexual diseases in comparison to men — and women tend to suffer more from these sexually transmitted diseases.

Some STIs can lead to female infertility; men, on the other hand, will have reduced fertility but will almost never end up infertile.

For example, women are three times more likely to get chlamydia than men. If chlamydia goes untreated, 40% of women will develop pelvic inflammatory disease. Worse still, around 8% of women who get pelvic inflammatory disease will end up unable to have children. Men, on the other hand, will have reduced fertility due to STIs but will almost never end up infertile.

Women Can Get Pregnant

It’s somewhat controversial to say today, but women can get pregnant and men can’t. So, if a woman becomes pregnant after a casual encounter with a man, she will have to carry this man’s child, potentially without any emotional or financial support. Although single mothers do an incredible job, even just on a financial level, being a single parent is much harder than a two-parent family.

With all these risks considered, it’s no wonder a woman may feel shame or guilt after casual sex — her body and mind are literally telling her it’s a bad idea because of the risk of STIs, pregnancy, and bodily harm. It’s a survival instinct and a warning not to do it again.

Men Don’t Respect Casual Partners

The attraction and popularity of having a casual sex arrangement with a guy has grown in recent years. The arrangement is usually two friends who meet up regularly for no strings attached sex. By hooking up with a guy friend, a girl can feel safer, as it reduces the potential for violence and STIs. However, this kind of arrangement can still take a toll on a woman psychologically for a whole list of reasons.

Men Have Lower Standards for Friends with Benefits

In Sherry Argov’s book Why Men Love Bitches, she writes about how men put women in two categories. Women who are “worthwhile” (meaning they’re worthy of dating and pursuing a life with) and women who are a “good time only” (women who are only worthy of a casual arrangement). And this may seem like a great setup for two consenting adults who just want to scratch an itch; however, the women in these situations tend to become emotionally attached and aren’t held in as high regard by the men they’re sleeping with. Sometimes, these men even feel too embarrassed to introduce the girl they’re sleeping with to their friends and family.

For example, there are many posts on Reddit of men feeling genuinely surprised that their friends with benefits arrangement would want more with them, and even believe the woman they’re sleeping with is below them.

One user on Reddit writes, “I was hanging out with my friends with benefits on Thursday after work. We been hooking up for six months. I was heating us up some food, and she started asking about what I look for in a long-term girlfriend. I told her that I want someone successful, and someone that I think would make a good mom. She starts then talking about how she has those qualities, and I see how this conversation is going, so I change the topic. She brings it up and starts asking me what should she focus on to be the kind of girl guys want to marry one day. I told her she is fine the way she is, she just needs to find the right guy. She asked me why I don’t want to date her down the road when I am looking for something. I told her that she is great, but she isn’t really girlfriend material in my eyes. She started crying like crazy after that. I don’t know what was going on, we never had a thing, she never talked about having feelings or anything. She ended up leaving like 30 mins afterwards.”

He continues,

“I don’t get this at all. I like her, I like hooking up with her, but in all honesty, she isn’t my type and I am not really all that attracted to her. For me, when I am with someone long term, I want to find them really attractive, because you are with them forever. While with friends with benefits, the novelty is what makes it hot. I think she has a good personality, just isn’t all that attractive, to be honest. I don’t know if telling her that would do any good or just piss her off more.”

Friends-with-benefits arrangements simply allow men to take what they want, while leaving many women in emotional disarray afterwards.

These types of arrangements are all kinds of disrespectful to a woman. We aren’t a “novelty” for men to use to fulfill their sexual desires. We are worthy of being courted and demanding commitment from a man before sleeping with him. Friends-with-benefits arrangements simply allow men to take what they want, while leaving many women in emotional disarray afterwards. So it’s no wonder women feel bad after these casual encounters.

Casual Sex Makes People Feel Lonely

A writer for Stylist magazine embarked on a year of casual sex. She wrote how excited she was to embrace a year of “tight embraces, winding conversations and sex that would make [her] gasp and clutch at crumpled sheets.” Instead, she writes that she’d “never expected casual dating and sex to feel so lonely.”

She writes of how she wishes people would act like they care more when it comes to dating, even in a casual arrangement. “Fewer mind games, more empathy and honesty. I wish there was more warmth and more tenderness in the world of casual sex,” she writes.

Given that casual sex is all about the transaction and not the emotional intimacy, this cry to be treated more respectfully feels in vain. The point of casual sex is that both participants don’t have to care and can have their physical needs fulfilled by using the other person’s body. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything casual about sex — physically intertwining your body with another’s could never be casual — so it’s no wonder it takes such an emotional toll on the people who participate in it. Truly fulfilling sex is about the whole person, not just their genitalia.

The Take-Away

It’s true that there are many women who can have casual sexual encounters without feeling guilty afterward, but these women are in the minority. Women score much lower in sociosexuality and have evolved to avoid casual encounters because it is so much riskier for a woman than a man. Instead of fighting biology, we should embrace what our minds and bodies are telling us. It’s a built-in protection mechanism telling us what’s good and what’s bad for us.