Should You Tell Someone If Their Significant Other Is Cheating On Them?

It’s not your relationship, but is it your duty to inform someone that their significant other is being or has been unfaithful if you happen to find out? Or should you look the other way and mind your own business?

Every couple, even the most seemingly in love, perfect ones, have matters that stay just between them, matters that aren’t for the rest of the world to see and have an opinion on.

The more difficult parts of the other’s personality, the unique hurts that they have caused the other, the hidden struggles with mental health — all of these are issues that people generally want to keep to themselves. While they might share with a trusted friend or a counselor, they certainly don’t want the harder parts of their relationship out in the open.

Another thing that often goes on this list? Infidelity. Being cheated on is devastating and embarrassing. Cheating on someone is shameful and unprincipled. It’s no wonder that two people navigating the post-infidelity relational waters would often prefer fewer rather than more people to know about it. How a couple chooses to deal with infidelity is personal, and having too many outside opinions weighing in isn’t always helpful.

This is what makes it particularly tricky if you happen to find out that someone is cheating on their significant other. Maybe you just found out that your husband’s best friend is being unfaithful to his wife. Or maybe you caught your coworker getting cozy with another guy despite being engaged. Or maybe you happened to overhear a total stranger recounting their affair. A million questions are suddenly raised: Are you supposed to tell the person being cheated on? How would you even go about that? Should you approach the cheater and tell them what you know? Or should you keep out of it entirely and tell yourself it’s none of your business? According to a poll on Instagram run by an Australian radio channel, while 82% of participants said they would tell someone if they knew they were being cheated on, only 53% of people said they had actually done that.

As the saying goes, if you see something, say something, right? Not saying anything feels like being a co-conspirator. Suddenly, you’re keeping someone’s dirty little secret for them, and you’d rather not be in on it.

On the other hand, saying something feels risky, even invasive, even if it’s for a good cause. What if they don’t react well? What if you end up losing a friendship or a job? If you’ve found yourself in the uncomfortable situation of knowing such terrible information and don’t know what you’re supposed to do about it, here are a few questions you can ask yourself to get a better idea of how you can handle it.

How Solid Is Your Proof?

When you don’t have the full context, it’s incredibly easy to misinterpret someone’s behavior or misconstrue their motives. Maybe that woman you saw your husband’s best friend hugging with a little too much familiarity was just his little sister. Maybe your coworker’s engagement was quietly called off weeks ago. Maybe you misunderstood that stranger’s conversation.

With this in mind, it’s important to evaluate how solid your proof is. Did you come across private messages that explicitly highlighted a sordid romantic relationship? Did you see them kissing, holding hands, or acting like a couple with someone other than their significant other? Did you overhear a stranger’s conversation where they blatantly stated they were having an affair? Are you absolutely sure they’re still with their partner or have things fizzled out?

The more solid your proof is, the less you risk causing a stir when there didn’t need to be one and embarrassing yourself by getting involved in (or even creating) a misunderstanding.

Once someone has been accused of cheating, even if the accusation wasn’t correct, this will plant a seed of uncertainty in the couple, especially for the person whose significant other was suspected of infidelity. Messing with a couple’s sense of trust when it’s unnecessary is the last thing you want to do, so until you have undeniable proof in your hands, it might be best to hold off on taking action.

But let’s say you know for certain that someone was unfaithful to their partner. What are the next questions you can ask yourself?

What’s the Nature of Your Relationship?

With each type of relationship we have, be it familial, friendly, or professional, there will be different boundaries (even unspoken ones) and different expectations. It’s crucial to take into account the nature of your relationship with either the cheater or the person being cheated on before deciding what to do with the information you have.

If either (or both) of them are close to you, then there’s a better chance that your words of caution, or your confrontation, will mean more because it’s coming from someone who has their best interest at heart and has earned their trust. You will be able to have a more candid discussion with them. Still, this doesn’t mean it will be an easy conversation.

Things get significantly trickier if the cheater or the person being cheated on is someone you only know distantly or professionally. Because your relationship with them hasn’t been built on a foundation of mutual trust and familiarity, choosing to approach them about suspected or verifiable infidelity will require careful consideration.

What Would You Want To Be Done for You?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you — this golden rule that we all learned as little kids never ceases to be relevant. It’s always worth it to evaluate which actions we would prefer to be taken towards us when deciding how to navigate a situation as delicate as this one. If someone (even a person you weren’t very close with) had proof that you were being cheated on, what would you want their response to be?

Would you prefer them to stay out of it entirely? In that case, though, you would be staying with someone who’s unfaithful — without having consented to or chosen that. There’s a chance you would never find out about their affair, which might save you a world of emotional pain, but at what cost?

Or would you prefer to be told? Your world might come crashing down, and you may have a long road to healing ahead of you. It could create trust issues with other relationships down the line that you would have to work through, but you’d also be free from a relationship with someone who didn’t respect you and wasn’t fully committed to you.

If You Choose To Tell Them, Here’s The Classiest Way To Do It

You’ve pondered each of these questions, and you’ve come to the conclusion that you couldn’t live with yourself if you knew about someone being cheated on and did nothing at all about it. Fair enough. But what do you do now? How should you approach telling them? How are you supposed to deliver such devastating information in a compassionate, thoughtful, classy way?

If you’re close with the person who’s been cheated on, set aside some time to talk to them in private (in person, if you are able to). Get the facts of what you know in order before telling them, expressing that you’re sharing this information because they deserve to know. Be prepared for a myriad of reactions. They might break down, shut you out, or ask a series of follow-up questions. Offer them support, no matter their reaction to the news.

If you aren’t very close with them but still have absolute proof of an affair, you could consider sending them a note stating what you know, while admitting that you may be missing critical information that would clear things up. Because they don’t know you very well and the subject matter is incredibly personal, they might prefer to receive this information without you to witness it.

If you don’t know them at all but simply catch a stranger “in the act,” things become significantly more challenging to navigate. Exposing a cheater via TikTok has certainly taken the world by storm, and there have probably been circumstances where it ended positively, but it’s important to take into account the implications of posting a doxxing video online. The person being cheated on finds out, which is often a good thing, but there are also negatives. Their privacy is invaded. They find out that their partner has been unfaithful after tens of thousands of strangers have. Their life and relationship are suddenly thrust into the spotlight and the court of public opinion. This even potentially puts someone in danger, if they’re in an abusive relationship. If you feel drawn to expose a cheater this way, ask yourself whether you truly have solid facts and whether your genuine desire is to help someone or if you’re hoping to go viral.

The Take-Away

Telling someone they’ve been cheated on is no one’s favorite mission. It’s safer to inform someone if you actually know them, even distantly, than to assign TikTok to find the wife of a man in a grainy video taken secretly.

If you choose to tell them, keep in mind the fact that the information you hold will change at least two lives (more, if children are involved), so approach the situation with empathy and humility.