The Sad Reality: Why Women Friend Zone Guys
The friendzone is quite possibly a man’s most dreaded relationship status.
The other day I was speaking to a man who found me when I had attended a relationship workshop in Mexico and was considering hiring a coach to help him understand what he is doing wrong when dating.
He’s 47, handsome, never been married, no kids, and does very well for himself professionally. He’s had a few serious romantic relationships in his life. The last one was 3 years long and ended 5 years ago. Since then he’s been dating online and finds that despite being great on paper, he has developed a pattern where women put him in the friendzone.
He, like many men want answers. What makes a woman say, “You’re really sweet, but I’m feeling more of a friend vibe,” ushering you off to the friendzone? Here are reasons guys get friendzoned.
1. You’re unclear about what you want out of life
When a guy isn’t clear about what he wants in his life, he’ll give off a vibe that he’s not stable, serious, and ready for commitment. She perceives you as “the fun one” and if she’s looking for a serious relationship and likes you as a person, she knows if she sleeps with you, it’s not going to go anywhere, so why bother.
Get your goals on point. Know where your life is headed so that you can come across as directed and grounded. If you’re starting your 3rd business and are a little erratic in your life right now, she’ll pick up on that. Women want to feel safe. Stability is sexy to a high value woman who will friendzone any man who seems flighty.
2. The ‘Nice Guy’ effect
Is it possible to be “too nice”? Of course it is. Unfortunately women don’t always behave rationally. Sure, they usually complain that guys are just assholes and are immature and avoid anything resembling a committed relationship. However, they also tend to overlook “nice guys” and choose the “bad boys.” It’s not that they want to be treated like s*** or anything, but “bad boys” are just more interesting and mysterious — their confidence is attractive and sexy.
Subconsciously they ignore the fact that there is a higher probability that they might hurt them, but they choose them anyway, hoping that “this guy will be different.” The same way a lot of them tend to choose bad guys, they tend to ignore nice guys.
Paradoxically, if you show the ladies that you are confident in yourself, and that you can say “no” to them from time to time, they will start to notice you more. How weird does that sound … don’t be too nice to that hot girl you’re interested in.
3. The love chain
First off, not all women are ALWAYS putting you in the friend zone. The dating game is very cyclical, so you have to pay attention. Sure, you may be interested in her, but if she’s giving you clear signals that she’s not interested in anything more than just being friends, move on.
I’m sure you have a few girlfriends around you who would like to get to know you better who you’ve shutout yourself, so get over it and keep an open mind.
4. You give too much too soon
Think of dating as the movie trailer. It’s just a glimpse into what you can expect from the full 2 hour movie (the relationship). Did you ever see a movie trailer and think they gave too much away? You immediately question if it’s worth seeing it in the theatre if at all. Same thing goes for dating. If you share too much about yourself right from the start, there’s nothing more to discover. There’s a way to share that is strategic. Teasing more information is enticing.
When she compliments you for being a gentleman and closing the passenger side door after she gets in, playfully reply,
“Oh there’s more where that came from beautiful, I’m a chivalrous, romantic, guy.”
This evokes curiosity. She’ll want to see more. However, rattling off 10 romantic things you would do for her could backfire and be a turnoff because you don’t know her well enough to know what she even likes.
5. You’re trying to hard to prove your worth
Let me just say that you are worthy, you are enough and you are love at the core. It’s ok to want to put your best version of yourself forward when dating, especially when you really like the person. However, there’s an energy of desperation that people can pick up on. The “please like me” vibe begs for approval. It may lead to you being timid.
When you’re so wrapped up about what she think of you, you’ll seem anxious. Your hands will awkwardly reach for hers, and then miss. You’ll apologize for looking at her. You’ll be afraid to touch the small of her back while standing close. You’ll miss the opportunity to move the stray hair from her face. She’ll think you are so polite, very sweet but sadly, a friend. She may even question your romantic interest in her.
6. You just aren’t her type
From what I have noticed, guys are a little more flexible when it comes to the “types” of girls they are interested in. If a girl is hot and isn’t too annoying and can actually hold a conversation, usually a guy will at least ask her for her number or out on a date, but for us ladies it’s more complicated. We are pretty particular when it comes to the “types” of men we are interested in: don’t take it personally.
For example, if she’s only into older guys, she won’t be afraid to put younger guys into the friend zone. If she’s into professional types with money, she isn’t going to be impressed by a teacher. If she’s only into tall muscular guys, then she’s not going to be impressed by the small, intellectual type. If she wants something serious but you are a total man-whore who can have anyone — she will friend zone you too, and so on.
Usually even our closest friends aren’t aware of the types of guys we are into. If we meet a guy who is cute and interesting, we might be flattered that he’s into us, but probably wouldn’t let him out of the friend zone
7. You’re making it too easy
Humans often continue to act like children into adulthood. Similarly, like children, if the same old toy that we are comfortable with is always around, we get bored. What we really want is a new toy, a toy that other people want to play with. Sorry for this metaphor, but I’m afraid it’s the closest way to illustrate the truth.
If you want a girl, you can’t always be there for her. The ladies are players too, and they want to know that they have to put in some effort. If a guy is too obvious with his feelings, sometimes they get freaked out and demote him. Learn to say no to her from time to time.
8. Your life is all about work and it makes you boring
This is for Type-A success-minded people when they’re dating. They are always working. The rely on dating apps to find people to date because they are too busy to go out. They go out on dates maybe once a week and the rest of their social life is non-existent or limited to beers with their bros watching the game.
When she asks you to tell her about yourself and you launch into work, work and more work, she’ll nod and smile but inside she’s thinking that you have no life and are hoping a girlfriend will give you one. Doesn’t work that way. Sorry! Create a life that someone will want to be a part of. Ask yourself if you’re bored in your own company. If yes, get out of isolation, go out and have fun!
Being aware of the potential reasons why you’ve been “Friend Zoned” or why women friend zone guys may help you solve the problem and take your relationship to the next level.
I also want you to realize that women are raised to be polite. The whole “I like you as a friend” thing is a nicer way of saying that there’s no way she’s getting naked with you, ever. Maybe she does like you as a fellow human sharing the planet. This doesn’t mean she actually wants to grab brunch one of these Sunday’s. Wish her well and move along. Don’t try to force a friendship thinking she will change her mind.
