Turns Out, We’re Not Great At Break Ups

We just keep hangin’ on.

Your nose is puce-red from blowing into tissues, your Netflix remote got a good manhandling over the last few weeks and you‘ve gone through too many Nutella jars to be honest with yourself about; when it comes to break ups, there’s nothing pleasant about the whole fiasco. They’re vile things at the best of times. And new research has found that, well, we’re not very good at them to boot — if there’s such a thing as being ‘good’ at break ups.

A study conducted by Who Gives A Crap found that a whopping 75% of people hold onto their ex’s stuff, despite nearly 72% of us agreeing that that’s probably not advisable. In fact, nearly 1 in 5 of us hang onto things for more than two years, usually in the form of photos, gifts and letters. Two years is no joke.

We spoke to relationship and intimacy coach Susie Kim on all things break ups and how we can maintain positive and calm relationships.

Why do people break up generally?

Kim sees two main reasons for break ups in her line of work, “Too much conflict and not enough connection. A lot of couples don’t know how to effectively navigate conflict, and this can escalate until the couple are embedded in patterns of conflict that get worse and worse over the years. After a while, they decide to call it quits because the good is outweighing the bad.”

Interestingly, she often sees the opposite reason as the catalyst, too. Couples who hardly fight at all can also find themselves drifting apart.

“It’s because they’ve both avoided conflict and chosen to bury their heads in the sand,” says Kim. “By avoiding conflict, and not being open and vulnerable about their needs, wants and hurts, they’ve also cut off deeper connection. Eventually, they realise that they’re not emotionally connected anymore, and are feeling lonely in their relationship.”

“In most break ups, there is either too much fire (i.e. conflict), or none at all. The couples that make it learn to both manage the fire, and keep the connection alive.”

What are five tips to maintaining a healthy and (mostly) calm relationship?

⇨ Manage our own stress levels. So many people are chronically stressed out these days, and it has a huge flow-on effect on our relationships. Stress makes us less present, less patient, and less capable as a partner. It is a gift not only to ourselves, but to our partners and family if we prioritise and actively work on decreasing our stress levels.

⇨ Focus on nourishing our relationships and other interests. It’s so easy to get swept up in the comfort and familiarity of a relationship and stop putting energy into other areas of our lives. While it’s great that we can rely on our partners to meet a lot of our needs, it’s impossible for them to meet all of them. We need to actively nurture our own hobbies and friendships so that we have a healthy sense of ourselves.

⇨ Get to know each other’s emotional triggers and defence mechanisms. In a relationship, you’ll inevitably bump up against each other’s emotional sensitivities. These triggers and defences often lead to conflict and disconnection, but they don’t have to. If you can get a clear understanding of each other’s triggers and defences (i.e. what sets you off, and how you behave when you’re set off) you can learn to accept and respond to each other more compassionately, even in conflict.

⇨ Practice regular relationship check-ins. Setting aside regular time for check-ins is a great way to make sure you’re always on the same page with each other emotionally. This could be every week, fortnight or month. Grab a cup of tea or glass of wine, and ask each other these questions:

• What’s going well in our relationship?
• What’s challenging in our relationship?
• What’s something you’re happy or proud of yourself about?
• Is there anything you’re stressed or worried about?
• What can I do to have you feel more loved and supported this week/month?

⇨ Keep the sense of humour alive. Life gets so serious and stressful, that being able to laugh together can be a huge relief and a way to maintain a positive connection. Unless you’re both natural-born comedians, lots of people find that they need to actively keep the sense of humour alive.

So, laugh at those dad jokes. Make more dad jokes. Choose to see the funny side when someone spills the yoghurt on the carpet. If you can laugh together, you’re creating positive memories no matter what else is happening.