Why Is Female Dependence On Men So Demonized?

I recently came across a compilation of TikTok dating advice, and my goodness, where did we go so wrong?

Dating advice, which is predominantly by women for women, is rife with misguided and absolutely terrible conclusions about femininity and masculinity. The chief takeaway that modern women go into dating and leave with though is this: You don’t really need anyone to be happy, and if things end with one man, there’s sure to be 10 or 20 more who could step in for either casual sex or serve an entertaining purpose for a couple of dates.

There’s no sincere instruction on how to date with purpose or intention. Heaven forbid we search for potential partners with the intention of marrying them. What’s more, these women don’t actually seem very happy or fulfilled by their dating lives. In actuality, they seem pretty miserable, which eventually leads us to ask: Why is female dependence on men so demonized?

Where Independence Goes Wrong

It’s 2024. The global birth rate is declining, and women continue to be told from all sides — media, influencers, corporations, their own friends and family — that having a career to grind away at during their most energetic and productive years is what is truly meaningful.

Being independent in our youth is commendable. It can teach us responsibility, self-awareness, emotional intelligence, even good financial skills. But we’re not meant to be independent (and alone) forever, are we? It could even be argued that dependence on the right person (not just any person, obviously) can inspire greatness within us. For some, being with the right person is a huge motivator in getting them to grow, mature, and be the best possible version of themselves.

Interestingly, there’s something unfeminist about relying on men or depending on them for anything. But we spend our childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood relying on other adults. We spend our twenties and thirties, going into middle age, relying on our friends and loved ones for comfort, advice, consolation, and companionship. Yet relying on a man for that same purpose is seen as a prehistoric way of living.

The people who advocate for this way of thinking (and living) have either had very poor and unfortunate interactions with men or are so misguided that they mistake their independence for infallibility. Independence is commendable up to a point, but it doesn’t have to be the governing force in our life, nor should it be.

The Mulan Effect

Remember when the Disney Corporation started remaking all our favorite childhood cartoons, only the remakes were pretty terrible? All of the fairy tales we were told, watched, or read during our childhood (and beyond) usually culminated in the girl getting her prince in the end. Now, most production companies wouldn’t think of such a thing in the name of “empowerment.”

Mulan was the first to be subjected to this kind of treatment. The 1998 classic stole our hearts with its music and characters — yes, even Captain Li Shang. This movie originated the enemies-to-lovers plot for a lot of us, but the romance wasn’t the entire focus of the plot. Was it nice that they ended up together? Sure, but Mulan didn’t disguise herself as a man to join the army and find a boyfriend. The film is about sacrifice, family, honor, and being true to yourself.

The 2020 remake decided this was a subpar message to send to young girls and eliminated the Shang character altogether. Perhaps unrelatedly, it was also a major studio loss, only garnering $70 million against its $200 million budget. Apparently, studios didn’t get the message because more and more films geared toward girls have followed suit.

Take the new Snow White that’s set to be released in 2025. The film, which is already receiving flak for not having a romantic angle (among other controversies), will star Rachel Zegler as the titular role. She said Snow White is “not gonna be saved by the prince, and she’s not going to be dreaming about true love. She’s dreaming about becoming the leader she knows she can be. The leader that her late father told her that she could be if she was fearless, brave, and true.”

This new creative decision is one she stands behind, saying, “It needed that. It’s an 85-year-old cartoon, and our version is a refreshing story about a young woman who has a function beyond ‘Someday My Prince Will Come.’”

Perhaps there’s nothing inherently wrong with telling young girls that they don’t have to pursue men to have a purpose, but as with any progressive movement, this goes above and beyond the original intention. Taking classic female characters and revamping them as cringey woke girl bosses who don’t need men to have a happy ending misunderstands the point and teaches a new generation of girls that they need to avoid seeking romantic relationships to be truly fulfilled.

No (Wo)man Is an Island

But the answer to eschewing all semblance of dependence on a man is not the opposite extreme. A recent video went viral across several platforms in which a young woman documents her days as a “25 year old stay at home girlfriend.” As with the majority of things on the internet, it looks like a pretty sweet gig. She wakes up when she wants to, spends her days in coffee shops, uses a bevy of expensive skincare products in the shower, and has her boyfriend take her to nice restaurants when he gets off work. There are definitely no pets or kids begging for attention or throwing tantrums.

A fulfilling life lies in balancing both self-agency and healthy interdependent relationships.

But one eagle-eyed observer screen-grabbed the girlfriend in question’s diary and pointed out the reflections she’d written down. She jotted down that she didn’t have any source of fun, little social life to speak of, no excitement, no fulfillment, no joy or satisfaction. There’s a huge rift between what she’s portraying to the world and what she’s actually experiencing inside.

Many watching the video rightfully questioned what would happen to her lifestyle if she and the boyfriend who bankrolls it suddenly split. According to her video, she relishes in her financial dependence on her partner, but we know from her diary entries that she receives no emotional fulfillment from it. How many other women advocating publicly for a strings-free lifestyle with no ties to anyone or anything are representing their life online a certain way but are also miserable?

We were never meant to be alone, and you don’t have to believe in a grand design or religiously influenced plan for humanity to think so. We are not meant to exist as creatures who live and exist solely for themselves or even ones who depend on others purely in a transactional sense. The consequences which inevitably follow this kind of reinforced thinking are only heartbreak and misery. Rather, the truth of a fulfilling life lies in balancing both self-agency and healthy interdependent relationships.

The Take-Away

It doesn’t make you less of a woman to want someone to spend your days with someone you love and care for or have an intimate relationship within the context of marriage. Dependence on others is seen as a sign of healthy emotional development and vulnerability, so why can’t women depend on men?

Dependence on a partner isn’t just about vulnerability, as those who believe you can never trust men not to hurt you will think. It’s also about choosing to give yourself the best opportunity for happiness and fulfillment that you possibly can. It’s about giving your future self the gift of companionship and satisfaction. Dependence might be a dirty word to some, but it’s the best plan for long-term happiness that is ever offered.