A Good Reason To Cheat
Anger should not be one of them.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” is what I thought. My affair with Sarah* had gone beyond my intended boundaries. I tried to tell myself that I hadn’t been looking for an affair; but the reality was that I have always been open to it.
Anyone in an affair has poor boundaries, anyone that says otherwise are lying to themselves. I thought I had boundaries.
I didn’t.
I’d lay in bed at night texting with her and asking myself how all my boundaries had gone upside down. Looking back, I can admit to myself that I was not in the right headspace: I was full of anger and pain.
What I’m learning is that affairs won’t solve my emotional problems or physical needs; if anything, they will amplify them.
She and I connected at a moment in time when I felt broken. Nothing made sense. A lifetime of neatly tetris-ed baggage held together by flimsy band-aids of faux-confidence and workaholism had, as expected, majestically crashed.
I should have gone to therapy. I didn’t, I doubled down on poor boundaries.
I didn’t just have an affair. I felt like I deserved it.
“We need to end this for now,” I would announce without a plan of what to do after. Sometimes she’d respond with “What am I supposed to do?” Other times she’d agree and we’d stop talking for a few days and then start up all over again.
If I could be with her, everything will be better.
I was angry at my life, with her I found calm in my tempest.
With other affairs I had used time as my boundary. After all, there is just so much time in the day to balance work, home life, activities, etc. An affair, for me, was another thing to time manage between to-do lists.
I tried to keep my affairs short on day-to-day contact: one night stands or long-distance friendships, etc. Each one, an opportunity to be with someone, not because I wanted it, but because it would be fun, for both of us.
If it got too personal, I’d end it.
“I miss you,” she would text me late in the evening, I’d reply with a heartbeat, an apple watch feature that measures your heart beat and sends it as a vibrations to another apple watch. Something I never thought of doing or have ever done with my wife.
Any response in anger is going to end up completely upside down. This I feel is true for any response based purely on anger. An affair out of anger is not going to end well. I mean, affairs already have a high probability of not ending well… anger just adds to that fire.
“Thank you,” she’d respond to the spa day pass gift I sent her, followed by a series of boudoir photos. We had a library of explicit photos between us but these felt personal.
“Good morning,” I’d text her before even saying it to my wife.
She’d respond with a kiss emoji.
I’d type “I love you too” and hit send.
On the adultery subs on Reddit, there are posts that pop up from time to time, anonymous user so-and-so sharing their grievances and asking if they should have an affair.
My recommendation is to try to not have an affair as a reaction to anger, in whatever shape it manifests (resentment, regret, etc.).
I say try not to, because if a person is at the point of asking if they should… they already know the answer and have already made the decision. There really is no point in advising yes or no.
What I’d ask instead is “do you know why you feel this is the best thing for you right now?” It’s a difficult question to answer if the only thing in front of you is rage.
Don’t do things out of anger; do things you’re able to take responsibility for.
It has taken me a lot of personal work and therapy to stop saying “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
I made a choice to get into an affair, and that affair forced me to address a lifetime of anger that had been pooling. It might not have been what I wanted, but it sure as hell was the transformation that I needed.
All in all, while I am finding a more stable sense of joy, I would be a fool to recommended an affair as a response to anger. It’s a difficult path for change and growth.
** All names have been changed to protect privacy.
