Affairs Over 50: Love & Self-loathing
Ignoring insecurity is easier said than done
I was chatting with a client the other day and he talked about a women he’d met the week before. I’d been watching their chat and she seemed really sweet. My client is a very nice man — kind, sweet, considerate, attentive. He’s the sort of affair partner women dream about.
He met his new friend in a hotel restaurant, which is one of my recommended spots. Anyway, on mutual agreement, they decided to become more acquainted with each other upstairs.
Along with meeting in hotels (i.e., places you won’t see your local friends too often), I tell my clients not to plan sex on the first date but to be ready for it in case it happens. Why? It is better to have a condom you don’t need than need one and not have it.
His friend was very self-conscious about her body, as most women are, but they worked through it. That’s more a sign of a shitty hubby than anything else.
When I came across this story in Reddit, it reminded me of my client’s friend.
Bean_Their has experience, “This isn’t my first rodeo,” she wrote. “I’ve been adultering for almost eight years now.”
She’s been involved with a series of affair partners over the years, but now she was facing a new challenge. She’s fallen for a man she met online a few months before, and they were meeting for the first time.
She’d had long-distance affairs in the past as well, but the idea of meeting this man was causing some jitters. “I don’t know what being in the same physical space with him will be like, whether all these fantasies we’ve cooked up were just wishful thinking,” she admitted.
She was also over 50, so the idea of getting intimate with a new partner was daunting. She wrote, “Maybe if I were still young, this wouldn’t be so difficult, but getting naked with a stranger at my age is always intimidating, especially if the new person doesn’t wear glasses.”
Editorial note — I hear ya, sister, lol
Reditors jumped in, as they do, “Spending 4 days together with someone you’ve never met in person is WILD to me,” they caution. “Have a backup plan in case the chemistry doesn’t translate.”
Another cheater agreed, “I DO have a backup, and my own transportation and credit cards.”
One said if there’s a genuine connection between two people, looks are secondary. “If your AP cares for you, it won’t matter how you look, just that you are together. Confidence is sexy!”
An over-50 lady shared her experience of meeting her affair partner after a couple of months of chatting. “I knew the sex would be fine as I was so lustful for him,” she recounted. “But I had a backup plan, an independent exit stage left if I wasn’t feeling or it started to get ick.”
Then this, “First — Breathe. Yes really…. breathe,” they recommend. “Second — you’ve been here (before), but you also haven’t been here (before). What I mean to say is, you have the experience and savvy to navigate this.”
And your girl? Here’s what I told her —
Chill. You’ll be fine. By the time you’re naked, he won’t have time to see all the things you see. He’ll look at you as a whole, and if he’s waited this long, he’ll be like a man in the desert. He’ll drink from your cup, and be grateful for what’s in it. Not what it looks like.
No one ever looks at us the way we look at ourselves.
Takeaways
Two themes emerged. The first is to always have a backup plan. Whether it’s having your own transportation and credit cards or an “exit stage left,” being prepared for any eventuality gives you the freedom and confidence to explore new relationships.
And any backup plan should come with a plausible cover story that answers the basic questions about why you’re home early— why are you home? What happened? Where did you eat?
The other was that looks are secondary. Confidence in yourself is what matters. I can name five things I hate about myself without a second thought. My affair partner? He has proven time and time again that we see different things when looking at my body. He knows where I’m sensitive, but he doesn’t see it. It’s very hard to believe him after 50+ years of living in this body, but I love hearing it.
It’s more likely than not that having a backup plan won’t be necessary, because like that man in the desert, he’ll probably want a drink first. And if you’ve had one, why not two?
We can probably blame our mothers for judging ourselves so hard, or the media, or our friends, or mean girls, or men, or, or, or. The reality is, that others don’t see what we see.
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ChatGPT 4 may or may not have supported the development of this story, but you’ll be pleased to know that ChatGPT4 hates adultery as much as you do!
© Teresa J. Conway, 2023
