This Is How I End Up Fucking Your Wife
What a title, huh? Such an attention grabber. I’m sure it stirs up all kinds of weird emotions inside your stomach, maybe your shoulders have tensed up and your jaw just clenched. Maybe you smiled because you’ve been here before. Maybe you’re triggered because you got cheated on, and if that’s the case, I’m sorry that happened to you. But, I’m not the bad guy.
I’m the “Dexter” of Adultery.
I won’t fuck your wife if you’re in a good sexual relationship with her. If she’s fulfilled emotionally and physically, chances are, she’ll never find me lurking in Reddit, Ashley Madison, or Tinder. If you are working on yourself, your relationship, and actually trying to grow your intimacy with her, you have nothing to worry about with me. If you’re worried about your girlfriend, don't. I have a code. I only engage with those women who have as much to lose as me.
This is my dark passenger.
I know you think I’m a terrible person, and you think I don’t deserve any happiness for the remainder of my existence. How dare I break the vows of my own marriage for a touch of your wife and her full undivided attention? Pay attention to which one of those hurts more? Please do yourself a favor and think about it for a second before you move on to another column. I’ll wait.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that “her full undivided attention” is the one that really pisses you off. As it should.
But if the title really hurt you, you probably already think you got it all figured out. You think you're doing what you should be doing. You’re the regular guy who works hard to take care of his family, plays some golf on Saturdays, maybe you watch a little football on Sundays. The guy who makes obnoxious comments about women to your work friends, or maybe you try to throw in a “What I would do to her…” so you can boost your ego enough to believe you have any shot. The guy who ends up having one too many beers or drinks and makes an ass out of himself in public. You don’t hold her hand. You don’t kiss her hello. You make zero effort in any of her interests.
Maybe you play some video games when she goes to sleep at night. Maybe you stroke your dick in the bathroom to a porno with a chick you know you’ll never get, in a position you would never ask your wife to try. This is all before you crawl into bed to fart for two hours and then snore for the next four.
Maybe you convince your wife to fuck you now and then. You cum too fast. You don’t go down on her. You barely give a shit to do anything to her breasts but watch them bounce as you convince yourself that you’re doing a good job because she makes this cute little “ugh” sound whenever you slam your unkempt pubic hairs into her vagina.
These men are the disappointment of a nation.
Breaking news, your wife already knows you stopped trying to improve yourself. She knows you don’t even try to figure out what makes her excited anymore. She knows you stopped giving a damn about how you present yourself once you said: “I do.” She watched as you stepped into Old Navy, grabbed the first pair of Khakis you could find, strapped on your polo, and walked into the world of the Matrix.
“You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else”- Chuck Palahniuk
This is why I end up fucking your wife.
Because you gave up on yourself. Again, I’m not the bad guy here. Neither are you, really. It’s not entirely your fault. She doesn’t even blame you all that much. She tried to tell you that once but you were scrolling through Instagram looking at bikini models. Or maybe you were down in front of the television getting more excited about a field goal than you were when she came downstairs in her panties to make herself a cup of tea. She saw that too.
Worse yet, she felt that.
Do you know how I know these things? Because she tells me. Not when we’re fucking though. Because she’s not thinking about you when we’re fucking. Trust me on that one buddy. I listen to her not just because I’m currently fucking the last 15 years of passion back into her. I listen because I actually give a shit about the women I stick my dick into. I care greatly for their well-being mentally and physically. I remember when she tells me things. I can easily recall what she said months ago and repeat whatever she said yesterday.
That’s what makes me your worst nightmare.
If you don’t want me to end up fucking your wife or if you’re a man who would like to dip their toes into this world, I ask that you stick with me as we move down this very treacherous highway to hell without judgment. And I realize just because I asked doesn’t mean I’ll get what I want. I’ve been in this game long enough to know I’ll never get what I want. The difference is, I’m okay with that.
Moon Man
