Hire an adulterer! No, not like that!

Why shady people make great employees

Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash

“Seriously, Bedswerver? I’m hardly putting it in my CV….”

Yes. I mean, no. I guess not.

Interests — Abseiling, writing poetry, repairing 100 year old farm equipment and affairs. How’s your wife?

Ok. So you’re not leading with your shady activities in the interview with Mr Prospective Employer.

But employers need to wise up to this stuff. Adulterers, experienced, been down this road before, adulterers, are ideal employees. Why?

Think about it:

• Who is better at protecting your company’s secrets? Adulterers know how to keep secrets. Better than most. Better than CIA agents.
• They need the job. Hotels and shady Ashley Madison accounts are expensive. Clothes. Waxing. Lubes and condoms. Gym memberships. Fake tans. Burner credit cards. All this shit costs money, dude. Add to that they’ve still got to pay the rent, school fees, gas, electricity account. A committed adulterer will protect their job, with their life. Once you’ve hired them, they’re here to stay, man.
• Office morale — Come on, who doesn’t want to hear the latest tale about 40yo Melanie running down an alley carrying her dress and shoes because the wife has just arrived at the hotel after spotting his car at 2:30 in the afternoon yesterday?
• Adulterers can advise Security on all the holes in their OPSEC. We know what the cameras don’t see. We also notice who gets out of the elevator at the same time…..smiling……
• As far as Sales goes, take it from me, man, I’ve scoped out enough male profiles on r/affairs to know these blokes could sell shit to a sewage farm. Written a few too good to be true ads myself, if I’m honest.
• Adulterers don’t go on many holidays. (See above on money) Plus, they can’t be far away, because the “one” is going to reply to their ad any day now…..any day now….
• Immaculate presentation. Noone has cleaner teeth, more regular hair cuts, carries mouthwash in their briefcase, and better manicured…..well….fucking everything, than your shady affairer. Er. Affairist….Affai….you know what I mean. They’ll dress better, and know how to make an elevator pitch for any new project in….oh …about the time it takes to have a coffee at that cute but quiet little cafe….you know the one, where you can see but not be…seen.

So there you go, Mr Employer. You might just need to adjust your interview techniques. Oh! Just one thing…..

Yeah, I wouldn’t be asking for HR’s help on this hiring…….