Horrible & Bad Ashley Madison Profiles from Men
OMG, some of these…
Laying in bed this morning, to cleared my head as I woke up, I checked my Ashley Madison (AM) account to see if anyone checked in. I use my account to chat with some clients.
But sometimes, like this morning, I had a little look-see at what the boys out there were doing. I also offer a little Adultery Faery love when I do.
I wasn’t disappointed…
Mr. Lonely
No one wants to date Debbie Downer. Even a sniff of negativity in a dating profile will set off alarm bells. Don’t plant a flag on Pathetic Mountain by calling yourself Mr. Lonely.
Sometimes when I sprinkle my faery dust on a profile, it might not feel good, but it’s for the betterment of all.
Here’s what I told him —
For the folks listening at home:
I understand where you’re coming from with that username but she is not going to want a project or a pity party. Also, as this is mostly a married dating site, your profile screams, “I’ll destroy your marriage.” So, fix it up or try Tinder because you’ll spend a lot of money here and get nowhere.
All pissy whiny profile names do is dry up vaginal excretions faster than a sandpaper tampon. Seriously, she has one of you at home. That’s why she’s on AM. She’s not here to find another hubby. She wants James Bond, not Homer Simpson.
You can be as lonely as you want, but she doesn’t care. She wants something fun, lighthearted, and upbeat. Do what every psychologist tells you not to do, and keep it to yourself if you want a date. Seriously, ball that shit up tight and stuff it down so far that your grandkids will be haunted by it. But for the love of god, keep it out of your profile.
The wounded sparrow routine doesn’t work.
Verdict? Bad.
Mr. HornyGrampy 🤢
WTF? Calling someone a pedo is the latest internet craze for the MAGA crowd, but yikes! Grampy is a little too intimate of a username. You can hear his grandkids calling him grampy, can’t you?
“Come sit on grampy’s lap.”
Keep that shit off of your profile. Who the hell would want to date a guy who calls himself HornyGrampy? I get it, he needs the sex, but grampy? It reminds me of the uncle the kids tell you to stay away from.
Never gonna do it for me.
Like, ever. Jesus.
Here’s the faery dust I sprinkled on HornyGrampy’s profile:
For the listeners:
Two things — if discretion is a must why are you showing your face. And “HornyGrampa”? Gross. So many wrong images come to mind with that username and not the sexy wrong.
I called him HornyGrampa instead of HornyGrampy, because I guess I was still in shock over the image he was leaving in my mind.
Grampy also had some tech challenges because he had his face pic up while writing discretion was a must. That was probably not his fault, as I’ve written before — article attached at the end.
Sorry, grampy, no nookie for you, but do say hi to the grandkiddos for me.
Puke.
Verdict? Horrible.
Mr. Gun_Mullet
Nothing shivers my timbers more than a man with a mullet and a gun in his hands. I get it. You love your 2nd Amendment. I love your 2nd Amendment. Without rights, no one could kill someone else with a gun in self-defense, wink-wink, or do other freedom shit.
“Praise the lord and pass the ammunition,” as my Army dad used to say.
What I don’t like is seeing baby body counts from gun violence on the morning news while drinking my coffee. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. It bothers me.
And what reminds me of those baby body counts? A guy holding a gun in his dating profile. I would rather see his cock in his hands than a gun.
But it wasn’t just the gun.
He says, “I am a tall young man about 6 foot 190 pounds very good looking longhair.”
Who told him he was very good-looking? His mom?
I didn’t have the heart to ask, but I’m guessing it’s what he tells himself each morning as he rotates ammo through his magazines while waiting to shoot the poor kid who dares knock on his door.
Who was this guy’s nanny? The Help?
You is kind. You is smart. You is important. You is very good-looking.
I didn’t message Fabio, and I’m sure the smell of gunpowder turns some girls on, but really? I like shooting as much as the next girl (I really do), but the only thing this mulleted pistol-packing MAGA is missing is a yellow-stained wifebeater.
And the long hair? Swoon. The problem is any woman he doesn’t shoot first would have to compete with his very good looks for attention ‘cos he is very good-looking.
Verdict? Horrible.
Monsterdong11
I’m not going to lie. I do like a sizeable penis attached to a man who knows how to use it, but Monsterdong11? Did he try the OG Monsterdong and Monsterdongs 1–10 before hitting the jackpot? Are there really 12 Monsterdongs out there?
With that sort of popularity, he must have felt he was on to something.
Moving to his greeting from his username was a delight — Bring it.
I can hear panties dropping. I’m sure pussy just started rolling in as ladies fought to bring it.
Here’s what his Faery Godmother of Adultery🧚🏻♀️ told him —
For those listening in, I wrote —
Sweetie, a little PSA — “MonsterDong” is doing the opposite of what you think it’s doing for you.
Will he listen? Probably not.
The first thing she sees is your username, and if it looks like it was written by a 13-year-old, she probably won’t bother replying to your “hi” message.
My rules on naming profiles for my clients are:
- Be funny and clean, or boring and clean, but be clean
- Don’t be opaque, childish, sexualized, gross, or stupid
Some guys just don’t realize how off-putting those names are. Sure, she’s on Ashley Madison looking for sex, but she needs to know you’re a safe, mature man and not some oversexed goofball before she messages.
Verdict? Bad.
Mr. Twister
This lothario wants to play a little naked Twister, which I’m sure could be fun, but this sexualized profile comes with a twist.
This man was on the bigger side of a healthy height-weight ratio, which puts some additional context on his profile. Let’s just say he won’t be playing Twister anytime soon, and I’m talking about Twister, not sex.
Not only did the Twister comment not present a good image, but I recommend that men use mental imagery to flatter or compliment their circumstances, not detract from them.
Big guys get laid, and I know because I’ve worked with some really great clients who had what it took. But we focused on their attributes and avoided things that took away from that.
Twister for his man? Nope, I wouldn’t recommend going there, even if the idea was kinda cute.
He also writes “Talented and Robust” in his profile. I’m sure he is, but what does talented mean? By whose measure? Like Mr. Gun_Mullet’s very good-looking comment? This falls flat. Self-assessments just aren’t going to work, no matter what anyone has told you.
Actions speak louder than words, so talk about something other than how awesome you are. If you’re awesome, she’ll let you know.
I didn't mention any of this because I’m not a jerk, but the wrong imagery in your profile, along with self-promotion, are things everyone should avoid.
Verdict? Bad.
Takeaways
Is there much more I need to add? I don’t think so. If you remember these two things, you’ll be ahead of the guys I was checking out this morning:
- Pick a profile name that doesn’t make her gag
- Don’t self-promote. You might be all that, but when you say it, it sort of sounds dumb.
There were no responses from the men I messaged as of press time.
Here’s that story I mentioned —
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023
