How did I get so lucky to have you even just this little bit? And how did I get so unlucky to lose my fucking mind?
July 8, 2017
Out two days and I’m hearing voices again. It makes it hard to sleep. They’re right in my ear when I just about fall asleep then they jolt me awake. I can’t make out what they’re saying. They don’t scare me. Because I understand it’s my mind playing tricks. What frightens me is the voices indicate I’m not well, that my mind is sick. And if that’s the case I might end up back in the hospital. I just don’t want that. I want to live and move on and not be so sick.
I’ve been thinking about our friendship. And that I will be leaving. And that I had asked you if we could connect in a more significant way before I go. You know I’m alone here in the apartment now. I’m not saying that because I want you to come over and fuck me. I’m just saying that I don’t know why I’m saying that. I just forgot what my point was. See? I’m a mess.
Jeff, I really don’t know what I should do. I just don’t know. I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. When I’m sick I get help. I did that. Why can’t I get a fucking break?
Just saying these things to you, knowing you’re on the other side of the email box and you’re going to read this, it just makes me feel better you’re there. Thank you for being there. I love you very very much.
I so want to hear from you how you feel. Deeper. We have so much fun together being surface. But I just want more of you. I wish I didn’t but I just do.
How did this happen to me? How did I get so lucky to have you even just this little bit? And how did I get so unlucky to lose my fucking mind?
Love and Love and Love,
I’m glad you’re out. You will get better and better. One step at a time. Just keep moving forward.