IEatAssGood: An Ashley Madison Profile Name Fail
What’s in a handle
I’ve been working with clients on Ashley Madison (AM) and connecting them with potential affair partners. My job is to open the door and get the convo going. I do that by building them a good profile first before going to messages.
One client asked me if she’d really read the longer profile I wrote for him. She will. She’ll be thirsting for someone who can string more than two sentences together in a pleasing way. Another client got this based on the profile write-up I wrote for him —
Her Message — Ok you definitely made me lol…on this stupid site that’s been like seeing a black unicorn.
Never underestimate the power of a nice profile, especially when 99% of men’s dating profiles are terrible. Think of your profile as your resume, where you lay out your situation, experience, expectations, and relationship you’re looking for.
Your profile says who you are
from your handle to your pictures. Have a look at this message I received recently -
His Message — I love you profile, you know what you want, let’s see if we connect on an intellectual level.
Sure, that sounds nice, doesn’t it? A man who’s interested in my intellect is a treat. When he sees my boobs and that I’m a natural redhead, they usually forget about my brain, but it’s a nice lead-in.
But let’s zoom out a little -
My response — I am never going to connect on an intellectual level with someone who thinks “IEatAssGood” is a handle women will respond to positiviely. It might have made you laugh, but you aren’t here to pick up yourself.
His reply — I never thought of that. Good point. I am here to pickup, maybe I need to change my name, not sure if that’s possible.
He never thought of that? He wants me to know he’s good at kissing me where I poop, and he thinks that’s enough to engage my intellect? I’m sorry, I can’t kiss a mouth that’s been poking around where I poop🤢.
Your Faery Godmother of Adultery 🧚🏻‍♀️ knows some of you degenerates like bum things! Even if I did, I think eating my ass is best left to a later conversation, at least? Am I wrong here? I’m not.
And just like that
He changed his profile name to something a little better. And guess what?
His message after changing his name — So, I’ve gotten more replies since I changed my name the other day than the last couple of months. How would I pay you, and what kind of help do you offer? Clearly will be money well spent, I just can’t have and trail. I’ve been using pre-paid VISA and M/C gift cards I bought with cash on here, for example.
He got more responses in a few days than he did in months — really? No shit, Mr. GoodAssEater. No shit.
Your profile is important! All of it:
- handle
- greeting
- write-up
- pictures
Each one of those elements says something about you. I’m sure Mr.GoodAssEater is a sweet guy and an eager lover, but his name got in the way. When you call yourself something stupid, her first thought will be this guy is stupid. And that’ll be it. Next, please.
Guys need to remember there is no shortage of cocks on AM. You need to show her why yours is the one she wants inside her, and if she thinks it’s connected to an idiot, you’re done.
Author note — I repeat the text of the screencaps so the people listening to the story, rather than reading it, don’t miss the flow. If you’re a writer, you should consider doing that as well to aid accessibility! Also note that I leave the text the way it originally appeared in the chat app!
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023
