I’m In an “Open Relationship….”
Well, that’s nice for you.
The words that strike terror into the heart of a serious adulterer:
“I’m in an open relationship…..”
“I’m polyamorous….”
Then why, pray tell, do you have a profile on Ashley Madison?
Hint: It’s in the first line on the page when you open the website — ”Affairs and Discreet Married Dating”
Tell me, babe, how’s that whole “open relationship” thing going for you when you’re listing on a site for affairs? Clearly the concept can’t be working terribly effectively…unless you have some kink for screwing married people?
The last thing I want to read about a Prospective Affair Partner (P A/P) is that you don’t have the same amount to lose as me. The last thing.
One woman even told me in a message, “Discretion is just as important to me….”
What the actual?
You just told me you’re in an “open relationship,” but you think you have the same requirements for discretion? Are you jerking me off? Why?
Hey babe, let’s open up our marriage so we can meet other people, but I’m still going to keep it all on the down low.
That, my friend, doesn’t sound like an “open relationship,” or practicing polyamory to me. That sounds like you’re even more dishonest than I am. At least I admit to being adulterous. You want to pretend you’re right in the zeitgeist, up with the newest trends in modern relationships, but you want your extra curricular activity kept secret.
Nope. No chance. I don’t want anything to do with you. The whole “honour among thieves” thing. Anyone I get involved with, on the sly, has to be honest enough to admit they’re a dirty rotten cheater too. Just like me.
Then there’s the question of consequences. If you, or we, get caught, your conversation is going to be a whole lot fucking different to mine.
Mine is going to involve anger, blame, things being thrown, kicked genitalia, separate bedrooms, potentially divorce, selling the house, the whole shebang.
Yours is going to be “well, we agreed to open up.” End of discussion.
And that terrifies me.
Because you do not have the same risk factor. You just don’t. So the potential for someone who isn’t even being upfront with their “open” partner to drop me right into a steaming pile of adultery shit is way, way too much of a risk. Way too much.
Nope. Anyone I screw with on the sly needs to have the same risk profile as me. The same understanding of OPSEC measures. The same gut wrenching hiding of secrets in our own head, and carrying the associated guilt. No concern about being “judged” in your family, workplace, friends, if the whole thing does turn to crap with a careless word or a badly timed exit out of the hotel’s side door.
Someone in an “open” relationship doesn’t even need to make excuses for being out of the house. Hell, you can probably disappear for an entire weekend, no questions asked. Arrive home Sunday night with no lies having to be told.
And, good luck to you. I’m thrilled for you, genuinely. In many ways, I wish my circumstances were the same. No chance, and believe me, dearest reader, I’ve run that conversation through my head a million times. I know how it would go. Not. Happening.
So, yes, I wish I were you. Except for one small thing. If I was in your very fortunate shoes, I wouldn’t be bothering with the fucking nightmare that negotiating Ashley Madison or r/naughtyfromneglect or wherever else shady adulterers meet. Hell no. I’d be out there in bars & clubs & grocery stores, hitting up potential playmates without any of the necessary hidden apps or automatically locked websites that less fortunate cheaters like me need.
So do me, and my fellow bad people a favor. Either get your “open” ass off our shameful sites, or try to be honestly deceptive like we are. This shit’s hard enough.
If you liked this one, read MonalisaSmiled original take on the “open marriage” myth:
