Rom-Com, Thriller, or Cheap Porno.
What type of movie is your affair?
Okay, stay with me here. We all know life can imitate art. And certainly, when one is ensconced in an illicit affair, there are plenty of scenarios that call to mind scenes from the silver screen — the drama of it all! But which movie is right for you? Let’s look at some options.
The Rom-Com
Main features: boy/girl/non-binary meets boy/girl/non-binary; attraction; issue to overcome; happy ending. Think “When Harry Met Sally” and “Friends with Benefits.”
This one often starts in real life as opposed to online. It might be a work situation, shared interests — he’s cute that’s for sure. Married yes, but so are you. So, it’s harmless this flirting and you have the same sense of humor. And — oh so much in common! And actually, he has a banging bod too. Better put some more time in at the gym. Not for him — for you of course.
The emails start innocently. Then they get saucier:
“I like that shirt you’re wearing today. Makes you look very hot.”
“Thanks. Present from my wife actually.”
One step back.
“So, can you meet me for a drink tonight?”
“Sure, do you want to go over the presentation again?”
“No, actually I wanna see you.”
Two steps forwards.
A drink turns to a kiss, a confession of pent-up lust, some soul searching about marriage being shit, and finally unbridled passion and all-night sex. An affair ensues... in the end (spoiler alert) everything works out.
The Low Budget Porno
Main features: German adult film stars with bad hair, paunches, and ugly underwear get naked and depraved in unlikely scenarios. Always the same ending, a happy one…Think, anything on PornHub.
This may not be a movie you see at the cinema, but it’s a significant genre nevertheless.
The scenario involves the big boss and his new assistant. She turns up on her first day wearing a belt that is actually a skirt and a boob tube. Frizzy yellow hair in pigtails, she’s in his office waiting for instructions.
He arrives and is shocked at her outfit. To be sure, he examines it in detail. The skirt — can her panties be seen when she bends over? They can, and what sort are they? A G-string! This is not company policy and it must be removed.
He asks about her skills for the job. She confesses she has no office skills, but certainly has other skills he may find useful. She removes his trousers and underwear and starts nibbling at his cock, her talonous fingernails caressing his balls. He’s groaning.
When he’s nice and hard, he grabs her and turns her around so her hands are on his desk and her legs spread wide.
He then pounds her sweet pussy with all his might, groaning his pleasure. Little does he realize his wife is in the next room, waiting for a surprise visit and wondering where his assistant is. Oh, the thrill of it!
Note: most cheapo porn moves and scenarios feature during an affair, where sex is quick, desperate, and non-vanilla.
The Psychological Thriller
Main features: the audience is often deceived into thinking the main character is a good person, but they are later revealed as a scheming freak. There is usually fear of/death. Think, “The Girl on the Train” and “Silence of the Lambs.”
This one definitely starts online. A handsome stranger appears in your messages. His pics reveal a chiseled jawline, a six-pack, and waves of curly dark hair. His profile reads like Robert de Niro meets Mahatma Gandhi. Sexy, sensual, experienced but highly principled, all about honesty and integrity. The perfect package!
And that chat! The energy between you is electric — he is charming but not smarmy. Intelligent but not smarter than you. An intellectual but good with his hands. Humble but still has a healthy ego. Mmmmm — you find yourself fantasizing about him.
“When can we meet,” you ask.
Usually men a very keen on this. They want to get into your panties and everywhere else ASAP. But not this mysterious guy. He says he wants to tease you a bit.
Should this be a warning sign you wonder? No, you choose to believe he’s into teasing — which sounds really fun for you!
Weeks pass, more chat, more pics but no plans. You’ve been Googling him — he really is all that. Lots of family pics of course but that’s the deal here. No catfishing, open with you about marriage/kids, and not in prison. All your fears allayed.
But it is now months and he won’t agree on a meeting date. He’s so busy!
He finally agrees on a date and place. You turn up early — you can’t wait for that great sex he has promised. But wait you do….and wait, and wait. He doesn’t show or answer texts.
Weeks pass. You finally hear from the sod. He’s only up for an online play and never wanted a real-life affair. He just couldn’t bring himself to tell you…so sorry. Creep!
That’s a wrap
The perverse act of wanting what someone else has goes to the depths of human nature. How can we be so scheming, so destructive, so caught up in our desperate desires? Are there any happy endings? Not really. But like any good movie, it’s the action in the middle that counts.
Read about my other adventures here
