Seeing Your Ex-Affair Partner in a Social Situation
When being ex-lovers gets a little too close to the fire
You had a passionate affair with someone who is part of you and your spouse’s shared social network. The affair ended. Abruptly. Unpleasantly. And you are kinda wrecked about it. You’ve been keeping your shit together when you’re around your spouse — well, kind of, anyway — and you’ve been staying away from your former paramour. And these seemed like rather amazing accomplishments, all things considered.
And then it came. The invitation to a small dinner party. You and your spouse are not only invited to attend, you’re expected to attend… and you know your ex-affair partner and THEIR spouse are going to be there, too.
And you basically want to die. Not going to the dinner party doesn’t really seem like an option. But going doesn’t seem like a great option, either.
Your emotions are raw. You’re still reeling from the breakup with your affair partner… and you’re still kind of in love with them. You aren’t sure how you feel about seeing them, period — and you really aren’t sure how you’re going to deal with seeing them with your spouse AND their spouse in the mix. Will you have an episode, of some sort? Will your affair partner behave themselves? Do you really HAVE to attend the dinner party?
Here’s the first thing I want you to know if you’re in a situation like this. You CAN opt out of going to the dinner party. It may seem like you are expected to go, and indeed, others may truly expect you to attend — and may not like it if you don’t. But that doesn’t mean you HAVE to go. Even if your spouse, the party hosts, or anyone else has a problem with you not going to the dinner party, dealing with their reactions might be your best option. If you truly do not think that you can be around your ex-affair partner without melting down, it might make the most sense to avoid the event at any cost.
On the other hand, if you are ready to actively and intentionally allow the affair to slide into the past, there are things you can do to prepare yourself to see your former affair partner without completely losing it — or, short of that, behaving in ways that other people at the dinner party might consider odd. Here are four steps you can take to prepare for seeing your ex-affair partner in a social setting.
ONE:
Decide if you’re ready to move beyond the affair or not. This is super important. Sometimes we don’t really want to move on, after a relationship ends — and if we don’t, that’s fair enough. But you can’t move forward if you aren’t willing to move forward. So decide — are you ready to put the whole thing behind you, or not? Deciding that you’re ready to move forward does NOT mean that you “get over it” right away. It means that you decide that you’re willing to begin getting over it. If you aren’t ready to get over it, that’s okay — but be honest with yourself if that’s the case. (And if it is, you might want to steer clear of the dinner party.) And either way, make a DECISION.
TWO:
If you’ve decided that you want to allow the affair to recede into the past, start to give yourself some dedicated time and space to grieve the end of the affair. If your emotions are still intense and overwhelming, you’ve got to let yourself feel those feelings if you want to be free of them. Attempting to ignore them or avoid them isn’t a solution. Carve out some private time and space to feel your hurt and anger and lingering longing and whatever else you’re feeling. If you don’t know how to deliberately allow yourself to feel your most uncomfortable feelings, get help. (You may want to check out this episode of my podcast, which talks about privately grieving the end of an affair.)
THREE:
Start to think about your former affair partner in a way that befits the relationship you want to have with them now. If you want to act as if they are not someone you recently ended a passionate affair with, it will not help you to think things like, “Oh my god, I had the best sex of my life with that person, and I can’t believe we’re never going to do that with each other again.” It will not help you to think things like, “I could be okay with the affair being over as long as things hadn’t ended the way they did.” It will not help you to think things like, “I think they really did know me better than my spouse ever has or ever will.” No. Thinking this way will not help you relate to them in a neutral manner.
If you want to relate to your former affair partner in a neutral manner — i.e., as someone other than an ex-affair partner — it will behoove you to think about features of who they are, or features of your relationship with them that have nothing to do with your affair. For instance, if you think, “Oh, there’s that interesting person I see at dinner parties sometimes, who always wears great shoes, but knows nothing about wine,” that thought will create a very different feeling state for you than thinking, “Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m in the same room with this person, pretending like nothing ever happened between us” will create.
Your emotions are created by your thinking — and your emotional state gives you the capacity and propensity to behave in certain ways, or refrain from behaving in certain ways. If you’re willing and able to manage your thinking about your former affair partner, your feelings will follow suit. And when our emotions feel reasonably manageable to us, we’re much more able to behave in ways that we consider appropriate in a given situation.
Thinking about your former affair partner as anything other than your former affair partner may take some EFFORT. You may be used to thinking about them in a particular way, and intentionally thinking about them in a different way may be a bit of a project. But if you want to begin to put the affair behind you, this may be a project that’s worth your energy. On the other hand, if you really don’t feel ready to do think about your former affair partner differently, then you may be better served by avoiding the dinner party and giving yourself more time to grieve the end of the relationship — or perhaps, making different choices about your relationships.
FOUR:
Consider checking in with your former affair partner to clear the air, and talk about your intentions for moving forward — or at least, getting through the upcoming dinner party without incident. If it doesn’t make sense within the context of your situation to do this, that doesn’t have to be a problem — you can keep calm and carry on at the dinner party, even if you aren’t exactly sure what to expect from your ex (and who knows, they might find a way to not attend the dinner themselves). But a quick check-in with them might help you make it through the evening with greater confidence and ease (and it doesn’t have to lead the rekindling of your relationship).
