Cockblock Champ Wins By TKO!
A Total Eclipse of the Moon
I had everything locked up. My preparations were masterful. I was seeing moves, two, three, four steps ahead of everything. You name the possible issues that could’ve come up; I had it covered.
I was the Motherfucking Jake from State Farm of Adultery.
Work Excuse? Covered
Spouse Excuse? Covered
Home Excuse? Covered
Dog Walker Excuse? Covered
DayUse Hotel Room? Covered
Driving Routine? Covered
Like a Good Neighbor…
I even had the Neighbor covered.
Texted them they may see a strange car in the driveway; it was the dog walker and not to worry. I’m on it.
Work Excuse- This took care of itself without me even having to do anything. I had planned on heading to the Office on Monday and Tuesday while also “taking the morning off on Wednesday to go find some home tests.”
Did I use lack of Home Testing as an excuse to get laid?
You’re goddamn right I did.
Did you read the letter to my penis? This is serious business.
My job threw me a curveball and shut the office down for the week. With the rise in cases in the area, that made perfect sense. But, remember, I still needed to “find some home tests.” That excuse didn’t have to go away just because I couldn’t be there in person.
When doing this kind of thing, you have to pay attention to when opportunities like that arise. It’s not necessarily a lie. I am going to find some Home Tests this week. I’ll find them on Amazon. Get them delivered. My job doesn’t need to know the “How?”
Spouse Excuse- I covered this with “A meeting on Wednesday I need to go in for, super important, and they just need me there.” Not the first time; even before Covid, I would have to go in for a meeting now and then. No suspicion, it’s routine, and frankly, she doesn’t pay any attention to me anyway.
If she did pay attention to me, I wouldn’t need to do any of this.
This is my Dark Passenger.
Dog Walker Excuse- Anytime I go to the office, I send in the Dog Walker. This is the routine. If you’re planning something like this, it’s essential to understand that it causes attention when habits break. Attention gets you fielding questions.
Questions you know damn well you don’t have answers to.
So stick to the routine. Follow the Code.
DayUse Hotel Room- Months ago, I had already made my way around the DayUse website. I thought it was important to understand where these hotels were located and where the parking lots were concerning the roads. Google Maps Street View is the tool that let me look around a little at the surrounding area. Figure out what stores are nearby, and does anyone I know do any shopping in those locations. Would they be around when I would be around?
I also wanted to get a feel for how the site was. What info DayUse would take, cancellation policy, payment policy, etc. I learned they have time slots, and sometimes they even have three slots on the same day. In my earlier visit to the site, I entered all my info up to confirmation and deleted it.
A few minutes of early preparation never hurt anyone.
Driving Routine- If my Spouse thinks I’m going in for a meeting, I have to leave the house around the same time I always would. Remember, Routine. But now I have the question of “What do I do from when I leave until I get to the fucking?” That’s tricky because I usually leave early, and unless there’s another AP out there who’s an early riser, I got some time on my hands.
However, I already knew they had early slots due to my earlier preparation for the Hotel. And because I told my office that I would be “looking for tests that morning,” I still could log on and do some work before my date arrived. Then log off, yadda yadda yadda, I’m back at my desk by 1 pm with a pussy eating grin on my face.
Sounds like a good plan, right?
Got everything covered, right?
Motherfucking Jake from State Farm.
There’s one thing Jake can’t protect me from.
The Two-Time, Reigning, Defending, Cockblock Champion!
Fucking Covid
Moon Man
