Unraveling an Affair’s Secrets
Trust and deception between cheaters
I’ve always believed that every relationship, no matter how unconventional, is built on some level of trust. But what happens when unexpected revelations shake what trust you have? This story might sound all too familiar to some of you if you’ve been cheating for more than 20 minutes.
In September, a cheater met a man on Ashley Madison. So your typical married-to-someone-else-boy meets married-to-someone-else-girl faerytale.
They hit it off from the start. He seemed kind of upfront, and they shared some of the good old chemistry. After a few coffee dates, they took their relationship to the next level and that was pretty great.
Everything seemed perfect, or so she thought.
One day, as they were spending time together, she saw his work computer. The name displayed was not the one he had given her. Curiosity got the better of her, and she decided to do a little online sleuthing. To her surprise (but not to mine), not only had he given her a false name (shocking), but their social circles also overlapped (not ideal). And if that wasn’t enough, his online persona painted a picture of a religiously devout family man.
“I thought I knew him,” she confided in me. “But now, I’m not so sure.”
She wasn’t alone in her feelings. The choir had a lot to say. “In some ways, you need to be more forthcoming with your affair partner than anyone else in your life,” said one cheater. “Just makes me wonder what else people are hiding.”
But we know why people hide their true identities, right? For some, it’s a matter of self-preservation. “He is just keeping these two worlds apart and doesn’t want them to mix up,” suggested another. Others believed it’s a matter of trust. “Withholding your name, in the beginning, is absolutely normal,” says one. “We’re all taking risks here, if you’re not ready for that then you’re not ready for me.”
Yet, for many, the deception was hard to take. “Lying about the basics is just a no from me,” someone commented. “I can just about get on board as to why some people do it, but those people wouldn’t be for me.” I can see her book now, Ethical Cheating: Truthfulness during your affair.
The religious aspect adds another layer of complexity for some. “The religious people seem to lie the most. After years of this, they’ve developed the ability to lie with impunity.” Maybe so, I thought, reading that.
So, what should she do when faced with the surprise? Some suggested she bring it up. “Start a conversation about transparency,” advised one. Others believe in taking a step back and reevaluating the relationship. “If he’s nonplussed by it, then maybe the intimacy intensifies; or maybe it rattles him and things end.”
For me, the idea of being with someone who believed in imaginary friends to the point they were praising jeebus on the facebooks would be too much. Not because he was a hypocrite but because of how stupid it is.
But I’m not on their facebooks, so I'd be fine as long as I’m not getting a sermon while taking care of the Bishop. And that’s not even true. I’ve met more than a few priests I’ve had impure thoughts about, and think about how hot that would be…but I digress.
All I would tell my god fearin’ friend is, “keepeth your jeepus outteth of the beddethroom, lest ye do not wisheth I raiseth youreth cocketh fromst the dead.”
Takeaway
What am I really thinking? Well, cheaters lie, so it’s hardly surprising he’d not use his real name. How long does that go on for? That’s up to him. She’d said they were sexually compatible, so it’s hard to think a Fred who becomes a Joe would be incompatible. My advice is to let it ride as long as you’re getting what you want, but keep his identity in your back pocket.
Why?
If he gets ideas that are incompatible with you keeping your marriage, you’ve got some leverage on him. I preach mutually assured destruction as the insurance that keeps things from getting out of hand. But other than that, if he makes your lady bits tingle, then who cares what his wife (who isn’t you) calls him?
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023
