What’s It Like Having a Long-Term Affair?
Stories from cheaters who’ve lasted over two years
My lover and I celebrated the 5th Anniversary of our affair at the beginning of September. We connected on Ashley Madison a week or so after I joined up. I was at a low point that summer, but being on AM and having so many men interested in me picked up my spirits.
When you go years without hearing a single positive thing about your looks while fed a steady diet of low-grade negativity, you eventually start to believe it. You feel insecure and find it difficult to show yourself in a way that would invite more criticism.
So having men flood my inbox was so welcomed. I can’t really describe how good those words felt after I exposed myself to those anonymous men. But among them, one man stood apart. His words lit me on fire.
I was desperate to meet him and wasn’t disappointed when I did, and we’re still together after five years. Though I went with a few others in those first few months, my thoughts always returned to him, and I compared the men I met to him. By the following summer we were exclusive and have been ever since (except for last summer when I did things).
All that got me thinking about other people in long-term affairs and what they were doing to keep it going.
Eight years and going strong
Sarah shared her story, saying, “Been with my AP for almost 8 years. No fussing, bickering, or breakups. I believe this is the man I was supposed to be with all my life.” Like me me, she seems to have found her perfect match, and her experience shows that sometimes, things just click and stay that way.
But not everyone’s experience is like Sarah’s, of course.
Fading after 13
Emily revealed, “13 years here. There was a 2-year break due to health problems on his side. Tried reigniting but I just wasn’t feeling it. That’s actually an understatement, I was repulsed by him sexually and physically, even though things were still amicable between us.” Sometimes love fades away in affairs, just like marriage, and there’s not much you can do about it.
Surviving on breadcrumbs for 10 years
Janet had a unique experience, “I was in one for more than 10 years, but it was on and off because they would occasionally ghost for 6 months to a year or more, and even when we were ‘on,’ I frequently only got breadcrumbs. I finally decided it was time to move on.” Janet’s story shows that even if you’ve been together for a long time, it doesn’t mean things will always be smooth. Keeping it hot is hard, and staying connected is the best way to do that.
Hot & cold then frozen by guilt after 5 years
Lisa revealed, “My ex was hot and cold for the first few years then the hot and cold stopped because he felt guilty. Then we got caught after 5 years. It’s been a year since being caught. That was it for us — he wants to work on his marriage.” She added, “Even if he came back now, the pain he put me through in the last year, I don’t know if I could go back.”
Guilt. Yup, it's a thing, and it can be a game-changer if you let it.
The guilt comes and goes after 3 years
Amanda added, “Mine is going on 3 years now. For me, there are periods of feeling guilty and pushing him away, he instantly recognizes these and tells me to cut it out, that he isn’t going anywhere.” It’s a rollercoaster of emotional ups and downs, and it happens to me sometimes, but I’m usually the one who tells myself to cut it out.
Usually, it’s hubby’s mouth that helps me get back on track. He has this way of not so subtly reminding me why I’m sleeping with another man.
Eight and done…
John, who was in an eight-year affair, had a different take. He said, “8 years here — No problems until she ended it.” I know things can change really fast but going long term has also shown me that we can work through our little bumps because we both know why we’re here.
Coming back for the support
Karen shared, “I’ve initiated two breaks. The first was because I didn’t ever expect to have feelings for him and I needed to cool myself down. The second break was 18 months ago and I initiated it because I felt overwhelmed by COVID, family, homeschool, life in general.”
She added, “It lasted 3 days maybe? Idk, he showed me that the type of emotional support I need is possible as he wouldn’t let me run away and insisted that I talk to him about what was going on.”
And this is where we are. Neither of our lives at home are that great and it’s nice to have someone out there who understands me. After five years I’d say he understands me better than my husband does, and I like that.
I have a spouse, not two, thanks
Nancy added, “Oh man, I am actually in the midst of trying to break off with my AP [affair partner]. We both are married and it had gone on for 4 years. But somehow rather I think he has confused himself that he is my SO by constantly making demands like he is one.”
She continued, “Last straw was him giving me an ultimatum when one time we went out for lunch but I refused to drive him home for sex. That was really it.”
I’m not sure I’d be happy with that sort of relationship, but I don’t have one. We do feel accountable to each other, though, and that’s fine. There have been no demands though, and we both need to agree with what we’re doing if it’s something unusual, like meeting another couple.
Needing more after 10 years
Paul shared, “I had an AP for 10+ years. It ended when she decided she needed more than I could give and found her true love life partner…That split was over 10 years ago, and I still miss her.”
I know I’d feel it for a long time. It’s nice to have someone who gets you and if they move on, well, there’s not much you can do, but miss them, I suppose. The other thing it would do is remind me where I am and how stuck I feel.
Too good to give up, even after marriage
Tina had an interesting story, “Been 6 years. 2 years on. I got married. He was married. Wanted to be proper with my marriage. 3 years apart. Now been back together for a year.”
I understand Tina. Taking a break to focus on a marriage makes sense, but finding her way back to her special friend also makes sense to me. These relationships ebb and flow but I think if you’re the single ‘other woman’ you’d at some point want your own life. But does that mean giving up on the love of an affair partner? I don’t think you have to.
The break-up/make-up cycle
Jane found herself in a cycle of breaking up and making up. She said, “Had one for 6 years. Broke up annually. Sometimes for a few weeks or days, others for a couple of months.”
It’s like they’re caught in a loop, unable to fully commit or walk away. The emotional tug-of-war can be just as intense in an affair as it is in any other relationship.
Takeaways
We’ve had rocky patches in our five years, but we’ve never broken up. We talked and made it through and that’s what’s made what we have strong. Could it all change? I’m sure it could because I can’t know what the future holds, but I’m very happy with what we have and can’t see having the same thing with anyone else.
But it’s a mixed bag, for sure. From finding your soulmate in an unexpected place to losing attraction over time, from guilt trips to emotional rollercoasters, and from sudden endings to never-ending cycles — long-term affairs are a mixed bag of highs and lows.
But one thing’s certain, affairs are never dull. I think having mixed feelings is normal as you progress. You might feel love, guilt, or even confusion and then run through them again, but if you want it, don’t let the emotions rule you.
I’m probably lucky with my lover, because we are able to talk through our issues and remember why we’re together. We were lucky to have found each other and luckier still to have kept it going this long.
Note — these stories are from r/adultery, but I decided to give the people names to write this piece in a more conversational style. Lemme know if you like this approach or not :-)
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2023
