Why Does Ashley Madison Suspend Women’s Accounts?
A look at how our favorite cheating site “keeps people safe”
About a month ago, I was chatting with a local lady using my boy account on AM. I don’t normally chat with anyone using that account, but I saw she was looking to add someone for a threesome, so I half-jokingly asked if she’d consider a foursome to do a wife swap sort of thing with my affair partner (AP) and I.
My slutty summer doesn’t just involve me, as I’m trying to rope my AP in to have more fun (for me).
We chatted for a bit as we got comfortable with each other, and she seemed game to try it. As we all know, AM’s chat function is a little clunky, so once you’re chatting, it’s easier to move to a more functional chat app, like the millions out there —
- Kik — now a pain in the ass because of the ads
- Telegram — can secure it
- Wickr Me — can secure it
- Google Chat — not bad but not many talk about it
- Whats App — fine if you don’t mind them seeing your phone number
- Words With Friend — yup
- Facebook Messenger — and become a friend recommendation
- Text — if you are comfy with them knowing your number
- Email — clunky, but you already have email on your phone so easy to hide
- or whatever else floats your boat
The first time I noticed it
The chat was going well, so Little Ms. 4Sum then suggested we move to Wickr Me and messaged me her handle.
Then, I actually watched it in real-time as our conversation thread, and her profile disappeared. I’d never seen anything like it. I’ve seen accounts disappear and always assumed they were fraudulent, but I’d never been in the conversation as it evaporated! It happened in less than 30 seconds.
Fortunately, her username was similar enough to her AM handle that I was able to meet her on Wickr Me to ask her what happened. That’s when I discovered she’d been suspended. I thought that was strange but sort of put it aside.
We’ve since gone out for dinner but haven’t had a chance to do more yet.
Second time I’d heard it
Then a few weeks later, I was chatting with a lady, Cute_Profile, whom I’d met on AM while working with a client. Long story short, I thought the two profiles next to hers were fraudulent, and when I checked hers to see if she was part of it, I noticed she had a cool profile, so I commented on it!
As we chatted, we somehow got on the topic, and she said it had happened to her as well. So I told her I’d look into it and maybe write an article.
Turning to Reddit’s r/adultery
As I sometimes do, I rely on the wisdom of the crowd to help and who better than the 128,000 subscribers to r/adultery?
I asked —
Any ladies get suspended from AM for sharing contact info? And elaborated, having an account issue and wondered if it was normal.
Here’s what they came back with —
Female Redditor — I got suspended once for mentioning Kik in a message.
Female Redditor — Yes all the time! I now abbreviate for example tg or k I k
Female Redditor — I get suspended from AM all the time. I give up trying to find the reason. I just create a new account and go on. The most I have lasted is 3mths.
Female Redditor — Same. It’s totally random, one day you just find yourself locked out and have to fire up a new account
Female Redditor — I was banned for sharing Kik and telegram info. Had to promise not to do it again. But I’m off AM anyway. Too much work for little return.
Female Redditor — Makes sense why my acct gets suspended. However, why not the first time I share it. Why the xx number of time? They are not consistent!
Female Redditor — It think the system looks for a pattern. Just type k I k. And te l e gr am. Any anyway kik sucks. Just use telegram.
Female Redditor — Never and I’ve done it a ton of times.
It seemed to me this was common as seven of eight commenters had had an issue with it. Does this suggest it’s widespread? I don’t think so, but it happens enough for people to notice.
The simple fix of course is to hide your app user names within the message like some of the ladies mention above —
Indirect references or space it out —
- Cute_Profile wrote the anagram with Kay
- you could say kick me at xyz
- space out the letters K I K
- tel-e-gram
Spell it out or send a series of message with the contact info —
- sad dot girl at gee male dot com
- send me a
- tele
- gram
- at
- sadgirl
- 123
Another option would be to ask him to share his, as the boys don’t seem to have this problem (as far as I know).
These sort of tricks will work because they aren’t using people to detect the contact info, and the AI isn’t sophisticated enough to see what’s happening (yet).
Going back to Cute_Profile
A few days later, I went back to Cute_Profile and asked her when it had happened to her. She’d said it had happened a couple of times, so I wondered when it happened in the conversation. Was it the beginning, so the first 24 hours, a couple of days, or what? She helpfully forwarded me a copy of the email she received from AM and wrote —
Hi! I believe it happens at the get-go. I accidentally gave out my e mail too soon (in a cryptic way as well, which is odd) and then couldn’t login.
Had to write an appeal apologizing saying I wouldn’t do it again. The next time it happened I just wrote directly to them saying I did it too soon blah blah
Read below, what’s your takeaway?
Notice that she said she sent her email in a cryptic way, so that might not always work either!
Oddly, she was able to email me because I’d sent her my email address. Now, I was using my boy account, so that might be why I didn’t get suspended. Or, I just got lucky.
Who the hell knows?
AM’s reasoning for suspending accounts
When she contacted AM asking why the suspended her, Cute_Profile got back from them—
Dear Member,
Thank you for contacting us.
From time to time we manually review our members’ profiles in order to ensure their authenticity and to make sure there is no violation of our Terms of Service.
Your profile recently came up for a review and has been suspended due to a certain activity pattern — redirecting, i.e excessive sharing of your personal information such as phone number, KIK, Skype, email etc.
For security reasons, we suggest to our members to remain on our site and to use the mail or instant messaging feature to communicate with other members. Building a comfort level with the other party before sharing any personal information to be contacted off the site is highly recommended.
Please note that upon registering a profile on Ashley Madison you agreed with our Terms and Conditions which expressly states: You agree not to post or submit any content that contains any identifiable personal contact information (other than for purposes of registration for the Service).
We have now reviewed and reinstated your account. However, please note that in order to avoid the suspension of your profile in the future, it is necessary to comply with the above policies.
Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any further concerns.
Sincerely,
Customer Service
I’m not sure what to make of that. Their chat app sucks, and they surely know that because it hasn’t changed in the four years I’ve been on AM.
Two things stand out from the above —
1. Too soon
Building a comfort level with the other party before sharing any personal information to be contacted off the site is highly recommended.
This suggests there is a time period in a chat they focus on, and Cute_profile also mentions in her email above.
2. Cover our ass
You agree not to post or submit any content that contains any identifiable personal contact information
When I read this I see a ‘cover your ass statement.’ If a woman gets in trouble because of a bad date and it’s discovered she shared her personal information, she’s in violation of her user agreement. If she violates the agreement, then AM is absolved of responsibility for anything that happnes after that.
Is simply having the user agreement enough though? Maybe, but demonstrating that they shut down accounts regularly from people who violate the agreement demonstrates they enforce it. That lends them credibility to claim —
“We weren’t responsible for this unfortunate incident, she was.”
Most companies only do things to protect themselves. This includes protecting themselves from their client’s actions that lead to harm. I doubt they are being forced to do this, but good lawyerly advice will always say to disassociate your company from the potentially harmful experiences users might have using your service.
Remember, this is never about you, and never has been.
What about the men?
I don’t know, but I have a theory.
With credits costing up to $0.47 each, a guy could lose $6.58 by sending a priority message to a scammer’s account.
I am refunded when I message a scammer account on my boy’s profile — only the nine credits of the initial message, though, but not the five priority credits.
Takeaway
If you share your personal details as a woman there’s a chance your account could be suspended. AM will reactivate it if you ask, but you have to suck up and promise to be good in the future. Or you can just make a new account.
So, by all means risk it, but take some additional steps to hide your app’s name and username. AM might still detect you, but if you camoflage it up a little you’ll likely get through.
Pro Tip — My one security tip here is don’t use the exact same AM (or dating app) user name on your chat apps. You don’t want the douche you just blocked trying to find you on common chat apps or gmail by plugging in your username.
Do you want more AM tips? Check them out here —
Married dating support for men!
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2022
