A Big Mac With a Side of Balloons Please

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If you’re like many Americans, you keep a close watch for natural ways to stay healthy without actually having to eat healthy food. So I probably don’t need to tell you about the latest innovation in weight loss that could someday replace the traditional procedure that involves hacking most of your stomach out with a paring knife. This new procedure is much more natural, and involves swallowing a capsule that contains a balloon that is then inflated with gas through a catheter. The idea is that the inflated balloon takes up space in your stomach, making you feel full, without having to fill up your stomach with something ridiculous like a fruit salad.

Evidence of the natural qualities of this method can be seen throughout the animal kingdom, by which I mean domesticated dogs, who instinctively know the beneficial effects of eating balloons. Any parent who has thrown a children’s birthday party can attest to this. Watching Fluffy pinch out multicolored, semi-inflated balloons eclipses anything you could buy at Party City.

The exciting thing is that this technology is still in its infancy, and applications for therapeutic balloon consumption are not limited to weight loss and children’s parties. I can envision a day when all the nutrients we need to survive can be chemically infused into the balloon material, allowing us to bypass the whole eating process completely. For those who may still want to participate in recreational eating, future high-tech balloons could be equipped with sensors that cause them to inflate at precisely the right time, and in a triumph of natural portion control, stop in your tracks just as you are about to open that second tub of Velveeta.

And I’m sure the military will be all over this technology, particularly the marines, who could tweak the mechanism of inflation to allow soldiers to trip a switch and instantly transform themselves into human life rafts.

The only downside I can foresee is that it may have a short term detrimental effect on the US economy, which is also known as “the fast food industry”. While a decrease in cheeseburger consumption is a real concern, I believe it will be offset by the enormous opportunities that will open up in the edible balloon industry, including the re-design and manufacture of toilets and sewer systems.

Yes, our future looks brighter than ever.

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