Dept. of FML Engineering

Disclaimer- This is a creative piece of fiction with no intention to malign, defame, or criticize any body or organization. The piece doesn’t intend to be a factual or perfectly accurate account of any events or happenings occurring in the real world. It is best viewed as the rants and frustrations of college students during the pandemic.

The Garlic, disgusted by how mundane the year has been, decides to report the happenings at an academic institute in an alternate universe.

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To help students deal with the exhaustion of the online semesters, the said institute has decided to open a new department — The Department of FML Engineering, that offers courses for credits to instruct students on how to deal with such issues. The courses offered are explicitly engineered to simulate the stresses of corporate and student life, including but not limited to FML10001- Mental health is a hoax, FML20001- You do NOT matter, and FML20003-Positivity is not a thing but you need to have it at all costs. The courses could be taken as additionals/breadths. Furthermore, there are rumors that the unit handling intern recruitments have been informed by companies hiring for SDE and Consulting profiles, that the courses FML30001 — How to slog your ass off, and FML30002 — How to make billionaires richer would be listed on the eligibility criteria for students who wish to appear for these profiles. A grade of nothing less than “EX” is recommended.

We got in touch with a senior professor who is one of the pioneers of this bold move. The said professor is the course instructor for FML20013 — Journal Writing for the weak. This course is currently offered in the F slot — timed from 6:00 to 7:00 in the morning. It includes a laboratory component as well, where students sit and physically write down their feelings in a journal, which is then criticized in group discussions, to confirm the fact that journals do NOT in fact make you feel better. Every class ends with submitting an assignment that consists of one question picked from a set of carefully curated tasks. Every student is required to answer their assigned question with significant detail. . We did some investigation to gain an insight into the pattern of the questions, and here are a few from the sample provided -

a) If student A has 24 credits per semester and student B has 30 credits, comment on each student’s ability to cope with the online semester.

b) If student A works on a better internet speed than student B, comment on the likelihood of the Moodle Server crashing for each student while attempting a test during terrible weather conditions at their residences. Contact CIC, if any additional information is required.

c) If a student ɑ has 5 PoRs, and 5 internships displayed on his CV, and another student 𝛃 has 4 PoRs and 6 internships on his CV, comment on the prospects of each student securing an internship at companies that recruit during the first week of the internship drive. Further information to help answer this question has been rescinded to comply with CDC norms.

d) Define a multivariate function F, which takes in real-valued input parameters S, H, F, L, ranging from 0 to 1 (inclusive) and a binary bit T where,

• S denotes sensitivity to screens
• H denotes the amount of discomfort a student associates with their home environment
• F denotes how dependent a student is on their friends
• L denotes the need of a student to perform experiments and work in laboratories for their holistic education and T denotes the time at which the function output is desired.

The function F is defined to evaluate the inputted parameterized student’s ability to handle mental exhaustion.

T = 0 implies September, 2020

T = 1 implies April, 2021

T = 2 implies August, 2021

Given a dataset of 1800 students with their parameters and corresponding F values (T restricted to 0 and 1), model an appropriate mathematical function F.

Using this, find the F values using your own model for 200 additional students and T = 2. You will be given credit at the end of the semester in November when we test the accuracy of your model against the hidden F values of these 200 students.

e) If x denotes the number of ventilators, and y denotes the number of trained doctors at a particular hospital during a deadly pandemic, comment on the need to increase/decrease the values of x and y at the hospital, 2 years later. Do you think the hospital took proactive steps to overcome the above-mentioned limitation?

Besides these assignments, when disseminated through the virtual model, the professor says it’s compulsory for every student attending the course to turn on their cameras and microphones, regardless of the quality of internet connection at home.

“I would love to see their exhausted faces early in the morning. It makes my classes more interactive and helps me teach better. About the problems they might face while having to turn on their cameras, I think any student who claims to be a distinguished alumnus having taken courses from the Department of FML Engineering should be able to deal with such issues on their own”

To make the Department more accessible to students when they return to campus (if they ever will), The Department of FML Engineering is situated separately from the main cluster of academic buildings, near the residential complexes. It stands like a grey concrete monument, meant to symbolize that “You’ll always end up alone no matter how hard you try”, and that “Your job is honestly just a distraction from your pathetic life”. The entrance is decorated with the department logo, which captures its quintessential essence rather succinctly, reading, “We put the labor in laboratories.”

The Department also proposes to offer a full-fledged BTech in Mental Health Engineering and an optional interdisciplinary specialization in Exhaustion Management. Students are to be admitted through a nationwide Multiple Chaotic Questionnaire (MCQ) based examinations, with cut-offs expected to peak at AIR 100. Admissions start this fall.