Man VS KGP Mess: Gordon Ramsay
“For what we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly not vomit.”
With lizards and various insects arriving on the menu of the “halls of residence”, the news was now a national headline. I had just got the news that Discovery Channel was interested in shooting an episode of “Kitchen Nightmares meets Man Vs Wild”, and if I were lucky, I would be able to meet one of the two hosts. So, I set out to follow the crew a perfect chance to get some “A” quality content. I arrived at the perfect time to see the horrified look on Chef Ramsay’s Face. “What abomination is this?”, his voice echoed through the empty dining room of the hall. Now, if this were an English speaking part of the world, people would have cared, but this was WB. The cooks continued, and Chef’s expression turned from surprise to horror. “I have been to many places where hygiene standards are low, but this is bloody horrific. If I were a lizard, I would have been trying to escape from whatever these people were making.” I was listening to all this quietly from the corner, wondering if this was the place where Gordon would finally give up. But the look on his face said that he was ready to take on this challenge, and the look on the producer’s face indicated they had golden content.
Now this sudden visit was not a secret anymore. Officials and students were already thronging the mess area. I saw this as closing off my window of opportunity to get an exclusive statement. Chef Ramsay readily accepted, and I asked him how he planned to tackle the issue as it was typically different than the usual restaurant ones. He replied “This is just basic stuff, Do Not make people eat insects that are not mentioned in the menu. I will…” He was interrupted. A cat chased by a dog barged into the kitchen. “This is fucking great. “Firstly, they presented me with a bald and rather smart looking gentleman when I asked for dosa, and then they had the audacity to tell me that that person was dosa. Racist pricks think a white man does not know what a Dosa is. Idiot sandwiches, the lot of you. You are all students here, right? How often do you fall sick?”. Before I could reply, officials surrounded him, and some loud and explicit words were heard.
As the party of two exited the dining hall, I was close enough to hear Gordon saying, “I can’t help if they don’t accept they are wrong, but hell this would have been the best episode of Kitchen Nightmares, mate.” His companion nodded in agreement. I stood there just seeing this unfold before me when I heard Gordon shriek. I was later informed that it was because he had spotted the rival cat and dog from before, now reconciled and both making a four-course meal out of their (respective) bottoms. In fact, Gordon apparently got bit by the bitch when he tried to teach her the appropriate way to use tongue. I also heard that he was pleasantly surprised when the doctor at BCRTH had recommended him a “miracle pill” (their words, supposedly) — Paracetamol- to treat the bite. “What lovely folks! I was worried I had to take Tetanus shots, but then this wonder pill does the trick. Not bad, innit?”
While browsing through the news feed after class, I could see a grand looking official post: ” World Famous Chef visits, impressed with students’ dedication and quality of research going on …..” I smirked, thinking about the sort of profanity I would have heard had he actually tasted the food and how impressed he would have been with the students then. Anyway, I decided to pen this down, so the truth is there for everyone to see and not some fantasy story I cooked up to pass the time during the virus break. Waiting for the time till someone famous again visits the city, till then adios!
