Orange meets Potatoes: Trump witnesses KGP elections
“GREATEST ELECTION FRAUD IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY” sending out this tweet even after Scavino(my political advisor) counselled me not to. Madlad said it would be troublesome. I proceeded to get sloshed over the complimentary cabin drinks while we made our way to IIT Kharagpur. We were to witness their elections, the roar hype created around it had me intrigued on these overcast elections. At least this should be more democratic and fairer than the one America had right? I look outside my cabin window and god this place is huge(imitating my signature hand movement). Imagine how fun building a wall around this place would be, I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me. God, this is going to be the best game of Jenga ever. The landing took time because the captain kept hovering around in confusion at encountering three Helipads cheek by jowl.
I’m welcomed by a bunch of geeky teenagers and stuffy weather, cuss my orange glow on my forehead must be back, shoot. Irk, the ride from the helipad to the guest house was potholed, the tiny trailer of the BBC Documentary on “The Deadliest Roads of India”, even my flabby built body got thrown around like confetti. We pass by the maze labyrinth building they called Nalanda, geez I should invite Kim Jong(Little Rocket Man) for a game of hide-and-seek at this place, we could bring out our nuclear weapons, we would have a blast. On our way, we pass by groups of kids shouting gibberish slogans, which low-key looked like an ape protest.
Finally, we reach the guest house. It has been 18 mins, and I haven’t thrown a temper tantrum yet, so I choose to vent it out on the food we were offered. This unpalatable food is much worse than the American school lunches Michelle Obama rallied about. Finally, it’s time for us to move out for the fabled VP SOAPBOX. I put on my resting bitch face as I do in most of my UN meetings. The event started with a Statement of Purpose that had people shouting the word tempo with what seemed like some former Indian leaders’ names randomly thrown in. My translator helped me here where he pointed out that the names are associated with the halls each candidate represents and that this terrible cacophony is called Tempo shouts. Of course, none of that made sense to me, but these shouts seemed like the kind of music my boy Kanye West would make. I remembered to press F for him in our discord group, so I did that while the beats around me intensified.
The puff created around this VP SoP made it seem more entertaining than my presidential debate. Seeing no female VP nominees most definitely appealed to my rightist ideology, but boy would Hillary and Kamala be flustered. The panelists spent over twenty minutes dismantling the candidate’s introduction. They seemed to be debating over a witty point of him placing the word, Department, incorrectly. It looked like the final episode of America’s Nightmare. No one agreed they have crass answers to the terrible questions posed. For instance, The candidate was asked how he shall ensure clean drinking water in the halls given that many students are getting sick. The candidate replies- We have the best water so clean you can almost drink it. We have the best dirt so clean you can almost drink it. Before he could continue his sad illogical chorus, his voice gets surfaced under the tempo shouts. With students hooting, I could barely hear the answer. Was this the actual purpose of having such a large crowd? I mean, all this candidate has to do is sigh heavily, the audience goes bonkers. I ask my strategist to note this down. Hiring people to shout seems to answer everything! The response to the pathetic mess food situation sounded just like my answer to me being immune to covid. The panelist moves onto the next topics reminding each candidate that it’s important not to provide specific answers but instead attack each other’s achievements like kids brawling over a pudding cup. The only lacking thing is an iconic fly sitting on someone’s head.
We move towards the end of this reality show with the final question posed, if you are elected how would you make this university great again, one gentleman starts off, “I would say we have seen great progress and if you give me some more time to collect the final infinity stone, I would snap my fingers and make this place great again, by turning the potatoes in mess biryani to dust”. That’s it. All hell broke loose. The bosh slogans getting louder, kids getting sudden sugar rush, which is strange given they all look starved, vandalisation starts. I’m advised to run before I get a bloody nose- Now would be the right time to run away to Mexico, ain’t it Sir? yelled Scavino.
