Three Men in a Coat (To say Nothing of the Dog)
A long time ago (in dog years) in an IIT far far away (from humans) there was a period of civil war. Rebel planet-halls, striking from TOAT, had won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans for the Empire’s ultimate weapon, The Supreme Galaxy elections, an entity with enough power to destroy the entire campus peace by piece.
The rebel alliance’s hopes rest in the paws of our hero, moulded by the streets, Candy Dogwalker. Candy never wanted to be a hero. She was sent away, an outcast. Soon after birth she quickly realised her people didn’t treat her equally and was adopted into her Planet Hall. Here she embodied the unwritten rules of her masters — infrequent showers, sleeping at the break of dawn, and eating anything her tiny little paws can reach in the dead silence of the night. She was one of them now in mind and spirit.
One fine lazy afternoon, she was woken up by the repeated jingle of her roommate’s phone. With a grumpy growl and curious intent she came face to face with it and what she saw made her drool. Multiple photos of people dressed up like white, juicy bones were flooding her phone with smiles that look fake and words that did not make sense. Her caretaker walked in on this and thought of something that would change the entire course of the galaxy and Candy's life — to make her the face of the universe that would take down the galactic empire. This would work perfectly as there has and might never be a candi like Candy. She’s pure at heart and has had people love her the second they meet her. It was a recipe for success! With this, her campaign began.
As tradition goes, she was groomed by the Planet President and the Super Sexy Mandalorian to walk, talk and speak like a formidable candi. This was easier said than done mainly because Candy had no idea what was going on. You see, candy didn’t want to be the face of the galaxy, in fact, she couldn’t comprehend how big and complicated the galaxy was. She was persuaded by her caretakers to BE the face of the galaxy. Though to the masses, her reluctance was a breath of fresh air in the face of all the entitled spam they had been receiving from other planets.
Her publicity came at no cost of her own energy, people voluntarily took photos with her as she went about her day gnawing on the footwear of her enemies. They even went to great lengths to make her presence felt throughout the galaxy. Radio messages encrypted with countless hashtags zipped through dead space with the following message “#I_support_Candy, #Candy_for_VicePupper, #Candy_for_better_galaxy, #Candy_for_change, #Candy_is_the_right_choice”.
Candy had 3 ideas she came up with after years of research to use as weapons to win the elections:
- Cute Doggo Cosy [CDC] Companion — the ability to access free doggos for any lonely wanderer
- KGP Lunchpad — Give excess food to the friendly neighbourhood doggos.
- Low-Cat Kgp — Reduce the scummy cat population in KGP by flagging the locations of these cheap clones and sending them out of campus thereafter.
With the election now approaching fast, she was forced into a stuffy suit and paraded around planets like a circus animal followed by an entourage of overenthusiastic humans muttering something about tempo, taking her to different rooms making her talk extempore. All this, though taxing, Candy could bear. What she truly dreaded was the upcoming SOAPBOX. You see, Candy hated soap and the thought of the frothy nightmare awaiting her was almost too much.
When the dreaded day finally arrived, she was surprised to see the other candidates in suits again and wondered how they would take a bath in that.
But, soon it became clear to her the SOAPBOX had nothing to do with soap and was just weirdly named like everything else in this god-forsaken galaxy in a pathetic effort to sound cool.
With her newfound confidence, she strode forward for her speech and boy what a speech it was. The crowd were blown away by her simplicity and straightforwardness. People started shouting and crying. The verdict seemed all but unanimous.
In the end, though, she didn’t win, for Candy was just a dog. While the others plotted behind her back and made pacts, all she had to offer was a few spare bones and her wholehearted love to everyone and sadly that is never enough.
We at TSA strongly endorse her message of inclusivity and love and honor her as the forevermore Vice Pupper of TSG.
