Reframe envy to fuel your growth

What is envy?

In the Bible, envy is one of the deadly sins. You shouldn’t envy others, you should be spiritual enough to be above envy, or so you’ve been told.

Culturally and socially, envy bears negative connotation as well. As a kid you were probably told not to envy your friends, that it was bad. Does it mean that we learned not to envy? Not really. We just learned to hide it deep inside of us. And every time we feel it, it sets off a destructive spiral — we feel bad about feeling envious, beat ourselves up about it, think that we’re horrible people BUT WE STILL feel that twinge, and that makes us angry, over time it destroys our confidence and builds up hate towards other people. And so it goes, eternal loop. Envy doesn’t go anywhere: we all feel it. So, what can we do about it?

Envy is not bad, it’s normal for humans to feel it. Throughout our history, envy is what drove our ancestors to grow and progress socially.

Let’s reframe envy as something that gives you impulse to act to get to that thing, whatever it might be, that your mind is telling you actually want.

Envy goes hand in hand with aggression. Aggression is nothing other than energy to act. The two of them illuminate your true wants and desires and give you energy to go get it. And when you don’t use this active aggression (read, energy) to act, it becomes passive internal aggression (auto-aggression). What does auto-aggression do to you? It basically destroys you from inside out, eats you alive. It shows up in many forms — from unhealthy habits, poor health to stagnation in your career, personal life or general lack of energy to live your best life. Pretty bleak, I’d say.

How about instead of bottling up that aggression, we use it to achieve things? Let’s break it down.

When you feel that twinge of envy, there are two ways you can go with it:

1. You feel angry. You don’t have that thing, so you start minimizing “it” and whoever has “it”. You put on this mask, and pretend that you don’t even care about this “it”, and on and on it goes. This sets off negative thoughts and anger that are aimed at someone who doesn’t even know or care that you’re feeling all of this. You know why? Because they are focused on their lives.
2. What’s the better way? When envy arises, how about stopping for a second to explore it with openness and curiosity? Envy is an indicator of your true desire: you envy somebody’s career? Chances are you want it for yourself. Do you feel this nudge when you’re looking at someone fit? Well, deep inside you probably know it’s time to hit the gym. And so it goes.

Say, we go the second route where we look at our envy with open mind and are being honest about why we’re feeling it.

One of the basic principles of coaching, is that if you want something, it means you have the resources to achieve it. Let me say it again, if you envy, it only means that your mind is showing you what you really want AND is telling you that you have everything you need to get there. If you can envision it, you can achieve it. Our consciousness is rational and, assuming you have a firm grip on reality, you already have the means to get to your goal.

Focus on you, on your growth, and not someone else’s.

Here’re some steps to help you on your way of reframing envy from being mentally destructive into the fuel for your growth:

1. Responsibility. You are the only person responsible for any and all results of your life. Take responsibility for your decisions and actions. You’re the creator of your reality, and nobody else is to blame or praise for it.
2. Focus on you. Once you feel triggered, reach out to that person. Find out how they got to where you want to be. Network, learn from others, share your knowledge. Approach it not as competition but as an opportunity to expand your mind.
3. Take care of your authentic self. Your experience and knowledge are unique to you, so keep expanding it, keep working on it. Podcasts, articles, books, networking, whatever it is that brings you joy. Next time you have a free hour, choose to cultivate your authentic self instead of wasting it on scrolling through social media.
4. Have a hobby that brings you joy. It can be anything: ceramics, gym, racing, hiking. Spending time on these restores your energy, it can even be a form of meditation for you. Don’t deny yourself these moments.
5. Develop your emotional intelligence. Learn to recognize and ecologically live through your emotions. Spot what triggers certain emotions, your reactions and thoughts that come after. Take a moment to become aware of your behavioral and thoughts patterns, then consciously change these into functional reactions. Instead of feeling like an imposter and spiraling into negative self-harming thoughts, recognize that these beliefs are not true, or kind, or serving you. This practice will allow you to step away from automatic reactions that harm your self-esteem to something that actually builds you up.
6. Stop scolding yourself for feeling envy. Instead, view it as an impulse to action. Follow up on the released energy, instead of bottling it up and converting it into auto-aggression. Make it work for you instead of against you.

Your envy is shining a spotlight not only on what you want, but it is also showing you the way to get there. Instead of spiraling into negativity and focusing on external, this is an excellent chance to get inspired and focus on yourself. What you can take away from this moment is an action plan. Keep deconstructing what’s coming up in your day to day, and you’ll be amazed at where it might lead you, should you choose to reframe envy into action plan. Try this, and watch your life unfold.

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