#NEWS | Royals and monarchists congratulate Marcos heir on historic seize
By La Liga Manoban*
After grievous battles across the Philippines, with police firing at protesters, military personnel raiding ballot-filled classrooms, and businessmen investing in voting machines, a challenger has emerged victorious. Ferdinand Marcos Jr., 64, known as “Bongbong,” was proclaimed the presumptive president of the Philippines on May 15 at the Marcos campaign headquarters in Mandaluyong. The former senator, a private citizen since 2016 and thus the subject of countless drug use allegations, is the heir apparent and namesake of the infamous dictator, who was known for his brutal treatment of progressives and intensive money laundering during his 21-year regime.
Marcos Jr. studied philosophy, politics, and economics at the University of Oxford but dropped out, likely due to lackluster grades. After this, he also studied and dropped out of the Masters in Business Administration program at the University of Pennsylvania. He was then granted governorship of the family fiefdom of Ilocos Norte and chairship of Philippine Communications Satellite Corp or Philcomsat. The latter awarded him a monthly prize of 5 million PHP (in 2022 values) for visiting the headquarters three times a year.
After three lengthy years of exile in Hawaii, Marcos Jr. returned to the Philippines, becoming a representative and governor in Ilocos Norte. He later became a senator, where he became famous for the creation of holiday declarations and renaming of national roads. He unsuccessfully sought the vice presidency in 2016 with Judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago as his running mate. This sparked a battle spanning his entire supposed vice-presidential term to contest his loss to Congresswoman Leni Robredo.
Marcos Jr. faced 36 years of scrutiny from all sides — at least three countries, including his own, had tried to block the dramatic return of the Marcos dynasty to Malacañang. However, through the Trump-esque information campaign that he had built during his vendetta against Robredo, he had managed to win the minds, wallets, and social media accounts of over 30 million Filipino ballots. And through these Machiavellian measures, he managed to seize what the Marcos family had been struggling to attain, the end goal of all dynasties like his own: the Philippine throne.
The Marcos family is a powerful dynasty that includes the Marcoses’ mother Imelda, shoe collector and former Ilocos Norte 2nd District Representative; sister Imee, Kulit Bulilit producer and current senator; and son Sandro, heir of his father’s political ambitions and presumptive Ilocos Norte 1st District Representative.
With his incoming accession to the presidency, Marcos Jr. brought back the gold and glory of the Marcos family to Malacañang Palace, which they once again made their home. And with the return of the Philippines’ foremost dynasty, representatives of present and deposed monarchies around the world have now come together to celebrate the historic seize of the Pearl Crown.
Immediately after the proclamation, Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom personally received the incoming president through Zoom to congratulate him. The Queen, known for using clothing and accessories for political statements, chose to wear red in coordination with Marcos Jr.’s campaign colors. Despite the controversial proclamation of Bongbong’s win, the monarch defended Marcos Jr.’s political career, as she had with her son Charles, Prince of Wales.
“Philippines doesn’t have the worst governance. It has the worst citizens,” she said. The British royal family and the Marcoses have known each other since the latter’s rise to power in 1965. Marcos Jr.’s sister Irene was even once proposed as a spouse for Prince Charles, who in a recent interview acclaimed the presumptive president for his “wonderful name”.
The queen also donned the Burmese Ruby Tiara, custom-made from 96 rubies, which the Burmese people believe can protect the wearer from sickness and evil. “I know that he is a good leader,” said Elizabeth, a former radio broadcaster who in the 1970s lobbied to hide her private wealth from the public. “Unfortunately, the oligarchs are destroying his name, and the citizens just keep complaining.” She notably wore the tiara in a 2019 state visit to the United States, where she was received by then-President Donald Trump, known for his business empire and conspiracy theories.
In the Grand Hotel Sonnenbichl in Garmisch-Partenkirchen, Germany, His Holy Majesty King Rama X of Thailand issued a statement of congratulations to the incoming president. His Holy Majesty is believed to be the richest individual royal in the world, with a personal fortune of 40 billion USD, which He inherited from the Crown Property Bureau and other tax-funded government agencies; one could recall Marcos Jr.’s difficult battle to inherit Philcomsat. “I, the König von Thailand, would like to congratulate My fellow Ferdinand Marcos Jr. on his historic seize of the Philippine presidency,” said the aging king, also known for His playboy lifestyle.
He likened Himself to Marcos Jr., both heirs of their fathers’ surnames and countries’ immense fortunes. His Holy Majesty vowed to support the new Philippine dynasty: “As a fellow monarch, though quite advanced in age, I will guide and support the new President Marcos in leading the Philippines towards a new age of prosperity for all citizens of its first families.”
Joanna, Princess of Kalayaan and pretender to the Free Territory of Freedomland, now the Kalayaan Islands hotly contested by the People’s Republic of China, also praised the victor. She personally visited Marcos Jr. in his campaign headquarters to congratulate him. “I, the Princess of Kalayaan, am proud to support Ferdinand Marcos [on] his groundbreaking conquest of the Philippine presidency today,” she said.
“Like the princes before me, we have always put our trust in the Philippine government. This is so that they can ensure that the territory we once called our home will always be protected by foreign interests.” The first Prince of Freedomland, Tomas Cloma, notably claimed the islands in 1956 and ceded it to the Philippine government for one peso in 1974.
A victory party was also previously held at the Marcos campaign headquarters on May 14 featuring a royal red theme, signifying the incoming president’s campaign colors and claimed Chinese descent from the pirate Lim-A-Hong. It was attended by a slew of relatives, personalities, and even royal personages, among them Count Johannes von Morny, president of the Coalition of United Monarchies (CUM). The count personally flew to Manila to see the return of another dynasty in Asia.
“The CUM arrived yesterday to celebrate the birth of the Marcos presidency and the return of the Philippines’ foremost family to the Pearl Crown,” said Count Morny. A schoolmate of Marcos during his years at Oxford, he lauded the incoming president, saying: “Bongker (a nickname given to Marcos at Oxford) was never really into studying, which I understand, but we knew that he was going to reach far because of his father’s accomplishments. For that I’m grateful for my friend Bongker’s presidency.” Morny pledged his support on behalf of the coalition, stating: “The CUM will stick by President Marcos as he overdrives the Philippines for six years into a new golden age. May its citizens receive a golden shower of blessings from on high.”
Doña Victoria de Zangroniz, secretary of La Banda de la Monarquia (LBM), a local monarchist organization, was also present and hosted the event. Doña Victoria, who knew Marcos Jr. through their common circles, reminisced about the associates of the senior Marcos during his presidency: “Bongbong’s father always knew to give his closest friends and associates the most important positions — this was to ensure that the government dealings and funds were secure to the people who really mattered.”
In a similar vein, she became very hopeful of the role of the nobility during the Marcos Jr. presidency. “LBM is relieved upon hearing that the nobility will play a big role under Bongbong’s leadership,” said the Spanish-Filipina businesswoman. “We are committed to working with the Marcos government in securing the interests of the government and ensuring the advancement of the first citizens of the country. We hope that the Filipino people can recognize and espouse the causes of LBM in their bodies.”
The incoming presidency had been less than favorable in the international scene. Several countries of note condemned the actions of incoming government officials, and investment banks such as J.P. Morgan dissuaded international investors from investing in the Philippines. However, the incoming Marcos presidency has brought stocks to several local investors at the forefront of local economic development.
One of these outstanding investors is Leyte 1st District Representative and Prime Media Holdings owner Martin Romualdez, who happens to be a first cousin of Marcos Jr. Another is Philweb owner Gregorio Ma. Araneta, who is coincidentally the presumptive president’s brother-in-law.
The Marcos family is also said to have received 1000 metric tons of gold from the Tallano royal family, to whom they reportedly served as members of the judiciary before assuming control of the Ilocos Norte province. This gold will allegedly be used to pay the 13 trillion PHP national debt that the Marcos family itself created during its 21-year rule.
Though the World Bank demoted the Philippines’ education status to that of a third world country during the presidency of Rodrigo Duterte, the presumptive vice president and education chief Sara Duterte-Carpio (daughter of Rodrigo) stated that the Marcos administration will prioritize the education sector. The future administration plans to extend the education timeline for another two years under a K-14 education system. Through this, young Filipinos would be further conditioned to be exported to multinational companies and greatly improve the GDPs of first-world countries. They also plan to implement a mandatory Reserve Officers’ Training Corps program, which will train young Filipinos in military combat to protect China from FIlipino progressives aiming to improve the national economy.
The legislative arm of the incoming administration has also indicated their plans for the next six years. Frontrunner Robin Padilla, a veteran actor, plans to implement acting workshops for disadvantaged youth to further their acting skills, particularly in powerful political roles. He will be assisted by retired lawyers such as Larry Gadon in the creation of these bills.
Radio broadcaster Raffy Tulfo will be opening Senate sessions to the public to debate for laws that can be resolved privately — this will be similar to the conflict resolution style he employed in his radio program Wanted sa Radyo.
Outgoing Department of Public Works and Highways chief Mark Villar will be implementing infrastructure projects begun by the Aquino administration under his name and awarding them to notable construction giants such as Vista Land, owned by his father Manny.
The popularity of the Marcos ticket among Filipino ballots has been controversial, with several organizations and human rights groups staging protests since the proclamation of presumptive victors. However, Count Morny offers hope, quoting the American author Robert Anton Wilson: “The worst that can happen under monarchy is rule by a single imbecile, but democracy often means the rule by an assembly of three or four hundred imbeciles.”
Postface: “Royals and monarchists congratulate Marcos heir on historic seize” is a work of satire. Any resemblance to real persons or actual facts is coincidental . . . if you choose to believe so.
*The author has opted to use a pseudonym.
**Note: this article is a satirical piece.