Communication Breakdowns: How They Happen and What to do About it

By Johnessia Jackson, LCSW, Convergence Counseling, LLC, Program Mentor

Originally published on August 30 2024 (www.childcareaccelerate.com)

I have 2 children ages 9 and 4, who test my communication skills daily. Just this morning on their way to school, we had a communication breakdown. My daughter (4) was reviewing addition during the car ride. When she reached the equation five plus two (5+2), she did not answer the question correctly. I attempted to help her by saying, “Zuri, hold up five fingers, then hold up two fingers and count them. You will have the correct answer.”

A quick glance at the backseat and I saw that Zuri didn’t try using her fingers to count. Instead, my son Kingston said, “Zuri, what comes after five?” Zuri replied, “Six”. Then Kingston said, “And what comes after six?” Zuri replied, “Seven.” Finally Kingston said, “So what’s five plus two?” Zuri answered, “It’s seven!” I praised her for getting the answer correct. I looked over and my son was smiling ear to ear. He was able to guide my daughter through getting the answer correctly and did it better than Mom. I was so confused as to why she couldn’t understand my instructions. Was I not clear? What did I do wrong here?

Effective communication is a complicated process and according to The Marriage Counseling Workbook: 8 Steps to a Strong and Lasting Relationship (2018), it requires information to be “transmitted out of your mind and heart, across the space between you, and received into the mind and heart of another person.” I thought I communicated clear instructions to my daughter, but that wasn’t true for her. How many times have you felt your communication was clear regarding a matter, only to find that wasn’t the case? It’s so frustrating, but there are many factors at play when it comes to effectively communicating.

Communication Breakdowns

There are basic tools and rules for communicating with others. For example, listening while someone is speaking, not interrupting, eye contact, and having a clear message. Other things to be considered are body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, voice pitch, and even punctuation. On the receiving end, there’s the interpretation, understanding, attentiveness, expectations, and thoughts for a proper response. In this section we’re going to explore reasons communication breakdowns happen.

Problematic Patterns

Below you will find a list of patterns that disrupt effective communication, according to the workbook. As you review this list, do a self-check. Are any of these patterns a part of your communication style? Have you ever experienced these patterns? Have any of them caused problems when trying to communicate with your staff or caregivers?

My past self resonates with the withdrawal and avoidance pattern. I had a strong dislike for difficult conversations, especially confrontational ones. If we look back at the story of me communicating with my daughter, was there a problematic pattern there? I’d say yes and believe it was negative interpretation. From my perspective, she didn’t try using her fingers to count, which to me meant my suggestion wasn’t a good one. I also believed that my son wanted to prove that he could help her better than I could and that his method was better. Neither is necessarily true! Maybe she didn’t use her fingers because that’s not how she learned to do addition in school. Or, maybe my instructions weren’t clear enough. Maybe she understood my son’s directions because his method is similar to what she learned in school. His method wasn’t better than mine, just different.

Filters

Below you will find a list of filters that can disrupt effective communication. Do any of these resonate with you? Have you experienced a communication breakdown as a result of one or more filters? Which filters do you find yourself using?

Using the story of my children, distraction was a filter in how I interpreted our conversation. I was driving and paying more attention to the road. My daughter may have in fact attempted to use her fingers to count while I was watching the road. I likely missed facial expressions that communicated how she might have felt about my suggestion.

Preventing Communication Breakdowns

This section provides tips for preventing communication breakdowns. These tips will help you shift the way you communicate and can be applied in all aspects of your life.

1. Avoid believing that your thoughts are true and accurate, especially when you don’t have all the facts.
2. Speak the truth in love. Be assertive in your communication and also use compassion while communicating.
3. Actively listen. Pay attention on purpose to what someone is saying. Listen to understand, not to respond.
4. Use “I” statements to speak from your own perspective. For example, “I prefer…,” “I believe…,” “It seems to me…”
5. Summarize what’s been said to ensure you understand or ask the person to repeat back to check for understanding. For example, “I hear you saying….. Is that correct?”
6. Ask clarifying questions if you don’t fully understand what’s being said. Example: “Can you tell me what you meant by…?”
7. Being right and/or in agreement is not the goal! Focus on moving in the same direction toward resolution. Be solution-focused.
8. Validate what’s being said. This does not mean what’s being said is true. Validation is making sure the other person feels heard and that you understand why they feel how they feel. Seek to understand their perspective.

The workbook describes a three-step process for managing difficult conversations. It’s a wonderful summary of what we’ve discussed. Try to incorporate this process as you’re communicating, be it with an employee, parent, or family.

All of this sounds like a lot to keep in mind as you’re trying to communicate effectively, but the effort is worth the end result. Imagine the types of responses you would give and receive if all parties felt truly heard, validated, and understood.

Call to Action

Taking into account elements of communication that were discussed and the self-reflection you’ve done; what are three things you can commit to, that can enhance your communication?

1.

2.

3.

I am committing to:

1. lessening and/or eliminating distractions during conversation,

2. asking clarifying questions when necessary, and

3. increasing the amount of validation I give during conversations.

I challenge you to be more aware of your filters and patterns as you communicate with others. If a conversation doesn’t go well, take some time to reflect on the why and follow up with the other person for their perspective. Be a good communicator on purpose. Practice these strategies with your family, employees, and your clients.

About the Author

Johnessia Jackson is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a Masters of Social Work degree from Washington University in St. Louis. Johnessia spent the first 13 years of her career in the acute care hospital setting. It was during that time she developed a passion for working with people of color suffering from stress due to chronic illness. It was this passion and her drive to serve that resulted in her founding Convergence Counseling Services. In the fall of 2021, Johnessia began to see an influx of tween and teen referrals and found herself a new niche. While she services individuals ages 11 and up with a variety of needs, the bulk of her work is focused on tweens, teens, and their caregivers, working to create stronger and deeper connections with families during difficult transitional periods.

Additionally, Johnessia has authored and self-published A Guided Journal for Teens” and hosted multiple mental health events for teens and their parents during BIPOC Mental Health Awareness Month to introduce coping skills. In 2022, Johnessia received two proclamations from the Mayor of Kansas City, recognizing the contributions of her private practice in black health and mental health.

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