How To Talk To A Skeptic About Your Beliefs
I should start by clearing up a common misconception many people myself included have about what a Skeptic actually is. They aren’t the same as Cynics. Cynicism is believing the worst of something or someone. It has nothing to do with evidence. A Skeptic doesn’t believe without strong reasons, backed by evidence.
When I met Rebecca, my Skeptic chum, it didn’t take me long to find out that there were people who, unlike myself, were rigorous in this approach to life. I heard Rebecca talk about her own skeptical past at Toastmasters (a kind of public speaking bootcamp). I could sense the compassion she had for those who haven’t seen the light of critical thinking. That might be what made me feel comfortable in opening up about my own less than rational interests.
Interests that range from personality profiling to astrology. Interests that I can’t back up with our good friend ‘science’, but that I feel make my life richer. When my Skeptic suggested we take our deep, winding and laughter-filled chats to a public forum — a podcast — I figured, why not? It would be a great opportunity to refine my collection of esoteric ideas.
So The Seeker and The Skeptic podcast was born. We have conversations about weird things. It’s also a way to demonstrate to other Seekers and Skeptics that — despite different approaches to belief systems — we can have proper conversations. We can learn from each other and we can definitely get along.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far about talking to a skeptic about your beliefs:
1) Know what you believe
After having a few conversations with my Skeptic, I realised I had to get a good grip of what I believed before talking about it. Without knowing exactly where I stood on certain subjects, I found myself with little to debate, and left conversations feeling quite unsatisfied with my own self-expression.
One of the early discussions my Skeptic and I had was about personality type tests. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator was my chosen weapon, but I was made aware of its flaws when my Skeptic introduced me to Barnum statements.
These are statements that are likely to be true for the majority of people, and they’re very handy when you write a description of a personality for an online quiz. Who wouldn’t agree with the diagnosis ‘You’re a creative person who has a great deal of potential, if you’d just get out of your own way.’
Case closed.
But I also held on to my foundational belief: that personality tests, regardless of how scientifically unverifiable they are, can be used to reveal a lot about ourselves. The value of the tests is not in their results, it’s in how we reflect on our own reactions to the questions.
That was something my Skeptic couldn’t talk me out of.
Think about your belief. What about it is foundational? What could you bend on? What could you drop altogether? Knowing this is a huge help when it comes to making concessions in your argument, and staying strong.
You can agree with some points from the opposition (in my case, it was the scientific validity of personality type tests) without losing your overall belief. My argument that personality type tests have a psychological benefit could remain strong because I knew specifically what I believed in .
2) Know why you believe
Following closely on the heels of what you believe, is the why behind it. I recommend getting clear on both these points before heading into a discussion, if possible, because you’re likely to be challenged on this.
You’ll run into some skeptics who’ve already made up their minds about you and your kooky ideas. They won’t be willing to hear you out, but there are many others who will. A good skeptic will likely be curious about what you believe and why This might be partly because gives them an opportunity to rattle your foundations, and partly because they’re genuinely interested. If this unsettles you, know that you don’t have to defend anything. We’re all results of the environment we’re born into and the experiences we have had (skeptics too!) and no origin story of your beliefs is right or wrong.
The important thing is to be prepared with your why. This will give you both the opportunity to get to the heart of the matter: what’s propping up your belief system.
If you believe your phone is listening to your conversations because you heard some bloke down at the pub saying so, your Skeptic might be able to dismantle this belief fairly quickly.
If however you’ve done several tests in which you’ve spoken certain words near your phone, and have screenshots of the advertisements related to those words at hand, you might be in with a fighting chance.
In any case, when asked ‘why do you believe that?’ you’ll likely to have a more interesting conversation when you reply with something besides ‘Hmph. Dunno. I just do.’
(Which, for the record, is a great way to end the conversation with a Skeptic.)
3) Seek clarity
When you’re getting stuck into your fiery debate — I mean, calm, civilised discussion — it’s wise to seek clarity on what it is you’re talking about before you both get lost in the weeds.
My Skeptic introduced me to the idea of epistemology quite early on in our profound, wine-fuelled discourses. What do we mean when we talk about ‘believing’ in something? What can we agree is true? Can we agree that anything can be known for sure?
In fact, don’t be surprised if this is all you end up discussing before you can tackle an actual topic.
Regardless, getting some definitions of terms out of the way as early on as possible will help you get much further in your debate.
Saying, ‘I believe in astrology’ is very different from saying, ‘I believe astrology as a practise is useful and interesting,’ as we found out in our exploration of the subject.
4) Assume they want the best for you
Things have gotten heated? Keep this in mind. Most Skeptics probably want the best for you. They aren’t there to be party poopers and ruin your fun. Many have held beliefs similar or even identical to yours in the past, and have found something in them to be lacking — or even harmful.
Whilst you don’t have to completely agree with them, it’s worth remembering that they might be trying to protect you from going down a road they believe is unsafe or at least unhelpful.
Of course, some will purely have the goal of being right. These shady characters are time wasters. If someone is condescending, getting angry or cuts you off mid-sentence a lot, consider drawing the conversation to a close.
But before you do that, consider they might know something you don’t about the road you walk down.
Sure, you could roll your eyes and say ‘Yes Mother…’ as you don your white robes and prepare for the end of days… or you could pop yourself into their metaphorical shoes, and ask yourself: ‘Is there something here I could be at risk of?’
Some people are hypochondriacs, some people are lifesavers. Again, there’s no right or wrong answer here, just an opportunity to see things from another perspective.
5) Remember you are not (just) your beliefs
The first time I had my Jenga tower rattled (and some pieces may have fallen out) was when my Skeptic started talking about our beliefs and our identities getting conflated.
In her instance, it was to do with ‘being a vegan.’ This sounds fine, it even has a ring to it. But it’s arguably much harder to let your beliefs be challenged when you are them. If I’m no longer a vegan, what am I? That’s a scary concept to many. However, if you use words like ‘I don’t eat animal products’ not only can you be more clear (see point #3), but you can also experience yourself as separate from your beliefs, and potentially be more willing to discuss them if they are opposed.
In my case, I was at risk of overidentifying with my self-appointed label: introvert. If I discover that I’m not an introvert one day, I guess my business is a lie and I’m a fraud. Not to mention our podcast, aptly named ‘The Seeker and the Skeptic’… could we be building our own close-minded trap?
I could clarify with words like ‘I am introverting’ (it’s always fun to turn nouns into verbs) or simply ‘I prefer to get my energy from spending time alone.’ This leaves me less defensive when someone questions me on my (sometimes) gregarious behaviours, and free to try on different personality labels, if I choose.
Which is exactly what the Skeptic and I are attempting to do with our podcast. Rather than assuming the stance our label represents, we aim to investigate the other perspective, and see where we can stand to reshape our views.
Despite the varied topics we’ve covered so far, from holotropic breathwork to astrology, we haven’t come to blows (yet) and I’m learning to look more carefully at the ramifications of such practises.
Best of all, I’m learning how to talk to a skeptic without fearing for the safety of my precious beliefs.
