My Journey with Mental Disorders so far + The importance of Community.
My fight with my mental disorders and how having a community makes it easier.
Introduction
Now there are many different types of mental disorders which are all very difficult to deal with, but I am going to stick with the ones that I have as I can speak better from experience. I have had generalized anxiety disorder for about 5 years now and have had Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) for almost 4 years now. Wow, writing these numbers down is quite scary because I didn’t realize that it had been that long.
The Progression of My Disorder
I only got a real diagnosis for the both in early 2021 around March. It took me long to get the diagnosis because firstly 5 years ago, I didn’t know those terms existed and I just brushed it off as sadness or just nervousness. I started to realize that I might have these disorders only when I was in my 1st year of varsity as I would cry myself to sleep every night for no reason. I thought that I didn’t need to talk to anyone and was confident that I could handle it on my own as I have always been independent. I had my first major mental breakdown in December 2019. Luckily I was back home and school was over by then, but I ignored it because once again I thought that I was just being sad and that I will get over it. I thought that I was going to be like a phoenix that will rise from the ashes. Anyways, fast forward to 2020 the COVID-19 pandemic happens and I am back home again and that’s when my mental health went to shit. I still don’t know how I made it through especially with school as I still managed to maintain good grades. Towards the end of the year I started to become very suicidal as I could not take the constant pain and torture of my inner critic any longer. Imagine waking up and the first thought that comes to your mind is how you are a waste of space, a burden and that you should just die. Yeah no, that’s when I knew that I should make the call to see a professional.
My First Appointment with A Professional
So that March 2021 when I got back to school, I made the call myself and booked my first appointment to see a psychologist. I knew it was bad, but not to the point that she wanted to immediately admit me into their mental asylum to keep an eye on me. I immediately declined, so they had my very good friend that I was staying with in the hostel at the time to be checking up on me. I think that was the very first time any of friends actually knew how bad it was. That was also the first time that I acknowledged that I had a problem and that it was just not all in my head as the diagnosis helped me put a name to what I have been experiencing. I don’t know but there is something about saying things out loud. That was the first time that I truly opened up about how miserable I have been feeling for the past two years. It was the first time that I admitted to not seeing a future for myself to the point where I thought that I should just drop out of school. As well as acknowledging my suicidal thoughts. Tears were obviously shed.
Opening Up To Friends and Family.
My appointment with my therapist prompted me to open up and be honest about my struggles to my friends and some family members that I thought could understand. I quickly realized that not everyone gets it and that they would not be much of a support system to me. Talking to some people about it made me feel as if I was the one that wasn’t doing enough. They made me feel as if I was choosing to stay depressed, while the rest just brushed it off and said something along the lines of “you are strong and you will get through this”. Someone’s wife said “my child, don’t be like this. Don’t let the devil win. Get up, go take a shower and do your school work” safe to say that I never spoke to them ever again. Although there were those that weren’t much of a support, my friends and boyfriend really came through for me.
How having a support system, my little community saved my life.
My friends, some cousins and boyfriend became my support system. I have never felt so loved, understood and supported in my entire life. They saw me in so much pain, yet that did not deter them from loving me even harder and accepting me as I was. My poor boyfriend who also didn’t know much about what I was going through started googling the disorders and following Instagram pages that spoke about mental health in an attempt to understand me better, to know how to handle me, support me and how speak to me when I would be at my lowest. After every therapy appointment, he would make me tell him everything so that he would also be up to date with my progress or sometimes my regression. In that way, he also learned my disordered thought patterns. During my depressive episodes when things like showering would become hard for me to do, my friend would be there to help me walk to the showers and even play my favorite afrobeat songs as she waits for me to finish showering. This brings tears to my eyes. When I couldn’t cook because I was so depressed, she would help me cook or we would just buy takeaway. At that time, I also developed an eating disorder and had body dysmorphia so I wouldn’t want to eat at times. So my friends would either call me during the day to check if I had eaten or my boyfriend would come to the hostel with food and make me eat in front of him to make sure that I have something in my tummy. He eventually had to leave town for school purposes, but when he would notice that I was not doing well he would make occasional trips back to the town that I was residing in to come see me. My friends that weren’t that close to me as they were in different towns would also try to make weekly phone calls just to check in and see where my head was at. All of their efforts kept me sane and I felt less alone. Their hope for me to become better became contagious. Their love and support would fan the flame of hope in me as well and I too began to fight for my life and try to take my power back.
The Importance of Community
The point of this story is to highlight how important it is in having people that understand your struggle. It is important to have a community of friends or family members that are there for you during your hard times. Reassuring you, breathing love and life into you, a shoulder to cry on or just to vent to. It most definitely does not take the pain away, but you feel seen. You feel less crazy especially in a community that still does not fully understand how mental illnesses work. Take it from me, don’t let a few negative responses from people that you thought you could trust deter you from finding your tribe. Don’t allow that to push you back into hiding, to silence you because that’s what feeds the disorder your “loneliness” it gives it power to convince you of whatever it wants you to believe and you will believe it because you are vulnerable. In that loneliness it might also just succeed in killing you (suicide). But to have people that love you and know what you are going through, can help wash off the labels that it desperately wants to label you with. So I urge whoever is going through a tough time or has a mental disorder to find you your own community. It will not take the burden away, but you don’t have to carry it on your own.
