Why didn’t my effort for change last?
Know this overarching framework, and work on the fundamentals.
Stephen Covey was once worried about his son. When his son couldn’t do well at school or hit a baseball, he tried his best to help. “Look at the ball and don’t strike too early! Now! Great job!” When his son’s friends laughed at him, he stepped up for him, “Leave him alone, he’s just learning”. Both parents did their best to be encouraging and protecting, yet little Covey doesn’t seem to gain confidence nor perform better.
At the time, Stephen was studying literature on success and autobiographies of great leaders. He found that the recent 50 years of writings are superficial, compared to the ones dating back as far as 200 years ago. The recent literature focuses on quick fixes, like power strategies, communication skills, and positive attitudes, which he calls Personality Ethics.
In contrast, the older literature emphasizes characters, such as integrity, humility, fidelity, temperance, courage, justice, patience, industry, simplicity, modesty, and the Golden Rule. A great example is Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography, which manifests the man’s effort to integrate the principles and habits into his characters. This is called Character Ethics.
Stephen Covey and his wife, while intrigued by the new findings, review their behavior and attitudes towards their own son. In other words, they focus on themselves first. They discovered that while they want the best for their son, they were acting to make themselves look good as capable parents just to better their social image. They were pushing their son for success in the pace and direction of the parents’ rather than the child’s. They became painfully aware that they were sending out messages to their son that basically said —
“You are incapable and you need our help”.
So they switched focus, and worked on a clear and defined motive, to trust and to appreciate. By doing that, they started to see their son’s uniqueness and his potentials that they were too blind to be aware of. This time, they gave him space. The new message to the son now felt like —
“We don’t need to protect you and you are fundamentally okay.”
As the years passed, the son was elected many times to leadership positions in student body, became athletic, and scored straight As in class. Covey believes that the son’s accomplishments were the expression of the son’s own feelings and self-image. This was a profound learning experience for the couple.
Covey’s focus on character instead of personality
How do we distinguish Personality Ethics from Character Ethics?
When we say he has a personality of an extrovert, it means he displays certain behaviors that allow us to categorize him as such. But the fundamental reason that he goes out and interacts with people is not in the discussion. Character, in contrast, identifies internal goals and beliefs, which are the reasons for the behaviors that follow. If I say he is a courageous person, he can at times overcome his fear in order to protect his loved ones, while at other times be vulnerable and emotional to welcome support from others.
Personality Ethics is like a trap that we fall for easily. It guarantees results in a timely fashion yet came with many side effects lurking around like jellyfishes that will shock you if you stayed for too long. It is not the optimal way to live a life for ‘enduring happiness’. Character Ethics, on the other hand, requires more work, but the results are often lasting.
Go deeper in cheracter and the superficial personality will follow.
Content inspired by The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
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