A Journey From Why to May Be to Yes
A road traveled from not wanting a baby to having one
Who should be interested in reading my journey? I can give plenty of reasons but the one that comes to my mind right after asking this question is:
Those girls or women who are ambitious about their career and understand the importance of having a family, but often end up struggling in both should read it. Also, the men who want to understand their partner’s dilemma and the mixture of emotions while planning for one should definitely read it. Hence let’s dive into it right away.
Disclaimer: This article is trying to cover several scattered thoughts. It might be due to the hormonal battle that is going on inside me🙈.
The Journey of my married life started three years ago. In India, several people prefer arranged over love marriages wherein you are required to meet people and often need to decide based on few meetings whether he or she is the one with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life. I also met my husband in such an arranged meeting. He was in the complete frame of mind to get married whereas I was simply fulfilling my dad’s desire to meet the guys. My dad used to say “Beta (Sweetheart), I am not in a hurry to get you married, but at least keep meeting guys. You never know you might get lucky.”
Thus I met this guy who is now my husband. We dated for few days and approximately after 3 months, I finally decided to agree to the marriage, which I knew I was not ready for but somehow jumped right into it. (He is a really nice guy and I am definitely lucky to have him in my life. My gamble was successful although I am not sure he feels the same way.😂)
When you are single, people will ask you when the auspicious ceremony will happen in your life. Once you are married, they will keep on bugging you about when are you going to have kids as if there are no other better things to do with your life. In addition, they will make you feel that if you do not meet these pre-requisites then you do not have any rights to live. Either you are seen with pity or disgust looks.
I too was bombarded with similar questions after my marriage every now and then, but I was steadfast in my own beliefs on saving the earth and environment by not adding one more count to the exponentially (hypothetically) increasing population of India. But after a year and a half, based on our traditional wisdom, we started worrying about getting pregnant at the right age. I heard many people saying that if you are not pregnant by 30, the chance of conceiving decreases and complication increases thereby compromising either the mother or child’s health.
My doubts
Deep down I had this question: “why one should have a baby?” I asked this question to several people, but no one could provide a justifiable answer. Though the seed of having a baby planted in my mind, I was afraid of the responsibility it comes with. We both started our journey recently and were trying to know each other. The added responsibility did not seem like my cup of tea. I was also afraid to leave my career and lose my identity by being a mother. My mother spent her entire life taking care of the family, but I could not picture myself in the same position. Though I loved my mother a lot, I regretted how she could not pursue her dream of being a fashion designer and ended up just being a homemaker.
There is nothing wrong with being a homemaker but in our society, where patriarchal thinking dominates people’s minds, it is not a respectful domain. “I firmly believe that it is the reason why several females do not see themselves doing household work the whole day as a full-time duty.” Man does a 9 to 5 job but women’s timings are not fixed. They rarely get holidays and if women are working professionals, they are still expected to finish the household chores.
Since childhood, I was filled with thoughts of considering household as my first duty, then if I have any time and energy left, I can do what I wish for. Hence, the day I got married, I considered household as the first priority and gave my career a second priority. But, soon I started struggling to manage both along with the personal time with my husband. Fortunately, my family was supportive of my work and ensured that I get to do the minimum during my workdays but every woman is not fortunate enough to get such a family.
Coming back to the baby, I remember crying hard when my husband first talked about planning for one. I was not sure why I reacted that way but I told him that I will surely start thinking about it. Thus, I gradually started to think about the pros and cons of bringing a child into the world and so far could identify the following disadvantages/insecurities that popped into my mind before the planning.
- My body shape will change(Though I am not currently in great shape 😣)
- I will have to face hormonal imbalances, stress, anxiety, and on top of all the labor pain.
- However, supportive is the husband or family, it will be me who will do most of the work.
- For the first few months or years, I will have to forget about my career and my personal growth.
- I will have to run in a rat race to prove my child is the best. (I see other moms doing it and I desperately do not want to be part of that gang😓.)
- I myself have little control over the excessive use of technology (I am in an IT domain so I do not have much choice to avoid using the screens), how I am going to prevent my child from the screen time.
- Will I be a cool and responsible parent? What if my child hated me? and many more…
One day I read this quote somewhere: “The baby will fill the space you never knew was empty in your life.” and this very thought overpowered every con. Somehow it brought certainty that I will be able to manage the kid, family, and a career. Thus, in no time we planned for a baby, and I got pregnant. I am not sure whether I am still ready for it or not but I guess I will allow life to take its own course without me deciding everything prior.
Five important things I learned during this journey
- I can not control everything and, being anxious about the future will not get me anywhere.
- One should read a lot. Someone out there might be sharing similar feelings and you never know when you find a solution to your worries and problems.
- Take a pause and enjoy the moment.
- You might not be ready for few things ever but you may want to explore what life has planned for you.
- It should be you who needs to decide whether you want a baby or not. No one apart from you should be making that decision for you.
