Allergic Reactions to Mood Swings
Before I start off on this chapter, I want to make note to not judge a book by its cover. Or an article by it’s cover for that matter. There’s more than meets the eye. We can look deep down on ourselves and know we’ve all been there. Have you never said “they just don’t get it?” Because how can they? Every story, every experience is unique in YOUR own way. The point of being so vulnerable in these articles are to make others to stop and think - acknowledge you are not alone in this. A sense of community. A sense of belonging when there’s so much judgement in society. Can you imagine a world with no love and support?
This whole journey has had recurring events of loss. A marriage that collapsed— for the better... A successful career put on pause. A love story too intense it burned… & it’s time to glue the pieces back together. My pieces.
Those with borderline personality disorder have emotions that are heightened and intense compared to others. It’s hard as heck to trust your own feelings or reactions. Lacking a strong sense of self; leads to a sense of emptiness and sometimes a sense of being non-existence. A person with emotional dysregulation might experience an intensity of emotions that other people believe don’t “match” the situations. This causes them to be regularly told that what they are feeling is wrong or invalid. Which is why when you tell a child this.. it can really bite them in the bum in their adult life. This stuff sticks like gum in your hair.
“You’re overreacting”
“You’re too sensitive”
“Stop being so dramatic”
Still the exact cause of BPD is unknown.. oh, lucky me. We do know that it is highly associated with exposure to traumatic experiences; approximately 80% of individuals diagnosed with BPD have had at least one trauma exposure. OK, no more statistics — I promise.
When you suffer from emotional dysregulation, it’s basically your amygdala saying; screw you. I think we talked about this already.. The amygdala is an almond-shaped set of mental controllers that lie deep in our noggin’. Did I really just say noggin’? It controls when and how intense feelings come up to warn you of danger.
Sadly, there still is no evidence to pinpoint why or what causes the brain to have what I like to call an allergic reaction to emotions. Whether the emotions be sad, angry or happy — it creates a chemical release that with BPD feels like an unbearable break out in hives and swelling. You can’t hide it. The intensity of the mood swings are similar to a seizure. Studies reveal, that the amygdala plays a prominent role in the pathogenesis and the symptomatology of an epileptic attack. I’ll shut up with the big words now. So yeah, the amygdala is our emotions’ powerhouse- and mine is out of order.. or I guess malfunctioning.
Though guilt and abandonment is my strongest ‘allergy’- love is what terrifies me. My EpiPen does not work for that one.. I have an intense fear that I am incapable of receiving or giving love romantically in healthy forms. I either choose someone wrong & settle for less than I deserve or come across potentially the “IT” love and sabotage it. I feel that I am cursed and I will never really have it and keep it. This isn’t a pity party though… It simply just sucks; not just because everyone wants a happy ending like in our childhood fairytales and marrying the love of their life but because I can love so deeply, passionately, and unconditionally. It’s consuming, intoxicating.. addicting. I show love in their language. But the moment I feel my heart in the cross fires, that little 6 year old girl hiding underneath her bed when the cops broke down the door… sneaks up to the surface- so I snatch that heart back, build a wall and run for the hills. Ha, I’m in danger.. One extreme to the other. Remember the see saw on the playground- yup that’s it. In other terms: splitting. My favorite unhealthy defense mechanism.
Splitting is a psychological mechanism which allows the person to tolerate difficult and overwhelming emotions by seeing someone as either good or bad, idealized or devalued. Which translates to me showering you with love and attention or shutting down and dropping you without a warning… sorry! This is my silly temporary justification for my intense love or intense hate because of my fear of abandonment- I mean my “allergy” acting up.
I thinks it’s really rare to find your natural love language in another individual; hold on to that sacred love even if you can’t have it fully right this second. It’s worth the wait. What’s meant to be will be- have faith. I am going to hold onto faith that I will learn the capability to love you in the way you need and want. I will have the capability to accept the love you give and the love that I crave and let it feed me. That disgustingly romantic, depressed, boring, manic yet solace loving life I look forward to. The love is always the constant in every mind state.
So let’s end on a good note; shall we? Our biggest goal of 2021; is to love thyself how you have loved others. I will love myself deeply, let it consume me, intoxicate me and become addicted to my love- for me. Well, the healthy kind of addiction. If I find the capability to love myself- I know I’ll have my antidote for this allergy.
