Confessions of Borderline Personality Disorders
Are you fully loaded and ready to go?
There’s a reason I share all of this; all of this crap to you and the people who read this that I don’t even know. I’m sure there are people I never or haven’t talked to in a long time reading this and thinking they know enough to judge.
So let’s judge; this is my most vulnerable truth. I am naked with every inch of me exposed when I share my experiences with BPD, the trauma that led to it, and the consequences of it. I can’t romanticize it or play a different scenario in my head about it.
So I choose to share this most vulnerable piece of me because I have control of the narrative. You can never use this against me. You can’t hold it against me. It’s no longer a dirty little secret. I chose to share it, not you. It’s not your weapon to use. Kids, don’t play with weapons.
The way I look at it is; BPD is like a loaded machine gun. It’s always fully loaded and ready to go. It’s just there mounted to the ground and refuses to be uprooted. Once you hit the trigger.. not just one bullet but all is set loose. Each bullet says something different. Back to back to back on repeat.
You’re trash. You’re a failure. You’re a burden. You’ll never amount to anything worth living for. You’ll always be like this. It’s all and will always be your fault. No one really loves you. You never really love anyone. You will always live in guilt. Give up already.
Now let me tell you this, I know damn well none of that is true. I am not a failure- I am pretty damn successful at my age. Thank you very much. But when you add all of these phrases shooting at you left and right. I am getting hit hard… and I’m falling. Isn’t hard to think you’re so great when you’re on the floor?
I’ve learned over the past year; my finger is the one idling on the trigger. Talk about being your own worse enemy. No other hand can use it. It’s always loaded but not for you to point at me. It’s mine. Unfortunately. This is my shit. My life. My fight. I tell the story.
So the best way to take back control.. for me, I confess it, write it all down and talk about it because it’s easier. It helps me gain control of my life. To take back the trigger after all these years. It’s not a perfect solution, that’s for sure. To think, what if someone else talked about it sooner? Would I have talked sooner?
I am naked revealing it all though it oddly feels normal and easy to share because in some way, this all I’ve ever known.
Let’s say you’re at a fork in the road; SIRI tells you to turn left to meet your destination in 5 minutes but you’ve never gone that way before. The right-hand turn clearly is the opposite direction and will take longer but you know those streets better. You feel safer on those streets. Whatever, you’ll be fashionably late to the party — take that right turn.You’re more comfortable going the way you know even if it’s the wrong way. Even if it’s inconvenient. Even if you might have consequences of being late. That’s it.. sometimes we only know the right-hand turn- it’s been in engraved in our minds and it becomes muscle memory. At this point I’m telling SIRI to shut up; I’m going full speed to inconvenience my life. This is a pattern our brain constructed to live by. It’s familiar to us. The left turn is the unknown territory. I wouldn’t understand how to live a life not surrounded by mental illness and bad things if I go left. It would almost feel like a break up- half of me gone.
I am learning to accept BPD is a part of me but not defining. She’s become my soulmate in a way. Stuck around longer than anyone else has or likely ever will. But here’s secret I’ll share with you... deep deep down I think I can make her my rise oppose to my downfall but we’ll keep that between us. I can’t wait to see who sticks around for the best version of me. To see those who didn’t judge. Because the thing is, I actually think the world and my life can be so beautiful in it’s quietest days.
Would you agree?
