Embrace The Grey
Stop looking at everything as black and white, it’s unhealthy, unrealistic and will ultimately leave you unhappy.
My Experience
For a long time i’ve looked at the world through these impossible black and white lenses. You’re either entirely successful or a fucking failure, you’re either incredibly fit or a complete slob, you’re beautiful or ugly.
No in-between, no wiggle room, no spectrum.
It’s something that i’ve consciously cultivated for a long time; a mindset that i’ve strived to implement believing it would lead me to success and happiness. If i can go all in, i can achieve everything.
This mindset dominated large parts of my life. I’ve always said to close family friends that:
“I’ll either die filthy rich or completely homeless”
And for a long time i truly believed this, because i believed that this was the only way to understand life. If i used this mindset, i could bully myself through determination into a life of wealth, happiness and success.
Perhaps it was youthful naivety, perhaps i’m too harsh on myself, perhaps i’ve read too many self-help books (I have).
Regardless of where it’s come from i know i’m not the only one. There’s others who live with this philosophy instilled in every matter of their being. Let me give you some examples of what someone like this might tell themselves:
- Once i become a professional musician and sell-out stadiums, then i’ll be happy.
- I’m going to make millions of pounds and, without that, i’ll never truly be successful in my own eyes.
- Without this athletic achievement or physical accomplishment, i’m not who i want to be.
- When i live in this country, have this house or become this person, then i’ll be happy.
If you’re like me, at least one of those statements resonated with you. It’s not uncommon to think like this. I believe that this mindset has both positives and negatives, with the negatives far outweighing the positives.
Positives
For me, this is an approach that’s always driven me to do more, try more and push through pain and suffering for success and achievement. I truly believe that without this, i wouldn’t be where i am today.
It pushes you to never settle; never stop moving. You’re always on. Where’s the next mountain? When’s my next project? How can i keep moving?
This sort of negative self-talk about your current circumstances can push you out of your current situation. When you realise you’re not where you want to be, it gives you a goal to aim for, a target to hit.
Often that can be motivating. For example, if you’ve ever been overweight you’ll know that this negative self-talk can push you into shedding some pounds and gaining some muscle. Get up and start moving, you fat piece of shit.
When this black and white thinking does work, and you do lose those last pounds or gain that extra kg of muscle, it re-inforces the illusion that this mindset is healthy — because it works.
Negatives
The big problem with this mindset is that it predicates your happiness upon the achievement of a goal. Without realising that goal, you can’t be happy, you’re not allowed.
For example, say you wanted to do a month of meditation to re-connect with yourself and you operated through this black and white mindset. You’d say to yourself, if to complete a month of meditation then i can be happy with myself, if i do anything less i’m a failure.
The institutional problem is that your black and white lenses negate any hard work you’ve done if you don’t reach your target. Anything less is a failure.
28/28 days = Success = Goal Achieved = Happy.
23/28 days = Failure = Goals not met = Sad.
You’ve still done a massive amount of work and you’re going in the right direction but you can’t allow yourself to be happy because of one fundamental issue.
Unfortunately, this is an outcome-based approach rather than a process-based approach. Individuals using an outcome-based approach will comprehend the same raw data differently from those that adopt a process-based approach.
Those who understand the world through a matter of processes will understand that not everything’s so black and white; there’s grey in-between and that’s what’s inherently beautiful about life. Time is a continuum, we work, try, graft, slave, hustle, commit, struggle and dedicate ourselves over long periods of time to achieve goals. There’s no reason to be miserable until that goal is realised.
Closing Thoughts
Don’t let future goals be the causation of your dissatisfaction. Let them inspire and lead you to accomplish your dreams— but don’t forget to enjoy the process.
Don’t let your life be dictated by a world-view that’s so intrinsically wrong that it hurts to admit you’ve adopted it for such a momentous period of time. Everyone can change their mindset, that means you can too.
For me personally, it’s only within the last year or two that i’ve really understood what embracing the grey really means. From a young age i’ve always said that i’ll get rich or die trying, be an extreme athlete or nothing, a complete success or utter failure.
Thankfully, i’ve learned that none of this is true, it’s just a bullshit illusion that predicates your happiness upon the destination rather than the journey. I now understand that goals can be reached while appreciating the route that leads me there.
I’d say i’m no less driven than i was before, i still have grandiose dreams of travel, success and happiness. I’d even say i’m more convinced that i’ll actually achieve them, because i find fulfilment in my progress and appreciate the incremental improvements i make everyday.
23/28 days of meditation isn’t a failure. It’s a wild step in the right direction if meditating’s your goal. It’s a solid start and foundation for which you can grow upon, not something you need to beat yourself up about.
Keep moving. Never wallow in pity. Always love the experience.
One final thought
If we took this dichotomous thinking, this black and white world-viewing and applied it to life we’d all be believing that life was pointless. If the end result of life is death, then what’s the point of life itself? Should we all just be killed at birth to save us from a pointless experience?
Of course not, life isn’t about by where you are where you end up, it’s more about where you’re going and how you get there. As LSD-infused, hippy loving, as it sounds, life truly is about the journey rather than the destination. Apply this mindset to everything in your life and you’ll love the process as much as the destination.
Simply put, forget black and white. Embrace the Grey.
As Always,
Yours Honestly,
Liam Lawson.
