How To Ask A Stranger Where They’re From: Don’t.
It’s not small talk. And it’s not curiosity.
A few years ago I took my 2 very young children to a community Canada Day barbeque. After waiting in a huge line, I finally plopped down at a small table.
A woman across the table eyed my tan skin and dark, frizzy hair.
“Where are you from?” she asked.
“I’m Canadian,” I told her.
Impatiently, she asked me where my parents were from.
“My dad is Canadian. My mom is Canadian, but she was born in St. Lucia, in the Caribbean.”
She nodded, gave me a satisfied smile, and sat up straighter in her chair. “Isn’t it so nice?” she asked. “Canada welcomes everyone.”
I’m sure she didn’t mean to ruffle any feathers. But, I was ruffled.
She didn’t ask my name or how old my kids were. She didn’t ask what area I lived in, or if I needed help with my squirmy baby. She didn’t care.
This woman asked me where I was from because her subconscious had an itch that needed scratching.
Our brains are addicted to categorizing. It’s an easy and efficient way for our brains to process new information. It’s so easy, we, literally, don’t even think about it. But sometimes our brains need a little help. This is why you feel inclined to ask strangers where they’re from; your brain is asking you to help it categorize that person, because the visual or auditory clues aren’t enough.
How we categorize people — consciously or subconsciously — matters, because it affects how we treat people.
We respect people who are like us, because we understand them. We value what they say, and are more likely to believe them.
We are skeptical of people who are unlike us, because we don’t understand them as easily. We see them as other or different, which easily translates to untrustworthy or unreliable.
The tricky part is that it’s hard to know when our brains are categorizing, and, as a result, it’s even harder to know how we comes across. You might say something kind, but your body language might be saying something completely different.
In my case, the woman asked me where I was from because her brain wanted to know if I was as Canadian as she was. It was probably meant as a friendly question. But, once she had her answer, she wasn’t interested in me.
If she had asked me about me, I could have told her how I saw myself: wife, mother, teacher, musician, wannabe-gardener. Then maybe we would have understood each other on some level. And her brain’s categorization system might start to look more like a Venn diagram, and less like some janky old cardboard boxes.
So, next time you feel the urge to ask someone where they’re from, don’t. Recognize that feeling for what it truly is: a red flag. Your brain is trying to categorize! Get to know who they are as a person first. If you can’t do that, don’t ask.
