The Day Little Debbie Hit The Charts.
An astounding exercise in capitalism, Facebook and sexually abused monkeys.
“You’ll ask how anything so good, can be so good for you.” Little Debbie, 1965
I always figured I was as money-hungry as the next person, until the other day when I lost faith in capitalism. Who do I blame? I blame Little Debbie and her supposedly delicious Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies.
To be honest, I’ve never eaten one of those things. I wasn’t even aware they’re no longer available in Canada. That is until some guy showed up on Facebook’s Buy and Sell, claiming he had 10 boxes of Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies, and was willing to part with for them for $50 a box.
This created quite the stir, since a 12-pack of Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies still sells in the United States at $4.99. That’s if you’re in the United States. Since we weren’t, the seller figured he had a rare product, so he put his offer up on Facebook, resulting in some pretty rude responses.
All of which was relatively polite compared to one guy further down who wrote, “I’ll give you 2 cents and a half-f**ked monkey for 2 boxes.”
The first came from someone, saying, “You’ve got to be kidding!” followed by another incredulous comment, “R u serious?”
All of which was relatively polite compared to one guy further down who wrote, “I’ll give you 2 cents and a half-f**ked monkey for 2 boxes.”
Knowing nothing about sexually abused monkeys, I wasn’t sure if that was a good deal or not, but the seller definitely wasn’t interested.
“I only have seven boxes now,” he replied.
This continued, the barbs flying, until the seller wrote, “ALL SOLD. Thanks to all who purchased. Merry Christmas. HO, HO, HO!”
Well, that was a shocker. The seller just made $500 on something that is still available on amazon.ca (12-pack for $24.99). Fortunately, you’ll get your delivery before Christmas, which is good news for Canadians who can’t imagine the holidays without Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies.
Who are these Canadians, you ask? And what is this hold Little Debbie has over them? I had to look at this a little closer, hopefully without having to buy a box of these creme pies myself.
Little Debbie became the symbol of wholesomeness, which I’m sure she was (being a child at the time).
Going through the history, I learned that Little Debbie was actually the granddaughter of one of McKee Foods cofounders. McKee was competing with another bakery back then, and decided they needed something to indicate freshness. Little Debbie became the symbol of wholesomeness, which I’m sure she was (being a child at the time).
They even had a 45 RPM vinyl single of “The Little Debbie Song” performed by the Children’s Chorus Orchestra, with lyrics like, “They’re power packed with energy…delicious, too, You’ll wonder why anything so good…could be good for you.”
Unfortunately, the product comes in at 330 calories, most of which is sugar. If you’ve been eating Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies since the early sixties, you don’t have teeth. You have sugar stalagmites.
Still, you have to give Little Debbie her due. Over 14 million oatmeal creme pies were sold within the first ten months of her launch. That number is now in the billions, with Walmart being one of the largest sellers.
Which is all well and good, except I still don’t feel good about capitalism anymore. As someone explained on Facebook. “Those people are spending 50 bucks on Little Debbie’s pies while complaining about the cost of food and gas.”
Brother, ain’t that the truth.
We’ve had a crippling year of inflation, war, pandemics, pestilence and everything else. You’d think with all that going on, we’d be concentrating on essentials like carrots and cat food, not a box of Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme at $50 a pop (does that includes shipping?)
At $4.16 a serving, you could buy a whole bag of oatmeal (and possibly molasses).
I doubt these things even fall into the “nutrition category,” since its most nutritious ingredients are molasses and oatmeal. At $4.16 a serving, you could buy a whole bag of oatmeal (and possibly molasses).
This is where I become a bit of a heretic economist. I’ve stood in the lines at the grocery store, listening to people complain about the price of food. Yet, more than half of their loaded cart consists of processed foods with the nutritional value of dead leaves. Composted, those leaves actually offer more nutrition than processed foods (which shouldn’t be composted).
In economist’s terms, processed foods offer little or no return on investment (meaning health benefits). So we’re essentially spending more than we’re earning, which is where inflation grows.
If I can go all John Kenneth Galbraith on you for a minute, he once said, “More people die in the United States of too much food than of too little.”
Again, brother, ain’t that the truth.
You can dump them out on a plate, toss on a scoop of ice cream, and you’ve got Christmas dessert solved.
Fast foods sold us convenience at the expense of nutrition. In fact, I’m willing to bet those $50 Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies are the absolute epitome of convenience. You can dump them out on a plate, toss on a scoop of ice cream, and you’ve got Christmas dessert solved.
Anyone complaining about nutritional value should be immediately informed that there was a bowl of carrots hardly touched.
Don’t complain if you’re not willing to reach over and grab a good carrot with enough antioxidants and fibre to counter those Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies.
That may be common sense, but as John Kenneth Galbraith also said, “A person buying ordinary products in the supermarket is in touch with their deepest emotions.”
I’m sure the same can be said paying $50 for a 12-pack of Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies.
It’s just common sense.
And just common nonsense.
Maybe I need to listen to “Little Debbie’s Song” again.
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Robert Cormack is a satirist, blogger and author of “You Can Lead A Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive).” You can join him every day by subscribing to robertcormack@medium.com/subscription.
