The English Language is Going to Change.
How to fix the tragedy of the English Language.
This is a real conversation between a mother and her 3-year-old son Tommy:
“After school I runned all the way home and leaved my backpack on the table!” said the son excitedly, prompting a warm laugh from his mother.
“That’s great! But instead of ‘runned’ and ‘leaved,’ you would say ‘ran’ and ‘left,’” she replied.
“What?” asked the son, instantly serious. “Why would I ever do that?”
“Oh, that’s just how the language is, honey,” said the mom.
“Mother, I am horrified that you would raise me to use such an atrocity of a language. This is truly a catastrophe, and my trust in you has been forever shattered. I will depart immediately and never return.” With that, Tommy somberly grabbed his backpack and walked out the door, stoic in the face of his mothers tears.
It doesn’t have to be this way. We can make a brighter future, where Tommy lives with his mother until he’s kicked out at the ripe young age of 33.
“But,” you say, “English is so wonderful. Look at all the amazing art that has been produced with the language: The Little Mermaid, Cardi B’s ‘WAP,’ Hamlet…”
Oh, so you’re bringing Shakespeare into the mix, eh? English has changed a lot since his time. Here’s a nice heartwarming quote from his work:
Thou changed and self-cover’d thing, for shame,
Be-monster not thy feature. Were’t my fitness
To let these hands obey my blood,
They are apt enough to dislocate and tear
Thy flesh and bones: howe’er thou art a fiend,
A woman’s shape doth shield thee.
So clearly, our language changes over time. And based on the interaction between Tommy and his mom above, it is currently not perfect. So here are a few ways we’re going to change it:
1. No more abnormal verbs.
Present: I have a tapeworm.
Past: I h̶a̶d haved a tapeworm.
Future: I will have a tapeworm.
Present: I run from my mistakes.
Past: I r̶a̶n runned from my mistakes.
Future: I will run from my mistakes.
See how easy life could be? By the way, after I propose a change I will use it for the rest of the article, so get ready for some lovely sentences.
Sugar will be pronounced not-ridiculously.
Why is sugar pronounced “shugar”? Who decided that? It’s now pronounced as it looks, so just replace the ‘sh’ sound with an ‘s’ sound. Moving on.
Wednesday will be spelled Wensday.
And it’s about damn time. Honestly, have you ever r̶e̶a̶d readed the word “Wednesday” without being immediately sucked into a vortex of shame and self-pity?
Bologna will not exist anymore, period.
The awfulness of this word is rivaled only by the taste and texture of the food itself. All of it will be swiped from the shelves of grocery stores and destroyed in a great fire, and we will all dance together and hold hands and sing as it burns. Then we will never again speak of its existence.
The letter C.
I’m wary of this letter. Its only valid use seems to be when combined with an ‘h’ to make ‘ch.’ When it is pronounced like a ‘k,’ it kould just just be replaced with a ‘k.’ When pronounced like an ‘s’, it kould be replased with an ‘s.’ So maybe the solution is to change the sound of ‘c’ to be ‘ch.’ I’m open to feedbak on this one, and would be perfektly happy to just get rid of ‘c’ altogether.
Those are the first steps toward a perfekt world, but they’re just a start, and I kan’t do this alone. Join me, friends.
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