Why Nice People Often Get Abused in Relationships

Jason Henry
Feb 19 · 6 min read
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

There’s a difference between accepting people for who they are and allowing them to treat you and others like crap.

If you see someone drop poison in your water, are you going to admit that this person has murderous intent and leave for your safety? Or are you going to drink the water, knowing that you’re going to die all because you’re an “accepting” and “nice” person?

Nice may just lead you to being abused, used or killed.

It’s unfortunate that being nice seems to mean being permissive and non-confrontational. The nice person doesn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. God forbid they express an opinion that others disagree with or say something that may trigger others.

If others get triggered by what you say, that is totally because of who they are. If people are going to get hurt because you have a different opinion, that speaks to their character. Not yours.

We have to realize once and for all that the nice person is someone who doesn’t want to hurt others because they were so hurt and traumatized in the past and didn’t heal, that they made a vow to never make others feel the way they felt.

It’s an honorable promise until you dissect it and see the ramifications of such a decision.

Firstly, these people are charlatans. Sorry to say it but it’s true. Nice people aren’t honest. They will say whatever it is that makes people feel good. They cannot make others feel bad because it will trigger their own negative feelings from the past.

Which leads to the second point. Nice people are often selfish. Yes, they may give you the shirt of their back and sacrifice themselves for you, but it’s because they cannot tolerate seeing people suffer because it reminds them of their own suffering. They do what they do primarily for them.

So as much as an abusing type may be labelled selfish, they found an equal and opposite partner in the nice person who is also selfish.

Third point: nice people abuse themselves. By sacrificing themselves so that they never have to witness pain and suffering in others, they lead themselves to the slaughterhouse. And they smile while they do it, feeling a sense of pride that they made another’s life a little bit easier.

When (certain) people see this person treat themselves in this way, it’s an invitation. Abusive types will suck the marrow out of the nice person because they don’t put up a fight. They don’t want anyone to starve, despite them being bone skinny. They don’t want anyone to go without, even though they’ve given away everything.

For most highly agreeable and nice types of people, there’s a breaking point. At some point, they will look at the scale and see how their charity is being repaid in abuse over and over again. Then their spine reemerges and they walk away.

Some walk away knowing that they gave too much of themselves to the abuser/taker. Others walk away bitter, wondering how someone could see their kindness for weakness and take advantage of them.

What this latter character doesn’t understand is that there were two people using one another. The abuser was using the nice person and taking from them. But the nice person was able to fulfill their desire of removing pain and suffering from their environment by taking on the pain and suffering of others.

Abusers are easily spotted, but people who abuse themselves are seen as amazing people. Finally the world is waking up from this delusion.

It’s unfortunate that I have to make this next point but I know how people think.

Not everyone who is charitable is using people to make themselves feel good. Some are. But there are those who see people hurting and know that they can help without sacrificing themselves.

And that’s exactly what is needed. If you have to sacrifice yourself, are you really ridding the world of pain and suffering? You’ve simply moved it from one host to another. And if you’re the type that shames people for not doing what you want them to do because you alleviated some issue from their life, guess what? You just took pain from someone, swirled it around yourself, only to dish it back out.

As toxic as an abuser may be, it takes two to tango. You have to know the steps and you have to be a fitting dance partner. An advanced dancer will only dance with other advanced dancers. If you can’t match their moves, the partners are incompatible.

That’s another uncomfortable truth: you are close to the same level of toxicity as your partner. Your toxicity may manifest itself in a different way than an abuser, but it’s still toxicity.

Photo by Paulo Silva on Unsplash

The solution is simple but somewhat difficult to enact: the nice, agreeable person has to acknowledge that they hate suffering and they must be able to look at pain and suffering and be okay with it.

This does not mean that they don’t care. This does not mean that they cannot offer a helping hand. But it cannot be done because pain and suffering is triggering them. It cannot be done to fulfill some personal need. Any help must be for the person who is suffering.

That sounds incredibly obvious, doesn’t it? And yet the sickeningly nice aren’t really helping others for the sake of others. They just flat out hate seeing and experiencing suffering because it triggers their own past suffering.

The nice person must allow people to solve their own problems too. Rescuing people can be done when the situation calls for it. These are often in extreme situations. But in giving or pointing people to resources to help themselves, you are empowering them. If these people don’t want it, that’s okay. You’ve done your part.

Also, when you become capable of allowing pain and suffering to be present without being compelled to change things or change people, you are now impervious to taking on partners who bring nothing but pain and suffering.

You understand that not only is it impossible for you to change people, it’s also manipulative. Why would anyone want to change someone? Because they aren’t doing what one wants them to do. Suddenly, the nice person doesn’t seem so accepting anymore. The truth is, they never were.

It’s always obvious to see an abuser trying to change their partners to be whatever they want them to be. But the nice person covertly does it by thinking they can give kindness and get kindness in return. They don’t realize that they cannot change people. They don’t realize that they’re just being manipulative.

They cannot consider the option of being with someone who can deal with their own problems and isn’t trying to change them. Why? It’s a completely different type of dance partner. The nice person dances a toxic dance of changing people. The good person doesn’t know the moves.

The nice person wants to remove pain and suffering to the extent that they’ll take the pain on themselves. The good person knows that pain is going to happen and if it isn’t handled properly, it will yield suffering that will continue to hurt them and may spill onto others.

The nice person will always choose their toxic equivalent because despite their differences in how nice people and abusive people express themselves, they both absolutely hate their pasts and are doing everything in their power to escape the pain.

The good person made peace with the past and as a result has peace in the present. They have no inclination to consciously or subconsciously seek suffering.

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Jason Henry

Written by

Former Edu. Psychologist | Current Writer | Constant Learner | “By your stumbling the world is perfected.”

The Shadow

We publish inspiring stories about different topics for a productive and entertaining life

Jason Henry

Written by

Former Edu. Psychologist | Current Writer | Constant Learner | “By your stumbling the world is perfected.”

The Shadow

We publish inspiring stories about different topics for a productive and entertaining life

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