The New Language of Emotion
How Expressing Our Feelings Will Change our Evolution
Many of us would say things have gotten bad, as a society, in general. One side would say it’s the other side’s fault, and we are divided. But imagine that wasn’t what was happening at all?
Humanity has suffered. And in reaction, we got angry. But our revolution has been different than those of the past. There’s a technological unity that never existed before, and although it has exploited many and divided more, social media has shown us to ourselves. And we are creatures capable of expressing great emotion, which continues to be falsely perceived as a weakness.
Our Approach to the Expression of Feelings is Inherently Codependent.
Why don’t you allow yourself to cry when tears form? Why would you stop yourself from laughing? Because that would feel good to you? Nope.
We stop all kinds of expression of emotion because of social contructs. We believe it will make others uncomfortable. If you’re angry, you better be a white man of power or you’ll be labeled crazy and dangerous. If you’re crying, you better be a little girl or you’ll be labeled as weak. And these labels live in our belief systems, accepted as truth.
But this is not the world we are becoming. Our constructs are changing, and you can see evidence in every social media post. We can choose to see social media as derisive and diminutive communication, sure, and it absolutely exists as purely that. We could also choose the perspective that we are on the verge of an emotional evolution. The passion, the anger, the joy, the love, the loneliness, the celebration, the isolation, the anxiety, depression and healing peace we’re all sharing — it may seem so very divided, but we are transforming collectively, and with great change comes great instability. . . at first.
In the here and now, we are practicing feeling our feelings. Today, we can recognize each feeling that surfaces as valuable, needing our acknowledgment and in need of expression. And the best part about feeling our feelings today is they don’t get stuck in our minds, bodies and souls for tomorrow. Our feelings tell us who we are. . . without judgment (we add the judgment). And interestingly enough, if you’re human, you have feelings, so how are we not unified?
The Programming.
We didn’t create these beliefs. They were universally accepted and before we could think critically, we accepted them too. Here are just a few of the invasive beliefs that most of us took on as our own.
Showing that you are afraid of something implies you are weak.
Vulnerability is only expressed by the weak of mind.
No one knows how I feel.
Expressing feelings in public makes other people uncomfortable.
Feelings are a waste of time and they get in the way of productivity, and productivity is all there is of value to anyone.
The strongest and most powerful people will never show weakness, and any expression of feelings other than anger is a sign of weakness.
If you want to be successful, you must put all tenderness, compassion and connection aside. There’s no love in business.
My feelings are unlike anyone else’s, so I am alone in them.
The Truth.
Feelings are universal, but the expression of feelings is devalued in societies that are based around patriarchal capitalism. These capitalist societies emphasize doing over being (because productivity equals profit), and expressing a feeling is wasted time “being,” rather than productive time “doing.” The patriarchal piece designates the expression and responsibility of ALL “unacceptable” feelings to women. Acceptable feelings are limited to: contentment, sexual pleasure and most forms and varieties of anger (not anxiety or depression).
Expressing our feelings without attaching a story to how, why, when, who or what caused the feelings enables us to let them go through that expression, which returns our system to homeostasis, which is PEACE. Meaning, if you feel sad you cry (as long as you don’t think about the “story” of why you were sad), you won’t be sad anymore.
Our feelings are meant to be expressed, not buried, not held on to, not denied, not ignored, not repressed, and certainly not shamed. Expressed.
Expressing vulnerability is one of the most courageous and difficult things any human being can do.
Authenticity is the full expression of our feelings.
We believe that making ourselves vulnerable will push people away because they will judge us to be weak and unworthy, when in my experience, it has always had the opposite effect. Despite what our programming tells us, when another person is completely vulnerable with us, we see something of ourselves in them because vulnerability, like all feelings, is universal, and it’s what we want to be, so we are inspired. And we recognize the courage it took for them to express this because we know how hard it would be if we were to put ourselves in their position. Granted, some of us still make fun of vulnerability due to a lack of emotional maturity or empathy, but I also believe it’s a lack of practice.
We are Toddlers Learning a New Language
Practicing expressing those feelings that we perceive make us most vulnerable will make us better. Any practice makes you better at whatever you’re practicing, so express yourself. Yes, there’s a lot of unkind and violent expression of feelings as we walk into this new world. And it will settle.
My son still calls breakfast dinner and dinner lunch. He cries when he loses lego Mario’s hat. To you, those things could be easily dismissed by saying he’ll grow out of it.
My point is, we will grow out of this too, but how you feel now matters. Feeling your feelings matters now more than ever. Feelings are not a luxury. They are not only for the priviledged. Our entire world is changing around the tolerance of the expression of feelings. We’re changing the language by allowing ourselves to be.
Keep being patient with yourself. Keep checking in. How am I feeling right now?
Courage and stoicism are not mutually exclusive — expressing yourself vulnerably and authentically is an incredibly brave act. And just because you don’t see the fear, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
When in Doubt, Be Compassionate
If you’re afraid, it’s okay. You don’t feel safe to express your feelings? It’s okay. If your feelings aren’t accessible, that’s okay too. They’ll surface when you’re able to interact with them. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be. Whatever comes up, you’re okay — you are capable of handling whatever surfaces within you because it is a part of you. ALL of you is acceptable, regardless of what your programming tells you, regardless of what society tells you. Loving who you are at any given moment is the greatest social rebellion and the most valuable transformative practice one can aspire to in life. So, why don’t we all do it? Because it’s easier to believe the programming, the lies that we are not enough, that we are not worthy or that we are too much and still unworthy. That’s why love is a rebellion. The practice of denying our authenticity, rejecting our true nature, enforcing fear and demeaning love was practiced more often. No more. We are in a state of flux.
Our commitment to expressing and feeling our feelings will change the world. Because, it matters what we practice as a collective. And each individual makes up the collective, so if each individual choosing a practice of expression over denial, we change the practices of the collective. So, if you are in doubt of what to “do” with your feelings, I say try “being” with them. I say, choose compassion. Every time.
The Key to Being With Other People’s Feelings is Holding Space
If someone you love is losing their shit, sit with them. Don’t try to fix the problem. Just let them express. Don’t try to relate. Just listen. Don’t offer solutions. Feelings don’t need solutions. They need expression. So allow the expression. Allow your discomfort with their feelings, but try not to stop them from expressing their feelings because of your discomfort. Trust that there is nothing you have to do for them except put your own shit aside. This is called “holding space,” and it’s the most powerful practice you can offer another person in emotional crisis.
Hold the Vision
Keep showing up as the example. Remember that an entire paradigm is being flipped, and it is so easy to resort to what’s comfortable, what we’re used to, and that’s okay. When you become more aware of your feelings, you can get more comfortable with making the more challenging choices. You can accept your feelings as them come up instead of denying them or escaping them. You don’t even have to “deal” with them. You can just allow them to be. Imagine that? You don’t have to “do” anything with your feelings. Did you just take a sigh of relief? Because I did. Being more and doing less is the vision. Keep the practice of expressing your feelings going. The more you practice, the more the collective practices, and the sooner we get to the paradigm shift of acceptance and compassion over fear and division.
I’m ready. Are you?
