4 Patterns on the Spiritual Journey: Bruised, Beloved and In-Between

Spiritual growth is a journey.

Often, we start our spiritual journey seriously bruised and battered. Life experiences, poor decisions, or unhealthy relationships leave their mark. We may have accepted lies about ourselves, others, God, and/or our spiritual life.

Photo by christian ferrer on Unsplash

The path to healing, emotional wholeness, and healthy spirituality is all part of the same process, and understanding where we are is a major step towards spiritual and personal growth.

I’ve previously discussed the importance of understanding the invitation to spiritual growth. How we perceive ourselves is equally important.

Over the years I have recognised four distinct patterns in my spiritual experience. I have also observed these dynamics in the lives of friends and acquaintances across various cultures and religious traditions.

Awareness of these patterns has helped me and others on our spiritual journeys. Do any of these resonate with your experience?

1. The Orphan Pattern

An orphan lacks significant caring relationships, support, protection, and resources. They don’t feel accepted or have a place where they feel they belong.

In orphan spirituality:

• We might have embraced a spiritual or religious position on an intellectual and/or lifestyle level, but there is a gap between what we believe is true and what we experience personally and relationally
• We are conscious of our need and lack, and it is easy for self-pity, spiritual poverty and relational isolation to drag us into a downward spiral
• Our choices and actions may look positive but might be driven by a desire to belong and be accepted
• Our spiritual experience and practice may give us glimpses of something deeper and better, but we are not fully satisfied.
• This spiritual dissatisfaction can push us to despair, escape, or grow deeper.
• Spiritual dissatisfaction may combine with the desire for acceptance and push us to seek these things from people or groups around us that we look up to. If they enable our growth, this will benefit us. If they use our need to reinforce their own sense of identity or belonging, we will be trapped in an unhelpful spiritual pattern.

2. The Slave Pattern

A slave belongs to the household but has no rights and no security. Their very life depends on the mood or attitude of the household head. They have food and a roof over their head but no rights, no guarantees, and little confidence in their future.

In slave spirituality:

• Our choices and actions may look positive, but can be driven by fear — we can feel a need to work and perform to avoid negative consequences or punishment
• Our security and belonging depend on performance, leading to feelings of inferiority
• We might feel a level of connection with others, but the sense of scarcity can weaken the community dynamic. Slave spirituality can push us towards competing with others for resources we believe are limited, which makes intimacy, collaboration and vulnerability difficult.
• Scarce resources might seem to include the attention and affirmation of ‘significant’ individuals in the spiritual community (as in orphan spirituality).

3. The Servant Pattern

A servant has rights in the household and a higher status than slaves. They have guaranteed provisions and maybe even some free time and disposable income. However, servants work hard for others, have limited freedom, and will never enjoy the same respect and status as household members.

In servant spirituality:

• Our choices and actions may look positive but can be driven by the perceived reward — work is performed for the wage that is given
• We might find meaning and fulfilment in our contribution to the community or to society but might experience a persistent sense of inadequacy or inferiority
• We may experience a degree of connectedness but also a sense of separation from others. Our experience of community is one where relationships are centred primarily around purpose and usefulness. This performance dynamic can limit our freedom to be authentic and vulnerable.
• This impacts our inner world, and our spiritual experience can be inconsistent
• We may still be prone to seeking affirmation and identity through ‘significant’ others or possibly through helping others transition out of Orphan or Slave patterns. Both will sabotage our personal growth and compromise our ability to help others genuinely.

4. The Beloved Child Pattern

A beloved child has full rights in the household. They know from deep within that they are loved and accepted. They are secure, knowing others care for them and ‘have their back’. They don’t *need* to perform or work to gain acceptance or a sense of identity and purpose.

In beloved child spirituality:

• We have a sense of completeness and fullness — we have received, we know we are loved
• Our choices and actions come increasingly from a place of freedom. We love God, ourselves, and others from a place of inner peace and rest
• We have increasing freedom to be authentic and transparent about weaknesses and shortcomings. We are at peace with our imperfections, even as we continue to lean towards growth. Each “mistake” or “failure” is just one more lesson learned and step taken on a lifelong journey.
• Our sense of security and abundance releases us to give more freely — emotionally, materially and relationally.
• We can love others fully without clinging too tight. The ability to be fully present without being needy results in healthier relationships
• Our internal peace and balance are attractive to others who seek our support and advice. This creates more opportunities for us to help others on their own journeys, and we are better able to do so without unintentionally hurting them in the process.
• We continue to face pressure and temptation to slip back into the other patterns, but our muscles get stronger as we resist them.

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

Summing Up

These patterns are not linear! Spiritual growth is more of a circular process as we learn and re-learn at deepening. We never fully leave or eliminate a pattern, but we can choose to strengthen what is life-giving and weaken what is unhelpful.

Each of these patterns has dominated in different season of my life. I feel I’m living increasingly in the “Beloved Child pattern right now, although I recognise myself slipping, or being tempted to slip, back into one of the others. (Realistically, my wife and kids can probably evaluate my pattern better than me! 😂).

This framework has helped me reflect on my spiritual journey, and helped me coach others. I hope it is useful for you, too.

What about you?

What ideas spark for you as you read this? What resonates for you in this season of life?