2016–17 NBA PREVIEWS — The Celtics: Finally, A Boston Team (and its DREAMS) For People Who Hate Boston Teams
Look, I get it. Many people hate Boston sports teams — principally their fans, but it’s hard to separate one from the other even though, all things being equal, it shouldn’t be. The Patriots drive the people of a crass, blue-collar region into orgiastic frenzies of adulation over a blueblooded, goofy-haired, Trump-adoring rich fop from California and a grotesque-faced Trump-adoring sociopath with the mind of an astrophysicist and the ethics of Niccolo fucking Machiavelli. The Red Sox were cute AF as losers, adorable as idiot winners in 2004…and then they kept making the playoffs, and they won two more titles, and fans whose pain was lovable became more starkly obvious as boors whose gloating was vulgar. Also, the Bruins do stuff, I guess, and one time in the 70s their members went into the stands to beat the unholy piss out of their own fans. That seems unwise, as does hockey.
However: Unless you really had it in for one of four people — Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo or Antoine Walker, the latter of which seems unlikely — the Celtics have been hard to truly hate since the glory days of Bird/Parish/McHale. Like, were you gonna say, “Wow, look at Sebastian Telfair, that asshole?” Or, “Man, I just do not like the cut of Tyler Zeller’s jib.” They killed the fuckin Lakers, man! Everyone loves that (right?). They snatched the life right out of LeBron James’ Cavaliers on multiple occasions, pre-2010, and played the King’s Heatles harder than any other team played that squad in the first year they won an NBA championship. People used to love it when LeBron got victory snatched from his hands! (To an unhealthy degree, TBH, but at the same time, “GOOD JOB GOOD EFFORT” is never not gonna be funny, y’know?)
The past two years have seen the Boston Celtics take on the spiritual characteristics of the pastoral Irish stereotypes embodied by their mascot, the trampolining bro-dork Lucky. They still haven’t won a playoff series since 2012, but they also weren’t guaranteed to make the playoffs in 2014 or 2015 and did. They overwhelm and devise maniacal traps on defense and turn the opposition’s resultant pants-shitting fear into offensive opportunities in transition. They were GRITTY and TENACIOUS and EGOLESS and other adjectives that numerous sportswriters use with a certain masturbatory glee. All of which are decidedly Irish. (James Young’s love for pure grain alcohol may be considered Irish, but it’s just sad, and you blog-fuckers and Twitter fans keep laughing at him for being drunk all the time whenever he’s actually in Boston and not playing for the Red Claws up in Portland — have you bastards any decency?!)
Anyway, few if any of the things that make the other Boston sports franchises hateable are true of the Celtics. (Well, except for the fans, but the city’s meatballiest, douchiest, racist-iest fans tend not to pay attention to the Celtics, instead focusing on the sickening French/Scandinavian carnage of hockey ball, the gridiron concussion derby down Foxborough way and the Sox.) But it’s best to hear it from the team’s most notable members. LET’S GO:
ISAIAH THOMAS, POINT GUARD: Make another short joke. Seriously, he fuckin dares you. He dares me — don’t think he didn’t see that caption. Anyway. Isaiah Thomas has probably hit his ceiling, but for reasons we’ll get to in a minute, that’s not as huge a deal as it might be in a vacuum. What he can do is quite remarkable. He’s as adept with running “Brother” Brad Stevens’s motion offense and facilitating drive-and-kick opportunities or thousand-cut paths through defenders for his own layups as he is wrecking enemy trainers in Pokemon battles. His passing is adroit and confuses the shit out of the guys sent to cover him. (Occasionally it confuses his teammates and the ball goes out of bounds or is otherwise turned over, and I.T. will briefly have a look on his face that Beethoven must’ve given to the pedestrian musicians who couldn’t follow certain parts of his symphonies, but it’ll quickly dissipate because he has a natural geniality to him that eludes, say, the Chris Pauls of the world, who are better point guards but can’t understand why their kids hate them.)
Defensively, I.T. will never be the fulcrum of Brother Brad’s schemes (to say the least) but it doesn’t matter due to his backcourt partner…
AVERY BRADLEY, SHOOTING GUARD: A.B. can now scream the phrase “FIRST TEAM ALL-DEFENSE” a la Tony Allen, but he won’t. I sometimes wish he would, but it’s not in his nature. He is more Joe Dumars quiet assassin than fuckword-slinging Gary Payton trashtalker type. That said, I’ve seen him stare down dudes he’s stolen the ball from after exploiting said steal for a transition basket, and I could swear I heard “Hit Em Up” by 2Pac playing in the space behind his eyes.
I was watching the 2015 NBA Draft at a bar when a fellow drunk informed me that he had been property manager at an apartment complex Avery Bradley lived in. He said A.B. was extremely private and had vague but nagging concerns about security. That makes sense, even if I don’t know if this soused Bostonian was telling the truth. Does Avery Bradley own an ADT security system? CCTV cameras? Is he like Michael Emerson in Person of Interest but solely for his own residence? Or is he some kind of CIA asset in his downtime?
Maybe the guy was just really drunk.
JAE CROWDER, SMALL FORWARD: Fans of Boston sports teams tend to overrate players, as seen in any conversation about Brock Holt that has ever taken place, ever. But seriously: Jae Crowder is better than your favorite player. Jae Crowder has slept with your favorite player’s wife, and all of your girlfriends. Jae Crowder is the best running back the Patriots have never signed. Jae Crowder would’ve gotten all those shutdown innings that David Price couldn’t, if only Red Sox manager John Farrell would’ve given him a call. He is a black belt in every martial art that exists. Jae Crowder has amazing hair, better than your hair.
OK, but for-real serious: Until Danny Ainge made the biggest free-agent signing of his GM career, Jae Crowder was without a doubt the Celtics’ best two-way player. It doesn’t show in his basic slash line, but is more than evident in his per-36 and per-100-possessions stats — not to mention, like, when watching him guard somebody. Until that free-agent signing (I promise I’ll discuss him but we’re saving dessert for last, nutrition is important you idiots), Crowder was the only Celtic who could even attempt to guard LeBron James. While it’s understandably lost in a 2015 series where the Celtics got swept and Umphrey’s McGee fan club president Kelly Olynyk broke Kevin Love’s arm (an action I don’t defend but do write off as Olynyk playing stupid/irresponsible rather than dirty), Crowder successfully did just that in stretches. If Boston moves up to a 3- or 2-seed as some are predicting and poses a true threat to Toronto and Cleveland in the playoffs, Crowder’s versatility will have much to do with it.
AMIR JOHNSON, POWER FORWARD/CENTER: Just over a year ago, Amir Johnson constituted a significant free agent acquisition for the Celtics. This is not a slight to Amir, who is a pretty good albeit well-traveled defensive stopper. That was just the biggest splash the Cs fanbase could expect.
While not as lustrous as Crowder’s, Amir too has cool hair, and also is wont to unleash a beaming smile in various social media dispatches issued by the Celtics. Amir Johnson would make sure your wallet was returned if he found it discarded on the street. Amir Johnson listens to Kind of Blue to chill out at night after intense games, but also has strong opinions about Bruce Springsteen (he sez Wrecking Ball is underrated) and the latest Danny Brown album (Old is just a tad better than Atrocity Exhibition, as far as he’s concerned). Amir Johnson still posts a double-double per 36 minutes, which is more than fine for a dude not often praised as an offensive force, and can alternate between frontcourt positions to accommodate THIS GUY:
AL HORFORD, CENTER: The expectations for the smooth-passing, lockdown-defending, floor-spacing, efficient-shooting big man from the Dominican Republic are both somewhat higher than they should be and less high than some in the media seem to believe. Because this is Boston, I would assume most national writers believe the insane fans expect the Celtics to reach the Finals as currently constituted, when many of us would be fine with escaping the first round and not rolling over in the second. (That said, the Eastern Conference Finals or the Finals would be pretty awesome. Just something to think about, Al.)
Horford suits the Celtics precisely because he needs complimentary players around him to maximize his effectiveness, not as the background noise to his own overwhelming dominance. He’s a humble, unassuming guy. Horford is the Western gunslinger with loaded .45s who nonetheless knows he needs deputies to slay the demons — on the Ohio plains, in the wild Canadian tundra, within the far arid deserts where the purple-and-gold Californian incompetents lay in wait for Phil fucking Jackson to quit the Knicks, and along the great Bay that houses the Golden war machine, with its multiple MVPs and 73 wins, pondering the meaning of the constellations that form a glittering, terrifying 3–1 shape —
Moving right along: Al Horford would also return your wallet if he found it discarded on the street. Typical Shocker protocol would dictate that I find something absurd to write about #42 (formerly #15), but he seems like one of the most genuine, no-bullshit people in the NBA. Joke-wise, best I got is that him and Tim Duncan probably have made somewhat similar fashion choices at times (with Horford definitely being the less dad-wear-ish of the two as of now). What else is there? Much as I love this league’s J.R. Smiths and Boogies, as far as Horford being free of drama and constant surprises, I’m the leader of the Senate committee on “not having a problem with that.”
Some final notes:
- KELLY OLYNYK (C) is probably gone after this season. Much as I appreciated him almost making the 3-point contest, I won’t much miss a center who couldn’t defend the rim. (Yes, I am aware that this is a sometime knock against Al Horford, and believe that him plus Amir makes up for this individual deficiency, and yes I do have a pistol aimed at your head, so stop speaking. The Shocker editors don’t call me a murderer for shits and giggles.) Kelly O will appreciate Denver more anyway — Red Rocks is right there and always attracts jam bands.
- GERALD GREEN (SF) is…flawed, but make space for him in the corner and he can be alright. Only three years ago he shot 40 percent from 3, and Brother Brad will create far better spacing than an offense masterminded by Erik Spoelstra and run by ballhog/noted abstract novelist Goran Dragic. Also, Gerald Green is absolutely batshit crazy. He will straight up shank Iman Shumpert in garbage time, drop a shiv and shout “NOBODY SEEN SHIT!” I’m terrified and can’t wait.
- MARCUS SMART (PG/SG) has weirder hair than ever, but his defense is so superlative that if he develops a consistent shot, teams are fucked. I have thought that exact thought approximately 8,230,420 times. I’ll never forget that he punched Matt Bonner, of all people, in the nuts once.
- Because JONAS JEREBKO (F) and R.J. HUNTER (SG) are both on the roster, the Boston Celtics lead the league in the notable PWLLMRC metric (Players Who Look Like Mr. Robot Characters).
- TYLER ZELLER (C) is easily the superior Zeller. This is not saying much. He also looks like a taller version of a dude who used to be my neighbor and was kinda fun but also did cocaine a lot.
- I appreciate that JAYLEN BROWN (SF) wants to resurrect the high-top fade. His easily bests Norris Cole’s and is less immediately striking but more sharp-looking than Iman Shumpert’s. He is also going to singlehandedly jack the Celtics’ free-throw attempts per game way the hell up, which is good. Brown will be the Cs James Harden in that respect, but more likable, because I don’t predict him going out and cuddling with the worst Kardashian (Power Rankings forthcoming…) like a certain mercurial shooting guard from Houston, and he also won’t shoot well, which James Harden can do. Oh well.
- That’s a good point to end on — in the words of Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network, “likability.” These Celtics are likable, my god, they’re LIKABLE. It’s a quality that eludes many Boston teams. For every Mookie Betts and David Ortiz there’s a Josh Beckett or Oil Can Boyd, and for every Tom Brady and Randy Moss, there’s…well, a very deserving scumbag currently confined to a Lancaster, Massachusetts supermax prison. Marcus Smart will probably balltap you every once in a while, but that’s as bad as it gets. If you’re not from Boston and are leery of those in its crowd, you can enjoy this fast-paced, turnover-forcing team without worrying you’re supporting monsters. Ignore the worst Boston fans. They’re too concerned with trying to get John Farrell fired or putting pipe bombs under Ted Wells’ car while muttering that LeGarrette Blount is massively underrated (he’s mediocre) to pay much attention to the rising Celtics.
- I’m not going to pretend objectivity here. Also, your mothers wear army boots.
2015–16 season record: 48–34, 2nd in Atlantic Division
Vegas championship odds: 25/1 per Vegas Insider — only the Golden State Warriors, Cleveland Cavaliers and San Antonio Spurs have better chances
2016–17 win projection, courtesy of The Shocker’s BLUDOG-420 projection machine: 54–28. Celtics roster improvements plus important East teams (Heat, Hawks, maybe Raptors) getting worse minus mistakes made by former Celtics Evan Turner and Jared Sullinger last year plus secret occult rituals performed by Wyc Grousebeck multiplied by the likelihood of a deadline trade if someone interesting is available = anywhere between 6 and 9 wins. I’ll go a tad conservative and say it adds 6 but 57 wins wouldn’t be at all out of the question. Who’s to say it couldn’t be 9?
