9 More Beer Myths You Should Stop Believing
In this forbidding climate, Thrillist’s essential piece of investigative muckraking, 9 Beer Myths You Should Stop Believing, is a selfless gesture of public service. It is charity for those who don’t even know enough to know they are needy.
The article debunks many of the pernicious lies promulgated and perpetuated by those credulous saps — and here, take a moment for soulful reflection, because you might be one of them — who believe, for instance, that “Lagers are light and flavorless.” Have you ever even had a lager? I guarantee you, if you have had a lager, you tasted it. Especially if it was expensive!
But that’s not even the most egregious example of the kind of corruptive, corrosive propaganda we’re dealing with. There’s a conspiracy of beer disinformation in this morally diseased country that, in the scope, breadth, and audacity of its evilness, rivals COINTELPRO.
Take these two totally distinct falsehoods that people just grin and accept in the grim spirit of some necrotic perversion of faith:
THRILLIST FACT: SOMETIMES IT DOESN’T. #notalldarkbeer
THRILLIST FACT: SOMETIMES IT ISN’T. #notalldarkbeer
YOU = POSTERIZED.
And that’s not even to mention the most maleficent myth of all — a filthy, folkloric superstition that’s the modern equivalent of thinking extra nipples only grow on witches (extra nipples can grow on anyone at any time!), or that microbes don’t exist (they do!) — a myth so much the opposite of salubrious that I don’t even own a thesaurus.
You don’t like beer? You don’t like beer?
That’s a myth.
HERE’S ANOTHER THRILLIST FACT: YOU FUCKING LOVE BEER.
Now, the thing is— Thrillist isn’t some fly-by-night operation that just lets any fool publish an article about whatever nonsense, just because they work cheap. Thrillist holds its research scholars to the highest and most rigorous standards of academic excellence. There’s nothing opinion-y about these facts; they are facts for a reason, and that reason is that they’re the opposite of myths.
So, anyway. The particular expert recruited in the debunk-erous business of proving you are wrong about what you think you like is something called the “beer director” at a place Thrillist describes as “a dimly lit upscale pub-staurant,” which holy shit that sounds terrible. And this expert explains that you actually love beer, even if you don’t think that’s true.
“When someone says they ‘don’t like beer,’ nine times out of 10, they just haven’t found their favorite style yet.” So, presumably, this expert has a wealth of experience in force-feeding a whole panoply of beer varieties to at least ten people until at least nine of them decided they loved it enough to beg the expert to stop. Really, the only question left is, why didn’t the so-called expert keep forcing the tenth person to keep drinking beer until the truth set in?
Obviously, this lil’ Thrillisticle inspired me, so I decided to honor it by making a tossed-off sequel. I put on my deerstalker cap, dug out my magnifying glass and intravenous cocaine-injecting paraphernalia, and hunted down a few experts of my own. I went to all the best people. The best people, they all love me. They weighed in on the few beer legends still infesting our hearts and minds after Thrillist’s devastating intellectual fumigation. They told it to me like it is, in order to help you cut through some of the alarming nonsense you believe about beer, because your parents didn’t love you enough to teach you (or they loved you too much to tell you the truth). Enjoy!
Myth: You should drink eight glasses of beer each day
“Eight eight-ounce glasses of beer per day only adds up to 64 ounces of beer. That’s not even two forties. You can’t tell me you haven’t ever drank two forties at a party and been like, ‘Guys, I’m not even drunk. We should have bought more forties!’” -Guy Fieri, celebrity chef
Myth: Low-cholesterol beer is better for you
“It depends on the kind of cholesterol. ‘Bad’ cholesterol, or low-density lipoprotein (LDL) cholesterol, contributes to atherosclerosis, a condition in which deposits of plaque clog the arteries, impeding blood flow and greatly increasing the risk of heart attack or stroke. Counterintuitively, ‘good’ cholesterol, or high-density lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol, can actually help reduce LDL levels in the body. Even the experts aren’t clear on the mechanics of this process, but a good rule of thumb is: high HDL, low LDL. Also, there is no cholesterol in beer.” -Vivek Murthy, Surgeon General of the United States, as far as you know
Myth: After Biff Tannen crashed George McFly’s car, George gave him a full-bodied milk stout from a sustainably sourced local microbrewery
“I have your car towed all the way to your house and all you got for me is light beer?” -Biff Tannen, fictional character
Myth: Beer acted alone in the assassination of JFK
“The fatal shooting of John F. Kennedy was only the endgame of a vast conspiracy that included the FBI, the CIA, the organized crime cabal known colloquially as ‘the mafia,’ Ted Cruz’s father, and a patsy — a paper tiger, really — named Lee Harvey Oswald, who acted alone about as much as I love my son, Burt Jenner. Who is Burt Jenner, you ask? Exactly.” -Caitlyn Jenner, former Olympian and reality TV star
Myth: Sexually pillaged {the Greeks weren’t in possession of such depressing euphemisms} by Zeus, who had taken the form of a swan, Beer became impregnated with Castor and Clytemnestra
“Actually, Tyndareus, the King of Sparta, was the father of Castor and Clytemnestra. Helen and Polydeuces were Zeus’s children.” -Tom Hiddleston, double first in Classics from Cambridge University
Myth: Microwaving “kills” the nutrients in beer
“Not only can you microwave beer — you must. The only thing that will happen is that the beer will get hotter, and, as it gets hotter, more delicious. There’s literally nothing more delicious than beer that’s been warmed in the microwave for, say, three, or maybe four, five minutes. Or longer! The longer the better, really. Just set your microwave for as long as it can go for, and you can pretty much walk away until it’s done. Leave the house, run your errands, pick up the kids, go back to the office and do the work you disdain to support the freeloading people you hate. At this point, you’re stuck with them. When you get back to the home you secretly wish you could burn to the ground, you’ll have a lovely cauldron of bubbly, gooey beer just waiting for you. Drink it fast, before it has even a split second to cool, or you’ll miss out on some of the cancer-black char flavor that gives boiling-hot beer its distinctive tang and mouth-feel!” -My mom, loving mother and wife
Myth: You should keep track of how many beers you drink per day
“Just weigh yourself the next morning. You look like you’ve gained weight lately, so you should be doing that anyway.” -Gloria Steinem, feminist activist
Myth: Jesus turned water into wine
“On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the beer was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, ‘They have no more beer.’
“’Woman, why do you involve me?’ Jesus replied. ‘My hour has not yet come.’
“His mother said to the servants, ‘Do whatever he tells you.’
“Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.
“Jesus said to the servants, ‘Fill the jars with water’; so they filled them to the brim.
“Then he told them, ‘Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.’
“They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into beer. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside and said, ‘Everyone brings out the choice beer first and then the cheaper beer after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.’
“What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.” -Andrea Dworkin, feminist activist
Myth: Beer doesn’t get you drunk
“Oh yeah? Then why am I fucking wasted?” -Gie Fuyri, Associate Professor, Harvard Law School
