A List of Deaths

(that would’ve been more satisfying for Roger Ailes to endure)

ew

As reported in the New York Times and multiple outlets, Roger E. Ailes, ousted leader of a political entertainment TV network that only had the brazen honesty to refer to itself as such in recent years, is dead. He was 77, and also a truly fat fuck, unapologetic sexual predator, self-proclaimed kingmaker to venal political men who — like Ailes himself — would happily see the U.S. immersed in true right-wing fascism as long as they didn’t have to suffer its moral restrictions, and overall just, like, a real piece of shit, indubitably engaged in unholy congress with various denizens of R’lyeh, the great green city in which Cthulhu waits, dead dreaming and insane.

Ailes’s cause of death remains unreported as of now. In light of this, The Shocker wishes to detail various potential, arguably even ideal Ailes-deaths that we’re sure the majority of you will find extremely satisfying. To wit:

1. Submerged in a vat of acid while still alive
2. Consumed whole by a swath of army ants
3. Died on operating table during octuple bypass surgery
4. Died on operating table during routine xenotransplantation intended to renew the octopi DNA in his bloodstream and strengthen his hell-tentacles
5. Got his dick caught in the door of a car that subsequently drove off, tearing his body asunder and causing him to bleed to death
6. Harassed to death by fellow Fox News sexual predator Bill O’Reilly
7. Impaled by the tribal weapon of a Predator
8. Slipped and fell, smashing his jaw open, after which his LifeAlert was crushed by the massive heft of his gut and no one came to help, causing him to bleed to death
9. Throat slashed by Charlotte Corday whilst he bathed (we don’t know how she got there either; shut the fuck up)
10. Throat slashed by Learjet executive Peter Campbell; by way of explanation he only said, “The king ordered it,” and did not specify which king
11. Listened to DAMN. by Kendrick Lamar and the harsh truths caused a series of fatal aneurysms in his brain
12. Tommy Seabass, estranged and presumed-dead benefactor of The Shocker, poisoned his weekly catfish gumbo
13. Autoerotic asphyxia as he hung from a noose made of steel-reinforced Kielbasa sausage
14. Some of his errant smegma mutated to develop the characteristics of necrotizing fasciitis, after which he melted into a puddle of blood and cornmeal
15. Committed suicide in pact with former Vice President Dick Cheney (who, as yet, has not followed through on his part of the deal)
16. Watched highlights of old Adolph Rupp-coached Kentucky teams on YouTube, died from simultaneous feelings: excitement that something like it once existed and sadness that it no longer does
17. Had a fatal apoplectic fit after being hounded by the ghost of James Baldwin and Baldwin’s lover
18. Carried across a tightrope at a local circus by a fox, fell to his death due to being fairly unbalanced
19. Tried to imitate Red Panda’s routine and died in a unicyle- and bowl-related accident
20. Bloodily shat himself to death on President Taft-sized toilet after sharing KFC with President Trump on Air Force One
21. Slain by Megyn Kelly-hired assassins, so as not to mess with her new gig as a “moderate” conservative
22. Ears literally talked off by a droning monologue spoken by the ghost of William F. Buckley, Jr.
23. Tripped in back yard of Russian Embassy to the U.S. and was strangled by a Russian plant
24. Accidentally shot by Sean Hannity (who was drunk off of just two Miller Lites)
25. Died of wokeness after reading The Shocker

[Shocker correspondents Emily Lever, Micah Wimmer, Adithya Pugazhendhi and Bradley Geiser, as well as editor-in-chief John Wilmes, contributed to this report.]