A Report on the State of Infrastructure in Mushroom Kingdom
When government spending goes wrong
Last month your representatives, who appear to be sentient mushrooms in vests, contracted our civil engineering firm Shocker & Sons to survey the state of the infrastructure in the Mushroom Kingdom. We dispatched our analysts to every corner of your territory, from the deepest sewer to the highest cloud, and we regret to tell you that the news is not good. Please find below the findings of the report, and our invoice.
Considering how much gold your plumbers are collecting, your pipes are in terrible shape. Wherever we looked, we found open drains sticking out of the ground at odd angles, with unnecessarily wide diameters — given how little rain falls in the Mushroom Kingdom, you could actually do with less drainage. This explains areas like Dry Dry Desert, which according to the fossil record used to be a lush grassland before the sewer system was installed. Worst of all, none of your pipes actually connect to each other. They’re all open at both ends, emptying out into seemingly random locations. Though this system could conceivably be used as a mode of transportation, it is by no means an effective means of waste management.
Your roadways are overrun with evil mushrooms and turtles, which frequently harassed our employees as they conducted their work. Their medical expenses are included in our invoice below. Regarding the roads themselves — which qualify as such only because you bothered to pave them — they are littered with potholes, which are so deep as to be unfathomable, and so numerous that they disrupt the continuity of your roads, and thus the very concept of road-ness. Only with superhuman running and jumping ability would any person hope to navigate from point A to point B in your kingdom. This is both a matter of public safety and a huge blight on your economy.
3) Giant Flagpoles
Why are these here? The same can be asked about the huge number of levitating blocks that seem to have no structural function. Why are they full of gold? Surely this only compounds the expense of manufacturing and installing these useless structures. Our recommendation is that they be used to patch the yawning chasms in your roads and restore a functioning transit system.
Most of the buildings in the Mushroom Kingdom are either mansions or castles. The former are infested with malevolent ghosts, who took great efforts to bedevil our employees. The latter are terribly constructed deathtraps, filled with lava pits and angry spiked blocks that fall from the ceiling when provoked. Worse yet, the castles crumble if you cut a single rope bridge. It seems that the only sturdy building in the entire kingdom is the gilded palace in which you, the Princess, make your home — and yet it always fails to protect you from the oft-unsophisticated attacks of your enemies. You should invest in affordable public housing so that your discontented subjects are not so easily agitated by Bowser or his cronies.
We hope you will take these findings under advisement. Despite great natural wealth, your citizens are suffering. By making an investment in public works, you would not only create jobs but also improve the well-being of your entire kingdom.